


Breaking the Cycle

by playitagain



Category: Sex Education (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bullying, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Enemies to Lovers, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Internalized Homophobia, Letters, Love Letters, M/M, Physical Abuse, Self-Hatred, Slow Burn, Threats of Violence, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-02
Updated: 2019-07-27
Packaged: 2019-11-08 06:12:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 50,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17975969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/playitagain/pseuds/playitagain
Summary: Adam became the bully because that was all he could do to be close to Eric without revealing any feelings he may have for the other. The problem is that it starts to remind him too much of his own father and he vows when he is sent to military school that he will break that cycle.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> I watched Sex Education last weekend, read everything AdamxEric this last week and somehow ended up here. I wrote this chapter is one day and I hope I can keep up this momentum. I feel like there is so much to flesh out with this pairing and I would like to do that justice.

When Adam was five he made his first friend. He used to skip rocks by the river. Adam had been shy at first, eyes wide as he watches the rocks skip across the water one, two, three, four times. He was so impressed by this boy that his fingers were shaking when he walked up to the other with a small nervous smile. “Will you show me how to do that?” he asks. The boy seems caught off guard and Adam is about to apologize. He hadn’t met to disturb the other and intrude. He should know better by now. The ache on his side says that he should. 

The boy beat him to the next words though, a bright smile on his lips. Adam’s eyes widen at how bright his smile is, pulling back his lips and teeth shining. There is a small hole that should be his front tooth and Adam wonders when he lost it. “Sure thing!” the boy exclaims. Adam takes a step back when he reaches a hand out. It’s sudden and close and he shrinks in on himself. 

The boy is holding a small rock in his hand. It’s a weird shape, jutting out on the side and forming more of a wonky triangle. Adam tilts his head, eyes glancing up from the rock to look at the boys face. It’s round and friendly. He has a little bruise on his cheek that is starting to turn yellow and Adam wonders if his father caused it too. The boy’s eyes are bright green and welcoming and Adam hasn’t seen a look like that in ages. He seems so open and Adam finds himself reaching his hand forward to take the rock. 

The boys fingers are long and skinny and Adam brushes his fingers against his soft skin, a small smile pulling up the corner of his lips. The boy doesn’t pull his hand away when Adam lingers a second too long. It is just hard to pull away when the boy is so warm and welcoming and Adam is instantly drawn in. He doesn’t want to stop touching this boy’s hand. He knows he has to pull his hand away thought and does it reluctantly. 

It drops to his side, rock pressed against his palm, the funny angle digging into his skin. It’s warm from the other boys hand and Adam cherishes this for a moment. 

The boy is searching for another rock, like he is looking for just the right one. “It’s all in the kind of rock that ya have.” Apparently he is looking for just the right kind of rock. “See how that one is all smooth. That what ya want. It skips betta’ that way.” The boy doesn’t take his eyes off the ground as he starts to wander away from Adam to look for the perfect skipping rock. Adam doesn’t know if he should follow the boy as he is moving further and further away from him. A frown tugs down Adam’s lips as he watches the boy hurry around. He picks up few rocks on his journey (because it seems like such to Adam) but ends up tossing them carelessly to the side. 

“Ah ha!” The noise startles Adam, who had gone about digging the toe of his right shoe into the rocks. He snaps his eyes up at the sudden exclamation, curiosity gracing his features. The boy is looking at him now, holding the rock out like he found treasure. “This is the perfect rock.” He holds the edge between his thumb and forefinger so Adam can see. 

Adam squints his eyes, taking a step forward to get a better look. The boy seems to notice that he is struggling and takes a few steps forward himself, not minding Adam’s personal space as he holds the rock up right in Adam’s face. The rock is flat just like the one the boy graced him, but it has a pointy edge that is digging into the boys thumb. 

“Flat,” Adam mumbles, picking up his own to compare. 

“Yeah! They have to be flat so they can skips better,” the boy explains. “It helps them glide over the water.” Adam nods at the boy, understanding where he is coming from. “Now let's go try to skip one.” 

Adam follows the boy tentatively to the water, frown tugging down. He hadn’t realized they needed to get so close to the edge. He wasn’t exactly keen on water and he didn’t really know how to swim. If his father caught him this close, it would lead to a bruise that was similar to the one on the boys cheek. 

He had to shake those thoughts off as he stepped next to the boy, watching the other as he turns a bit, smile pulling up his lips. “See, this is how you do it. Ya gotta just twist a bit and throw the rock just like that.” He demonstrates the motion for Adam without throwing the rock and indicates for Adam to try it. Adam does just that but it doesn’t really work. He ends up twisting too far and the rock slips from his fingers and onto the ground not far on the boy’s other side. The boy is kind enough to pick up the rock, a smile on his lips as he hands it back to Adam. “Try again.”

This time Adam does just that, but the boy places his hand on top of Adams. It isn’t threatening or harsh like it usually is. The touch is soft and guiding and Adam almost doesn’t know how to react. His father doesn’t touch him like this. He is sharp and crisp and it always stings when he lets go. His mother is always so tentative, scared, like she is going to hurt him if she even lays a finger on him, which is probably why she doesn’t do it much. His sister is normally out doing school work or activities and probably doesn’t even notice Adam. 

“Like this.” This motion is slow and soft and the boy helps Adam swing his arm just right. “This is where you want to release it.” Adam nods, a blush pulling up his cheeks when the boy slips into his space as they turn. The rock is successful this time thought and it skips three times over the water before it splashes and disappears. “Nice! We did it!” The boy steps away this time, holding a hand up for Adam to high five. 

“Yeah,” Adam mumbles, slapping the other’s hand as lightly as possible. It’s the first thing Adam has said since he asked to join and the boy seems to notice, a smile pulling up his lips.

“Come on then, let’s skip some more.”

Adam nods as he picks up another rock, examining it to make sure it is the perfect one. 

That had been the one and only time Adam had see his first friend. The boy had never showed up at the river again. It had come to a point that Adam would sneak away from his parents just to get a glimpse down to that river. It would end with his father fuming and an ache in his heart. Adam didn’t like how much it hurt not seeing the boy again. Maybe he left because Adam’s father made him? Maybe he didn’t like Adam? It didn’t matter though because he wasn’t getting any answers this time around. 

\--------------------------------------

Adam makes a new friend when he is seven. The boy is new to school and ends up sitting in the back of the classroom. It’s hard to make friends in the middle of the year and Adam notices after the first month of school the new boy sits alone as lunch still, eyes downcast and he picks at his sandwich with a sad expression.

Adam has always eaten alone at lunch. He doesn’t really know why he walks over to the boy, shy smile pulling up his lips as he glances at the chair, asking the new boy if he can sit down. It doesn’t really get the new boy’s attention. He seems like his mind is somewhere else as he rolls a small piece of bread between his fingers. 

“Can-can I sit?” he finally asks, drawing the boy’s attention up. He has sad eyes. They remind Adam of his own when he looks in the mirror while he brushes his teeth in the morning. The new boys seems a little shocked as he looks up, frown tugging down his lips. 

“Sure,” he says, a little tentative as he goes back to picking at his sandwich. He doesn’t talk to Adam the rest of the lunch, but Adam doesn’t mind. It is nice to just sit with someone at lunch, not be alone. He would take what he could get.

They sit together the next day and Adam notices the new boy eyeing his sandwich. “Do you want to trade?” he offers, holding out his sandwich. He doesn’t really like what his mother packs him anyway and new boys sandwich looks so much better. 

The new boy nods his head, passing his own sandwich off to Adam before he grabs the one resting on the table for him. They eat in relative silence as they both finish their sandwiches off. The new boy seems satisfied with his food and ends up licking some crumbs off his fingers. 

The bell rings only a few minutes later and Adam goes to stand. “I’m Patrick,” the new boys says. He has a bit of an accent and Adam likes how it sounds. 

“Adam.” 

They eat lunch together for the next two months before Partick asks if Adam can come over. He is tentative at first because he doesn’t know how his father will react. He ends up asking his mother though and she gives him a soft smile and tells him to go have fun. 

He ends up spending most afternoons at Patrick’s house for the next four years. It is a great escape from his father. It feels like a safe space when he is over Patrick’s house. It’s warm and welcoming and Adam ends up going there sometimes after his father has chewed him out for getting a B in his class. He yells and yells and when the shove comes Adam always stumbles back. He shows up with a new bruise, but Patrick doesn’t know that so it is all good. 

It’s hard when Patrick moves back home. Adam doesn’t really understand. Why would Patrick leave him? It doesn’t matter how many times Patrick tells him that it is because his father got a new job. It doesn’t make it hurt any less. Adam is losing his safe space, a home that was actually warm and welcoming. 

He doesn’t talk to Patrick for a week and there is a deep ache in his heart. He misses the other boy’s laugh and his warm smile. Adam misses the way their hands brushed when they played video games. He doesn’t know why he misses this things in particular but it hurts just thinking about it. 

Patrick ends up on his doorstep at the end of the week, a frown tugging down his lips. Adam doesn’t like how it looks and he knows he hasn’t seen such a sad expression on the other since they first met. The look doesn’t belong on his face and Adam can’t help but feel guilty. 

“I’m sorry,” he says and reaches out to give Patrick a hug. It is warm and welcoming and makes the ache in his bones decrease a little. He notices his father hovering before he places a hand on Adam’s shoulder. It is rough and causes an ache in Adam’s shoulder. Adam vaguely remembers his father saying that men doesn’t hug at one point, but Adam had never understood. 

Patrick pulls away and their is a pink dusting his cheeks. Adam wonders if he hadn’t been feeling good when he come over this morning. He smiles shyly and Adam’s heart flutters a little. It’s not a new feeling. It happens a lot when Patrick smiles at him. 

“I didn’t want to leave without saying goodbye,” Patrick explains. He looks like he wants to reach out again, but the fingers on Adam’s shoulder tighten and he hunches over a bit, a frown tugging down his lips. It hurts, but he has to push through it so he doesn’t mess this up.

“I’ll miss you.” The hand tightens. “Will you write?” He grinds his teeth together as the pain starts to get unbearable. 

“Of course!”

The rest of the conversation goes just the same as they express agains how much they will miss each other. Patrick makes one more promise before he gives Adam another hug, lingering a little long before he turns around and heads out. Adam can’t help the stray tear that slips down his cheek. 

He ends up in the hospital that night. His father says the he fell off his bike, but in realizing his father had been livid. Adam remembers his yelling about how “No son of mine will ever like another man.” The words ring in Adam’s ears and his arm aches at every movement. The broken bone doesn’t stop his father from expressing his dislikes further. Adam ends up missing two months of school. 

\----------------------------------------

His sister dies two months later when she gets hit by a drunk driver. Adam has just returned to school with a bruise dusting o his jaw and his cast only two weeks from being removed. She had been on her way home from uni when it had happened. She had just gotten off at the bus stop and the driver had crashed into the bus stop. 

His father takes everything out on him, but he knows it can’t be his fault. This is the start of his father yelling at him about being more like his perfect sister. She had been smart, athletic, participated in school. She was everything that Adam wasn’t. He tried his hardest to get B’s before he stopped. It didn’t matter how hard he tried. He would still ended up with bruises literally his body. He stopped trying soon after his sister died because he had finally gotten his first A, one that he had been so proud of. His father had simply yelled about him being a failure and gave him a shove toward his room. 

Adam didn’t understand what he did wrong. It didn’t matter though because Adam was done trying because it didn't matter how much he tried. It still ended with his father hating his guts. 

\-----------------------------------

Adam shuts people out after that. He doesn’t dare make any male friends at the threat of his father. He may get the wrong idea and Adam doesn’t need that in his life.

The first day he sees this bright boy though he wants to reach out and touch him. He wants to watch those bright eyes shine everyday, looking at him, seeing him. That warm smile would make him feel so bright and warm inside.

But he knows the bright boy will end with him in the hospital again. He’s honestly worried to even think these thoughts with his father’s threats looming over his shoulder. He swallows down the thoughts, but his hand twitches and he wants to be close to that bright boy walking around the hallways. 

It’s a choice he makes because he wants to get close to the bright boy. He wants to feel his warmth and life and that’s how he finds his fist balled into the front of the bright boy’s shirt, body pressing against the bright boy’s as he leers down at him. The bright boy is a whole head shorter than he is and Adam has to look down at him, eyes narrowed and lips pulled down. He doesn’t really know what to say so he says the first thing that comes to mind. 

“Money and lunch,” he grumbles, holding his hand out. 

“W-What?” the bright boy mumbles, eyes wide. He looks scared and small and Adam doesn’t like the look on him, but he keeps going, giving the other another shove into the locker. He’s already started so he might as well keep it up.

“Did I stutter?” He sneers and he gets a flashback of his own father saying this to him when he had been told to go up to his room when he was five. It had been the first day his father had hit him and it almost makes him sick that he is pulling the same shit. 

Then he presses further and he can practically feel the warmth radiating off the other. It’s the only way he will ever get close to the bright boy, because he isn’t allowed to have friends. He doesn’t allow himself to have friends. After the heartache of Patrick leaving and the lack of promised letters, he will never allow himself to be friends with another again. 

“O-Ok,” the bright boy stutters and reaches into his pocket. The bright boy’s hand shakes when he hands the money over to Adam. Adam snatches the money and stuffs it into his pocket. He plans on buying a pack of cigarettes later. 

“Don’t forget the lunch.” The bright boy nods and pulls the backpack off his shoulder. Adam give him another shove as he reaches into his bag and hands over the sandwich. Adam has to pause a moment. It’s the same one he used to trade Patrick for when they were younger. Adam loved those sandwiches so much. He has to shake himself out of his thoughts as he lets the bright boy go. 

He can feel eyes on him as he walks down the hall but the most prominent are the bright boys eyes. Adam shouldn’t like it as much as he does, especially because they are focused on him for reasons he doesn’t like. 

He finds out the bright boys name is Eric a few days later and after the first week of the new school year he is labeled as the school bully. This is the same year his father totally changes the game. 

He gets home after the first week and expects to be hit. The first assignment has lead to a D and he knows that means he’ll get hit. It’s a surprise when his father does not raise his hand but instead raises his voice. The words cut more than any bruise or broken bone or scare. It aches him to the bone as his father berates him.

“You are such a failure. You aren’t anything like your sister. You’ll never be like your sister. You fail at everything,” and those are the nicer things that he says. Adam stands and takes it, shoulders hunched and eyes on the ground. It surprised him when his father grabs his chin, forcing eye contact. “You’ll never amount to anything.” Those words cut him deep, but Adam stays strong as his father turns around. He heads upstairs two at a time and crashes into his bed. 

Eric is the only bright part of his day. It is sad and pathetic and he hates himself for it. Eric is always watching him though, eyes following him, waiting for him to pounce. Adam likes that he is on his toes. He likes the attention this has given him. He likes that Eric is always hyper aware of his presence even if it isn’t in a good way. It is the most attention he has ever gotten in his life. 

It’s the end of his school year and that is when Adam runs into Aimee. She is pretty and popular and her hair falls over her shoulders. Adam doesn’t have much of an initial reaction because he’s never found girls attractive. It isn’t that he hates them or anything, he just isn’t drawn to them. 

But she is smiling at him as she tucks a peiece of hair behind her ear, a little nervous and a little excited. “Will you go out with me?” the words catch him off guard and he sucks in a breath. The first thing that goes through his head is that maybe this will get his father off his back. He won’t be worried about Adam and boys (especially after the porn incident last year). This could really change the game. Plus, maybe he’ll like her once he gets to know her. 

They date for the summer and Adam does notice that his father isn’t up his ass as much. The sex isn’t great. Adam doesn’t really feel into it and it shows when he fakes his organism at the beginning of their first year. Aimee frowns and Adam doesn’t know what to say. He finds himself searching for a way to keep her. He likes that his father is off his back and she is nice and kind and even though Adam isn’t sexually attracted to her, he likes her company. 

This is how he finds himself pulling his pants down in front of everyone, giving a crazy long speech. Eric’s eyes are on him, watching him, jaw slack as he tries not to look down. Adam smirks. It doesn’t last long though because his father calls him into his office and he knows he is in trouble. The words cut through him and ache. Adam had almost forgotten how bad they felt. He should never have let his guard down like this.

Aimee is quick to break up with him after to as well. She says he is too much trouble, too wild. Adam is hurt and in pain, but he doesn’t really miss her. He compensates by trying to get back together with her because she was at least something. She was company and kind and got his father off his back for a while. Now he is alone and his father yells and stares. Those eyes speak volumes when he looks at Adam, a sneer on his lips. Adam tries to ignore him at first but then he decides to just embrace the troublemaker name and goes all out. 

The party is a game changer. Adam breaks into Aimee’s house. New kids mom gives good advice, but he somehow ends up in a fight and he’s pissing Aimee off more and more until he smashes glass over the boys head. He ignores all the eyes on him. It stings when Aimee escorts him out with a “you ruin everything.” It aches as he starts to walk away from the building.

Eric notices him then and the other approaches him. “You know what’s funny about you and me, ya, is that we are different but both the same. We’re just two losers that nobody wants and -” then Eric is puking in a bush. Adam wouldn’t dare tell him that Adam wants Eric. That they may be losers, but Eric is wanted. He keeps walking though, ignoring the other. 

This isn’t the first time his father has threatened him with military school. He doesn’t really listen. He’s been threatening that for a while. He’s saying how serious he is now, but Adam is done. He doesn’t care. He’s already screwed everything up. 

The most he gets is a quick glance at Eric. He had become so bold as he’s grown up and this year he seems to have really come into himself. Adam stares at him a second too long at the swim meet and Eric catches his eye. He seems a little thrown off and Adam quickly glances away. 

Adam watches his father hug Jackson, bright and athletic and popular, and Adam frowns. He has never had a moment like that with his father. It’s frustrating to know that some random kid in his school gets more attention than he does from his own blood. 

He failed a few tests and his father yells at him. He is over this whole thing by now and just waits until he is done, reserved. It’s the same thing time and time again and Adam doesn’t care anymore. No, he isn’t his sister and he never will be. She’s dead anyway. 

His father does let him walk Madam in the afternoon most days. He ends up at the river. The same one he learned how to skip rocks at and he does just that. It helps him think. Today is different though because Eric show up, following a pack of dogs that seem to not have an owner. It would seem Eric is walking them. Eric is on his toes and Adam understand why. The conversation is normal though, for a while and Adam thinks that maybe he made a mistake all those years ago when he decided to bully Eric, not befriend him. He can’t change the past though and he knows that his father never would have let him be friends with someone like Eric. 

Then Madam starts to run and Adam panics, throwing a few angry words over his shoulder as he tries to catch up to her. He refuses Eric’s help but maybe it would have helped. He’s lost Madam and he walks into the house resigned. This was it. This was going to set his father off. His father is pissed and he ends up throwing dog shit all over the car outside Eric’s house before his thoughts can even process what he is doing. 

Eric shows up to school and looks different. The clothes he wears are dark and bland. He looks reserved, like he’s gone hard. Adam even confronts him, but Eric simply walks past him, not even acknowledging him. Adam doesn’t like it. He wants to be present in Eric’s world. He wants Eric to be bright and smiling again. He doesn’t like this look on Eric. 

He wins an essay contest that same day and he’s asked to read it. He doesn’t even know the words when he gets up there because it isn’t his. He didn’t write those words. His mother makes a big deal out of it and he feels happy and proud for the first time in a long time. It doesn’t last long though. His father finds out that he stole the essay and just gets out of the car, doesn’t even say anything. He’s on the waiting list for military school anyway so there isn’t much to say. The threat is hanging. 

The dance sucks. That is until Eric walks up. He looks pretty in his outfit, eyes all colored and dressed to the nines. Eric finds himself drawn to him. This is the Eric he knows. Brave and bold and bright. He watches as Eric has a moment with his father and aches for something like that, not with his own, but maybe something filled with love with another person. 

Adam gets in his face and Eric stand up for himself and Adam can’t help the heat the stirs in his gut. It scares the shit out of him. He thinks that is how he ends up tackling Aimee’s new boyfriend until suddenly his hands are on the collar of his father’s shirt, fist high as he yells “I hate you.” He doesn’t do anything though. There are all eyes on him and Adam flees the scene before it can get any worse. 

He gets detention after that incident and he has to say that he is surprised that is all he gets. He has to say that this is where everything changes. He walks into the room to find Eric standing there, bright and bold and brave in front of him. They confront each other and somehow end up in a fight and Eric is under him and warm and some of that bravery rubs off on him as he leans forward and connects their lips. This feels right. It’s the first time he’s been with someone and it feels like this, like this is how it is supposed to be. 

He may go a bit to far as he moves his lips downwards, unzipping Eric’s jeans and releasing him from the restricting fabric. It is over before he can even think. He enjoyed the tug of his hair and the look on Eric’s face as he came. 

It’s the panic that settles in after. He leaves with a threat and Eric looks lost and confused as he exits the rooms and hurries away. 

The next day at school he ends up sitting next to Eric. He shouldn’t do it, but he shifts a bit over, bumping arms and knees with the other. Eric is a bit stunned next to him as their pinkies touch. He likes the blue that lines Eric’s eyes, bright just like him. The feeling of their pinkies touching has Adam filled with warmth. 

It all comes to a halt when he walks in his front door that day with Madam under his arm. There is a man in uniform standing there. He follows him out a while later and hugs his mother goodbye. He has a resigned look on his face as he turns, eyes meeting Eric’s. There isn’t anything to do though as he slips into the car. He keeps his eyes on Eric as the car pulls away, making sure he gets one last glimpse of the other before he leaves.


	2. First Day

The car ride is long and quiet and Adam can’t believe this is actually happening to him. He would rather his father keep up his cruel behavior than leave Eric behind. He had finally been getting past some of the threats. He was finally starting to move away from his father after everything that had happened this past year. Eric had finally inspired him to start to be himself, but look where it got him. He had started to go soft and now somehow he had ended up in military school. 

He’s already imagining how horrible it will be. The place will be dark and dingy and everyone will be in the same uniform. The rules will be strict and Adam will be punished everytime he breaks even the slightest one. He wonders what the classes are like because he’s never been too good at those. Will they punish him for bad grades like his father used to? He’s sure he won’t be able to smoke either, which would suck. The worst part though is the fact he won’t see Eric anymore. 

The progress he had made with him these last few weeks has been far. The lunch money had dwindled and the sandwiches had been few and far between recently especially after Aimee broke up with him. He had thought it might help with the whole situation and it did, but in a completely different way than he had planned. This brought him closer to Eric. Yes, he had still threatened him, but Eric was actually talking to him, attempting conversation. He hadn’t seemed scared in the end either. That was a step in the right direction. 

He wants to ask how much longer, but he doesn’t remember the sargents name and he isn’t sure about asking to begin with. It doesn’t seem like something that would fly in military school. Stupid question that it is and all. He doesn’t have to wait too much longer after that as they pull up a long driveway and around the circle. “Get out and head to the front desk. I will meet you there,” the sarget explains. 

He doesn’t say anything as he opens the door and the sargent called his attention before he can step out. “It’s ‘yes sir’.” Adam swallows the lump in his throat and nods. 

“Yes sir,” he repeats, mumbling the words as he steps out. It doesn’t seem like the sargent likes his tone, but he drops it for now as Adam steps out and the car drives away. It leaves him by himself, a little confused as he opens the front door of the place, frown tugging down as he steps inside. It isn’t as dark as he had imagined. The front entrance is bright and opened, floor to wall windows lining the place. There are pictures hanging on the walls and if Adam had to guess it was graduating classes from the school. It was more welcoming than he had thought it would be. 

“Hello.” The voice startles him and he whips around. He had started to turn around as he looked at the walls with wide eyes, curious to look at the pictures closer. He will have to do that later because the woman behind the desk looks impatient and ready to go, like she has somewhere else to be. “How can we help you?”

“Groff, Adam Groff.” The words are spoken, but not from his lips. The sargent is suddenly behind him and Adam tenses for a second because his father usually places a hand on his shoulder when he stands this close to Adam. It isn’t just the hand on the shoulder, it is the pain that zips through the shoulder when his father tightens his grip. The sargent doesn’t touch him though. 

The women nods and hurries off to a room in the back. It is silent between the two of them as Adam shifts from foot to foot. She comes back with some paperwork and checks off a few places. “ I just need your signature.” Adam nods and reaches for the pen, but the sargent stops him again. 

“Yes, ma’am.” Adam nods and repeats the words as he takes the pen. He thinks about the one that Eric gave him in class. It is tucked away in his backpack stuck between the blank pages of a notebook he plans on using to write letters. He doesn’t know to who yet, but he thinks he might write one to Eric. 

The signature is messy as he slides his hand across the page a few times. He pushes the paper back and the women hurries off again to go and file the paperwork. She comes back out with a pile full of clothes and a bright smile. “Here you are.” He repeats the magic words as takes the pile. 

“You’ll be starting classes tomorrow,” the sagret says, nodding his head toward the hallway. Adam lets him go first and follows him down the hall. It is lined with mailboxes and he wonders which one will be his. The sargent answers that question. “308 belong to you.” Adam nods and he goes back to the schedule. “You’ll wake up at 0500 for your morning workout. Showers at 0630 and breakfast at 0700. The first class is math at 0800, english at 0900, 1000 science and 1100 history.” Adam nods, hoping they’ll give him a paper copy of this schedule because he will not remember it. “We have lunch at 1200 and electives at 1300 and 1400. There is an hour break at 1500 before we do our night drills at 1600. 1800 is showers and 1830 is dinner. After that is time for homework and free time. 2100 is lights out.” He didn’t get any of that.

The sargent points to different areas as they pass them, walking around winding halls. The halls are decorated with pictures of more classes and individual head shots. There is even a wall dedicated to outstanding students and Adam knows he won’t be on such a thing. He has never been considered outstanding at anything. 

The end of the walk is the dorms. There are a few rooms and Adam pays attention to which number is on the door. It’s a big room, but there are four bunk beds in the room. There is stuff scattered around the room and Adam frowns as he tries to find which bed he’ll be sleeping in. The sargent seems to know though as he walks over to the far bunk, indicating to the one on the bottom. “We take phone during the week, but we give them back for the weekend. We still do drills on the weekend but the rest is free time. Family visits are once a month. The next one is in two weeks. You get to go home every three months. If you have any questions ask your class sargent. You can walk around and familiarize yourself with the campus tonight but we expect you in uniform at dinner at 1830.” The sargent waits expectedly with a raised eyebrow.

“Yes sir.” The sargent nods and heads out of the room. Adam takes his time to move around the room and looks at all the other shit in here. He notices one of the dressers that is missing things and grabs his bag. He unpacks all his shit that he knows he’ll barely be able to wear. The top draw he puts his uniforms in, noting that there is a folder touched in the middle. It has his schedule and a map of the campus on it. 

He decides to wander around after that. The sargent had pointed out the bathroom a few doors down and he takes a piss before he starts to wander. The buildings are pretty straightforward. The classrooms are connected to the dorm by a long hallway and classrooms line the halls upstairs and down. 

The door at the end of the hall leads outside to the drill area and he pushes the door open. There are guys running around in perfect lines. It looks like they are doing obstacle courses right now. He watches the groups do laps, wondering how challenging the first few days are going to be. Adam is in good shape, but he was never much of a runner. He had always been into lifting rather than running. 

“You must be Adam.” The voice startles him and he is quick to take a step back bracing himself. Adam recognizes the pins on his shirt and knows that he is a sargent. “I’m Sargent Matthews. I’m the sergeant for your class.” Adam nods, letting out a breath as he relaxes a little. It seems like Sargent Matthews notices the reaction, but he doesn’t say anything. “That is your class over there,” he continues, pointing to the group climbing up a wall with only a rope to help. That seems more up Adam’s ally. “They’re a good bunch.” 

Adam doesn’t really know what to say so he simply nods his head. They stand in silence for a few awkward seconds after that and Sargent Matthews seems to notices that this conversation isn’t going anywhere. “Right, I’ll see you in the morning then. You have 15 minutes to get ready for morning workouts so the bell goes off at 0500 and we expect you out here by 0515 for the first drill.” 

“Yes sir.” 

He heads back in after that and wanders the campus. A bell goes off and he notices that afternoon drills are over so he starts to head back to his room. It looks like he just beat his classmates as he slips on his uniform and out the door as they come down the hall. 

He sits alone at dinner. 

\---------------------------------

Eric watches Adam drive off and there are so many questions swirling around in his head. The last few days have been so confusing and Eric was having trouble even processing what the hell happened. He was hoping to talk to Adam, try to find out what the hell was going on, but he guesses that isn’t going to happen now. The duffle bag was clearly full of clothes and that looked like a goodbye to Eric. 

He doesn’t leave the front of the house until the car is out of view. It’s a slow ride home as his mind wanders and he tries to work through some of the stuff that happened these last few months even. 

Adam hadn’t been harassing him as much lately. It started to decrease after he broke up with Aimee like he started to try to be nicer to win Aimee back. It obviously didn’t work, but it seems like he was only doing it for show now that Eric thinks back on it. He hadn’t seen that into the relationship to begin with. 

That might just be wishful thinking though. Maybe he had started to get a little nicer because he liked Eric. Though, Eric can’t really call Adam’s behavior as being treated nicer, but he had stopped stealing his lunch as much toward the end. It had been a start. 

Eric thinks all the threats might have been Adam’s way of covering up, hiding who he really was. He tried to be a bully instead of who he might have actually been. He could also just be pulling a complete prank on Eric, which is much more possible. 

Eric is choosing to think otherwise though. That kiss. It had been so deep and passionate and Eric hasn’t ever had one that good before. It had felt right in such a wrong way and Eric still wasn’t sure how he felt about that just yet. He definitely shouldn’t be feeling that way about a guy who bullied him for years. 

Then the pinkies. The fact that Adam didn’t shy away that day in class could have been the start of something. Adam would have normally yelled and threatened Eric if he had gotten that close before, but Adam had been the one to initiate it. It really didn’t make any sense. 

Eric finally arrives home a few minutes later with even more questions that he had before and he doubts that he is getting any answers any time soon. This totally sucked. 

\----------------------------

Adam can’t help but think that Eric would stand out like a sore thumb in this place. The uniforms are all the same bland green and each cadet is wearing a hat to cover their short hair. Adam hadn’t gotten his trimmed yet, but after looking at all the people around him, he knows that he was going to lose his hair very soon. It met that there was going to be nothing to grab onto when he went down on Eric again-

He has to shake his head, trying to expel those thoughts from his head. That wasn’t going to happen again. He doesn’t even think Eric would talk to him again. He wouldn’t talk to Eric if he had been in his shoes. He just has to forget what happened and move on. He can’t be focusing on this. He should be focusing on getting out of here as fast as he could, not that he wanted to go back home and live with his father again, but he just didn’t want to do this structuring.

“Hey, new kid!” The shout catches his attention ahd knows that they must be talking to him. There is suddenly a group of guys sitting at his table and Adam doesn’t know what to do. He was used to sitting down by himself at lunch at Moordale because he had driven everyone away there. It had been lonely but nice. He didn’t have to pretend to talk and be interested. 

He doesn’t say anything as the others sit down around him. “We’re your new roommates.” It’s another cadet that says that and Adam glances over at him. He introduces them all and Adam doesn’t catch anyone’s name because he doesn’t really care. He doesn’t do friends and hasn’t for a long time. He plans to keep it that way. 

“Adam,” he does say, hoping that will get the guys off his back.

“Where are you from?” one asks. He’s at the end of the table. He’s a little heavier than Adam would expect with all the physical exercise, but he has a pile of food on his plate twice that of his peers. Adam decides he doesn’t like him in that moment because he just wants to be left alone. He doesn’t want to be part of a conversation. 

“Moordale,” he grunts, picking at his food in front of him. He isn’t that hungry right now, not after such a long day at this point. He decides that another question will drive him out of the room and he does just that when another kid asks about why he came here. He doesn’t even say anything as he gets up and tosses his tray. He heads in the direction of the fields and scopes out prospective places to smoke when he can sneak a patch into this place. 

\-------------------------

Adam is in bed when the rest of his roommates trickle in that night. He’s turned facing the wall, the perks of having a bed in the corner of the room. The guys mutter as they walk into the room, toiletries held in hand. Adam doesn’t bother to listen because he doesn’t really care what they say. He doesn’t care what people think. The only thing that he catches is “Give him a break. Remember how hard it was when we started.” The other’s hum in reply as they finally disperse to their respective beds. 

Adam doesn’t know who turns the lights off or if the sergeant hadn’t been lying when he said lights out at 2100 and they are set to go off. The darkness doesn’t really help his mind settle down. The thoughts are still racing, wandering around his brain and keeping him awake. 

He thinks about his father, because how could a father do this to their child. How could a father treat their child the way he has treated Adam all these years? He hadn’t even had the decency to say goodbye to Adam before shipping him off for however long. Adam wasn’t even sure how long he was stuck here. He wasn’t even sure if his family (more specifically his mother) was even going to visit him in a few weeks or at all. If his father has anything to say about it, he’ll just let Adam rot here until he decides to let him come home. 

The long days are also on Adam’s mind. He’s had his phone taken away and he isn’t sure what to do with the free time that he has. It isn’t like he is going to use that time to study or anything. He hadn’t studied in years for school and he isn’t going to start now. That would probably just give his father more satisfaction that he did the right thing by sending Adam away. 

Then there was Eric. 

Eric’s bright eyes flash behind his eyelids and he can’t help but think about the last few days. The look on Eric’s face as he went down on him. The way his lips felt against Adam’s. He can’t remember ever feeling like that with another person. The noises Eric had made are ringing in his ears and Adam thinks that he better stop thinking about this in his shared room or he was going to have a problem very soon.

Then he flashes to his threat. The words had left his lips in a panicked state. He couldn’t let his father find out about what had happened. The last time he had even shown a small amount of affection to another guy his father had sent him to the hospital. He had had it drilled into his head that it wasn’t right, that he shouldn’t like boys. He remembers his father even calling him a freak at one point. He was quick to hide all these feelings and shove them down. It didn’t seem to matter thought because his father had sent him away anyway. 

The next day Adam was going to ignore Eric. He was just going to avoid him all day, but it’s hard to avoid people in his own class. It especially doesn’t work when you end up sitting next to them because you show up to class late and it’s the only seat. The moment had been unplanned as he shifted closer to the other. Eric had been so shocked by the little act and Adam wanted to see these positive emotions across his face. Adam had only seen fear in Eric’s face when he looked at him. It was so warming to see these positive expression on his face. That little smile that had tugged the corner of Eric’s lips up had made Adam’s heartbeat a little faster. It made Adam think, for only a moment, that is father didn’t need to know about this. 

Then it was all ripped away from him. He wasn’t even going to get a chance to redeem himself, because that is what the next few weeks or even month would have been. It would have been redemption so he could prove that he wouldn’t hurt Eric again. If Eric would even give him that chance. Adam had hurt him so much over the years that Adam couldn’t ever expect Eric to forgive him in the first place.

The morning bells goes off and Adam realizes that he got almost no sleep that night because his mind had been racing. He must look like the walking dead as he dresses that morning, tugging on the plain uniform and following his roomates to the correct place (because he is much too tired to remember where everything was). Sergeant Matthews is nice enough to walk him through morning drills that day as his team races around the place. He is assured he would not be getting a break tomorrow morning though. 

Adam doesn’t really pay attention in his classes that day. He still has his focus on Eric as he sits in class and he finds himself doodling in his notebook, thinking about what he would say to Eric if he had been able to stay. He doesn’t even know if he would have had the guts to say anything to Eric. He doesn’t know if he would have gone back to his bullying ways or simply ignored the other for the time being. The sneer on his father’s face flashes before his eyes and he realizes that he probably wouldn’t have pursued this, not now at least. He couldn’t put Eric in the middle of himself and his father because nothing stayed a secret at that school. It was a well known fact that everything was revealed eventually, which would mean that it would get back to his dad. He knows he wouldn’t do anything to Eric, can’t do anything to Eric, but he can see himself sitting in the hospital, a leg this time or both even. He would have had to tell people he fell down the stairs and cut Eric out without even an explanation. It would be better to simply ignore Eric so nothing started in the first place. 

But this was different. His father wasn’t here. He couldn’t monitor what Eric was doing. There was no way he could find out that Adam was writing letters to other people. There was no way he could find out if people were visiting Adam unless he visited himself, which Adam did not expect to happen. This could be his chance. He doesn’t know what he will do if he ever gets out of here, but he could think about that in the future. That wasn’t a now problem, it was a later problem. 

The day drags on after that and Adam spends most of it thinking about what he will write in this later. He doesn’t really know what to write and he spends that night writing the first line and then erasing it. He has to throw so many pieces of paper away because he just doesn’t know what to write. 

“Can’t figure out what to write?” 

Adam’s eyes snap up and he is quick to cover up the letter. He doesn’t know how people will react to the name Eric written across the top of the paper. The look on Adam’s face seems to deter the other as he steps back, holding his hands up in a defensive manner. 

“Just trying to start conversation.” Adam recognizes the other as the guy who sleeps on the top of his bunk. He has a swollen lip and Adam can’t help but wonder why. Did he hurt himself during the morning drills? It looks a few days old so it hadn’t been recently. “I know. The first few days are rough. I started about a month ago.”

Adam doesn’t know what this kid wants him to say. The other simply invites himself to sit across from him and doesn’t push. Instead, he pulls out his textbooks and gets a start on his homework. Adam abandons the letter then because he doesn’t want the other to see. He figures he can keep thinking about the wording as he doodles on a new piece of paper until it’s time for lights out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just really enjoy getting into Adam's head. Hs is so fun to write and I'm really trying to flesh him out.


	3. First Signs of Trouble

Eric writes a letter. He doesn’t know how else to get all his emotions out, to start sorting through them all. He’s swimming in a sea of Adam, his sad eyes flashing every time Eric closes his. This whole thing has been confusing enough and then Adam had to go and leave.

The headmaster hasn’t even said anything on the topic. It’s like Adam never even existed. One day he was terrorizing the halls and the next he was gone. It’s weird because everyone has noticed that his presences is missing. The anger and sadness that used to exude off of him is missing in the halls as he used to walk by. There is not a single person that has the guts to talk about it though. No one will ask what happened to Adam. The teachers don’t even seem the know what happened to him. The first day they had paused at Adam’s name, knowing he doesn’t show up on time but never forgetting to ask. The only thing is that he hasn’t shown up. He hadn’t come in a few days now.

And Eric can’t help the sadness and fear that sits in his gut at the thought of it. He saw the fear in Adam’s eyes at the dance. He has seen the sadness that Adam tries so hard to cover up with anger and rage and bullying. Eric had always been conscious of Adam, always drawn to him. He’s seen Adam sitting in the corner of the room, anger and rage fading away for the sadness and pain that he was in. Eric had never had time to dwell on it because Adam always seemed to catch him looking and that sadness and pain would always be covered up, hidden away the instant he saw Eric looking. Adam was not one to be vulnerable and weak. He was not someone who would show emotions on a normal basis. That was what was so surprising about the kiss.

Adam had been open in his facial expression, even if it was only for a moment. The kiss had seeped this longing that Eric can’t explain, like he had been wanting to do that for ages, like it was a relief that he had finally been able to kiss Eric. There had been so many other emotions that same day but the clearest one had been fear. The threat had been out of fear and Eric didn’t know where that fear stemmed from but he had a good idea. It could be because he was scared of coming out, of the thoughts of being with another guy, but Eric’s gut told him that it was because of Adam’s father. Eric had never gotten a good vibe from the headmaster and with Adam’s outburst at the dance, it had only been solidified with the way they looked at each other.

Eric has so many questions for Adam. He wanted to know about the kiss but he also wanted to know about his father. He wanted to know about the pain. He doesn’t think that would happen any time soon because that is something that would take time.

He doesn’t know how that would work though. He doesn’t know if he wants to give Adam a chance. He doesn’t know if he wants to start fleshing out the others emotions because he doesn’t know if he wants Adam in his life. The other had bullied him for years, shoving him into lockers and taking his money. Eric couldn’t just forget about that with one amazing kiss. He couldn’t let one almost hand hold cloud his judgement. That wasn’t how life works. One kiss couldn’t fix all the years of pain.

This is how he ends up sitting at his desk, pen in hand and paper blank in front of him. He doesn’t even know where to start as words swirl around his head. He doesn’t know what to put on paper first. He has a few crumpled up attempts in the barrel because there is just so much to ask. He isn’t even going to send this letter. It doesn’t need to be perfect. It just needs to be written so Eric can get some of these things out. They say to write letters when you need to get your emotions toward another person out and not send it. Eric doesn’t know if an address would change this but he does know that he needs to write this. He needs to sort some of this out because it is driving him crazy.

He finally puts pen on paper and just goes for it, let’s it all out in front of him.

_Adam,_

_I don’t think this letter will ever reach you. I wouldn’t even know where to send it. There has been no word of you transfer from the headmaster and the whole school feels...different. It’s weird not having someone stealing my money everyday. I’m going to be a lot richer now._

_I just wanted to reach out because I have so many questions. The kiss has been playing over and over again in my head and I can’t help but wonder about that moment in class. It has been messing with my brain as I try to figure out what it meant. You spent years bullying me only to turn around and kiss me one day. I just wonder how long you’ve wanted to do that because the desperation in that kiss, it was unexpected for someone who had been bullying me for so long._

_I don’t know what I want to get out of this letter. I don’t know what it will lead to. I know it will probably never get to you, but for some reason I want it to get to you. I want to know what is happening in your head. I want to talk about this. I had tried to before you left. I was going to talk to you but you were getting into a car, leaving for I don’t know how long. It didn’t even give me time to realize I wanted to figure out what this thing might be. If it could be anything. It didn’t give me time to see if I could move past the last four years._

_It doesn’t matter now though because I don’t think I’ll see you again. At least not any time soon. I’m not going to be able to see if I want to give this a try. I’m not going to see if I can move past this. I guess it is what it is though._

_Eric_

He folds up the letter and tucks it in an envelope. He licks it closed and stashed it away in his desk. He doesn’t know why he keeps it but he just has a feeling.

\--------------------------------

Adam doesn’t write anything. He ends up going to bed with more questions than he started the day with. He doesn’t know why he can’t seem to write anything, but it’s like he just doesn’t know where to start. There is so much to say, too much to say at this point, and it will be hard to fit it all into a letter. He knows this is the only way though and he plans on trying again tomorrow.

He thinks he’ll start with an apology. It seems like the most obvious thing, but it opens up a whole door. He spent years bulling Eric and he doesn’t know how he can portray how sorry he is in just words. Eric won’t be here, to hear any emotion in Adam’s voice or to see it written on his face. Adam has never been good at words either, even before he gave up in school, English was his worst subject. The words just never flowed together for him.

He has to explain what happened, why he isn’t around school anymore. He doesn’t even know when he’ll be back. His father could leave him here until he is 18 and finally free from his father’s thumb. It isn’t like he would know what to do at that point though. He wouldn't have any place to go but home at that point. He has no money. He has no home. He has a crappy family.

Maybe he should just leave Eric alone.

Adam doesn’t think he should drag people into his crappy life. Eric was a shining, positive light who wasn’t afraid to be himself. Adam wouldn't want to stifle the light in him just because he was selfish, just because he wanted a little bit of light in his life. He had sent years shoving Eric into lockers just to get a glimpse of the light only to be looked at by fear. He had seen that light for only a moment when they were in the music room together, but Adam had been quick to stifle that as the fear of his father finding out had settled in.

By morning he decides that he isn’t going to write a letter. It was a stupid spur of the moment idea and now that he has thought about it, he isn’t going to do it. He doesn’t want to drag Eric into his life. Eric deserves better, especially after the years of crap that Adam put him through. Adam wasn’t going anywhere anyway and Eric was going places.

Adam dresses that morning with a little more purpose and follows his group out of the room. It’s unexpected when he sees a new guy lining up with them that morning. He doesn’t get introduced so Adam assumes he isn’t actually new because Adam had gotten introduced that first day of classes. This was something different though. The whole class seems mellow today, energy low as they shoot looks at this guy.

The guy is pretty built, more so than the rest of the group. He has a smirk settled across his lips and it gives Adam flashes of his own father, dark and cruel. Adam doesn’t like the look of him and he notes that his bunkmate shifts uncomfortably next to this guy, frown tugging down his lips and fear hiding in his eyes. Adam thinks it looks like that same fear that Eric used to look at him with, that same anticipation that comes with waiting for your bully to just get the whole bullying part of the day over with. The bruise on his bunkmate’s chin stands out to him and Adam wonders if it was from this new student. Maybe he is the bully of this class like Adam had been for his own at Moordale.

The question is answered for Adam the second they step out of line to do drills. Adam can see the guy take a step to the left, purposeful in his movement as his bunkmate goes flying forward. He falls face first into the dirt. His hands don’t get out in time to stop his head from colliding with the ground and Adam frowns when he hears the others head smack against the dirt. He comes up and looks a bit out of it, eyes unfocus for only a moment.

The other goes running off, a smirk on his lips. Sargent Matthews is looking the other way at this point, getting ready to lead his team in drills. The group is tentative as they all start to follow after the sargent and Adam frowns as they leave his bunkmate on the ground, fending for himself as he tries to push himself up.

Adam decided after the whole Eric thing that he wasn’t going to turn into his father. Yes, he had no desire to make friends, but he wasn’t going to blatantly ignore this whole situation like his group has, the same group that sat around him at dinner last night and pretended to be friends with his bunkmate only to leave him in the dirt today.

He should probably just get going and let the other get up, but for some reason he is drawn to the other. He doesn’t know why. It was something he felt the first time he laid eyes on the other, but he had ignored that feeling, pushing it down as he vowed to stay friendless. If you had no friends, you couldn’t be hurt when they left like they always do.

But he reaches his hand out anyway.

The other seems shocked as he looks up. He’s moved so he is sitting on his ass now, brushing the dirt off his hands. Adam can see that the pebbles on the ground have cut up his palms a bit and he knows that is going to hurt like hell when he starts his drills.

“Thanks.” The words are uttered as he takes Adam’s hand. Adam sucks in a breathe when their hands touch. It’s a flash of a bright smile and green eyes staring up at him. The hand feels so familiar, like ones he has held before, one that used to cause warmth to shot up his arm and safety to settle in his heart.

Adam has to take a long moment to think. He hadn’t been listening when names were rattled off the first day, but he puts himself back at the table, staring into those same eyes as everyone had been introduced.

“Patrick,” he whispers, eyes wide as he nearly lets the other’s hand go, which would leave him to fall on his ass again. He holds on though as the other is finally on his feet, brushing off his pants now.

“Yeah, that’s me. Didn’t realize you knew my name. Pretended you didn’t yesterday.” Adam doesn’t know if he remembers. Maybe the memories aren’t as vivid for him. Maybe he found someone else after he moved away and Adam faded into his memory. Adam didn’t exactly look the same as when he was a child. He had his nose broken at one point and it hadn’t set correctly after his father refused to bring him to the doctors because he should suck it up like a man. Patrick had been Adam’s last friend though, the memories driving him to keep it that way. The pain of Patrick leaving had been one that was so great because he had lost his only safe haven from that of his father. The abuse had only gotten worse after Patrick had left and Adam knows that wasn’t Patrick’s fault, but he always associated the two. Of course, it also had to do with Adam’s clear feelings for the other, even at a young age. That was definitely a factor in his father’s intensified abuse after that.

“I didn’t yesterday.” Adam is still stunned as he looks at the other. Patrick seems oblivious to the whole thing as he starts to jog over to the rest of the group. Sargent Matthews looks like he is starting to get impatient at this point.

Adam doesn’t push it though. He lets the other jog off. He looks a little unsteady on his feet as he hurries over to the group. Sargent Matthew’s voice draws him from his daze and he is quick to hurry over. He isn’t going to dwell on the whole Patrick thing. He doesn’t intend on being friends with him at this point. Adam had broken him all those years again and he had no plans to relive that pain again when he was pulled from this place.

\----------------------------------------

Adam is tired by the end of the day. This is the second day of all this physical activity and it really hits him today. He had been in pretty good shape previously, but he ends up crashing after dinner, not even bothering to go to the library. He wakes up when his roommates come into the room, but falls back asleep the second the lights are flicked off again. He hears muttering about the new kid and being hard the first few weeks, but he could care less. He is used to people talking about him behind his back. Moordale was filled with hallways of people who used to talk about him. They talked about him being a bully. They talked about him being the headmaster’s son. They talked about him making a fool of himself when he dropped his pants in front of the whole school. They talked about his breakup with Aimee and his feeble attempts to get her back.

The next day is the same thing. Adam’s muscles ache as he tries to pull himself up the wall. He notices the way the bully snicker at him as he struggles, but he doesn’t really care. Sargent Matthews tells him to move on when he is about half way up, but he doesn’t take his advice as he pulls himself up the rope further, grunting as he finally propels himself over the top. He misjudges the other side though and goes tumbling down the small incline, landing with crash.

“Fuck,” he swears, pushing himself up. He grabs his shoulder, frowning at the pain the emmits from it. He has to shake it off though as he notes the stares from his classmates and he hurries to the next obstacle.

The day drags on just like that as he sits in the corner of his classes, shoulder aching as he doodles in his notebook. He ignores his classmates as he trudged to dinner that night after the second round of drills and crashes in bed soon after that.

It goes like that all week. He doesn’t like this new schedule. It is structured and intense and he ends up skipping class on Friday. It’s a stupid move, he knows, and he doesn’t even do anything good. He expected he first time he would skip class would be spent out in the fields smoking the first cigarette he could get his hands on. He’s spending this one in bed though. He can still feel the ache in his shoulder and his eyes won’t stay open anyway. It’s the last class of the day before they get a small break before night drills and he doesn’t think he’ll be able to get through drills without this little pick me up.

He sleeps like a fucking rock too. He feels rested and energized when he arrives at their nightly drills and even with the ache in his shoulder he finishes that night without the desire to collapse the second he finishes their nightly run.

“Adam Groff to the headmaster’s office. Adam Groff.”

The words echo through the cafeteria and Adam frowns. He is familiar with being called to the headmaster’s office, but this is the first time at a new school. It draws a lot of attention from the guys in his group and he ignores them as he heads out of the room.

This feeling isn’t unusual. He always put on a brave face when he was back at Moordale, but he had always been terrified on the inside. He knew his father wouldn’t hit him, not on school property, but that didn’t stop the words from cutting through him, leaving a completely different ache than when his father would hit him. This one was deep and gapping in a way that Adam didn’t like. He could take a hit, learned to take a hit, but words always cut deeper, hurt more. They hurt until they didn’t anymore. They hurt until Adam started telling himself the same things. He was a failure. He wasn’t going anywhere in life. He wasn’t his sister. The words hurt less after he realized they were true.

“Adam Groff,” he states when he enters the room. It’s the same women as the first day, the one who had given him his uniform. She nods and calls into the other room before telling Adam that he is all set to go into the room.

There is a fear the settles into his stomach as he steps inside, but the fear seems to discipitate when he doesn’t see his father on the other side. There is a relief that courses through his veins, because he knows this person won’t hit him. He doesn’t have flashes of being hit or yelled at when he walks into the room. He must look too relaxed though because the general is frowning now, clearly noticing the change in his behavior.

“I see that you have skipped class, private.” The tone of voice makes Adam swallow and the anxiety is suddenly back. He does well to mask it as he nods his head. “That is not acceptable in this school unless given written consent by the school physician to do so.”

“Yes sir,” Adam says. The sargents words echo in his head from the first day and he decides this is probably the best time to practice this particular skill. He doesn’t know what punishments are like in military school, but for some reason he is imaging a lot of cleaning.

“I expect you to meet with your team sargent to get to work and finish that and more by Monday. There will be no phone privileges this weekend.”

It doesn’t really seem that bad. Adam’s father would have yelled and screamed and told him that he was a failure. He could live without a phone for the weekend. He didn’t have anyone to talk to anyway. Aimee wanted nothing to do with him. He was sure that his father forbid his mother do contact him and he knew his father wasn’t going to contact him.

The only person he would be tempted to text was Eric, but he didn’t even have Eric’s phone number so that wasn’t going to happen. He could try to stalk him online, see if he could find him on instagram to contact. The weekends seemed kind of slow so the fact he lost his phone was probably a good thing because he may have been tempted to text Eric or look Eric up out of boredom. He wasn’t going to involve Eric in his life and if he could get through this first week than he thinks he could do it. He thinks he can start to let this whole thing go.

“Do you understand me, private?”

“Yes sir,” he repeats.

“The consequences will be worse next time so I recommend that this doesn’t happen again. Dismissed.” Adam repeats the magic words as he makes his way out of the room. He lets out a breath as he heads back to the cafeteria. It hadn’t been as bad as he had thought. He could live without a phone for a while. The extra work was a little different, but he would try to get it done...maybe. He wasn’t too sure how much he was going to get done yet. He hadn’t gotten in trouble for not doing his work yet so he might just risk not doing it this weekend.

The cafeteria is pretty well empty when he enters after the meeting. He knows that a lot of the guys hurry out when they finish so they can hangout in their rooms or outside on the fields on a nice day. He can see his usual group of roommates sitting at a table in the corner causing a lot of commotion as they laugh and cheer. They’re one of the few tables of people left which isn’t usual for his teammates. He hurries by the group, trying to make sure they don’t try to get him to sit. If he gets to the cafeteria first, they’ll sit at his table but they at least have the decency to let him sit at the end now. They don’t hound him either like they tried to do the first few days. Adam would get out as fast as he could when they did. He still gets out as fast as he can but he doesn’t shovel the food into his mouth like he had been.

He hurries through his dinner today though because he just wants to get this whole thing with Sargent Matthews over with. The food is actually pretty good today but he is quick to shovel it in and throw everything in the dish area before he heads out of the room.

The hand around his wrist stops him from escaping though and he is quick to yank it away. “What the hell?” The words are a little too loud as he turns around, drawing the attention of the last few people in the room. The group of his teammates are all staring because Patrick is the one who grabbed his wrist and Adam frowns, taking a few steps back. “I have to meet with the Sargent.”

“Wait!” He looks like he is about to reach out again to stop Adam but Adam steps back, putting more space between them. He doesn’t like the flashes of childhood when the other touches him. He doesn’t like that it makes him feel safe in a way that it shouldn’t. That is still makes him feel safe. “Adam Groff. I thought you looks familiar. We used to play together.”

“I know.” Adam doesn’t let the other continue as he turns around and heads to his Sargent’s office so they can talk about his missed class.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Self-doubt for Adam is going to be a major theme throughout this. He doesn't think he is good enough because he's been told that his whole life. This story will consist of him working on that a lot. 
> 
> Patrick was a last minute add and I'm so excited because I think he can really help Adam grow and see that he isn't worthless like his father has been telling him for years. He will definitely play an important role in Adam finally reaching out to Eric. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed! Please let me know what you think!


	4. Digging up the Past

There is a lot of down time for someone who doesn’t do homework. He also doesn’t have a phone which is not helping this whole situation. It’s fucking boring when they have the two free hours in the afternoon before bed. He tried to drag out dinner but his roommates insist on sitting at his table and he doesn’t want to sit with them so he ends up leaving within 15 minutes. This leaves him with too much free time. It leaves him a lot of free time to think about Eric.

He hates that he can’t get the other off his mind. He hates that he can’t stop thinking about the other. He hates that every time they have some free time, he starts to convince himself to write a letter only to have to remind himself why he isn’t going to write that letter. It’s this really annoying cycle that he could really use a distraction from.

The weekend has been the worst so far. He lost his phone privileges and he finished the mandatory makeup work before it was even noon on Saturday. He doesn’t plan on doing the homework and it leaves for long boring hours sitting in his bed or in the library. He will wonder out into the fields every once in a while to putter around.

They have a lot of sports fields outside, but Adam hasn’t seen anyone practice on them. He wonders if they have any teams. Maybe it is off season right now? He does notice a group of guys hanging around the far fields. They’re all holding rifles and Adam squints into the sun to see what they are doing.

He furrows his brows as he watches them get into formations, making his way closer to the group. They make perfect lines at the sergeant’s command and Adam watches as they all shift into the same position, feet apart, the butt of the rifle resting on the ground, arm held out as it holds the other end.

The curiosity gets the best of him as he walks the rest of the length over to the open field. There are seats along the side and he sits down, putting his hands over his eyes like a visor to block some of the sun.

The sargent calls out a command and suddenly there are guns flying in the air as the group marches in place. Adam sits back, eyes wide in shock as they move into lines, throwing the rifles back and forth between them.

Adam ends up sitting there for over an hour watching as the group practices different tricks. They seem to have a routine and Adam wonders if they go to any competitions. They seem like they are a pretty good team though.

Adam has never been one for sports teams, but this seemed interesting. They literally get to throw around rifles and it would give him something to do during the long break hours. He has never been too good with the whole team thing. He doesn’t get along with people. He doesn’t like working with other people. The only person he ever even wanted to be close to was Eric and he screwed that one to hell by choosing to bully him rather than befriend him. He tried with Aimee but it clearly wasn’t met to be.

“Are you thinking about joining, Adam?”

The words startle Adam as he looks up. He hadn’t realized he zoned out when they started to clean the place up. Sargent Matthew is standing in front of him, a smile on his lips. Adam tilts his head up, blocking the sun as he looks at the other. He must not have realized it was his sargent because of how bright it was today.

“No sir,” he replies, even though he is thinking about it. He’s just worried about the whole team thing. “...Maybe, sir.” The words seem to cause the smile on his sargent’s face to brighten and he pats the Adam on the shoulder. Adam instantly tenses under the touch, but it seems like the other doesn’t notice that, because he ends up resting his hand there.

“That would be great, Adam. We practice six days a week and it’s a great way to meet new people.” That really isn’t a convincing argument for Adam, but he likes the idea of not having so much free time. He likes the idea of not thinking about Eric in his free time.

“I don’t really do teams, sir.” He doesn’t mind Sargent Matthews. He wouldn't say that he likes him but he seems like a fair guy unlike his father. It’s something that Adam appreciates even though he’s only been here a few days. He would have gotten a beating from his father for skipping class instead he simply had to make up the work. There wasn’t even a threat of being hit. It made sense, up the work and then some for skipping class. It didn’t make sense to get yelled at and possibly hit depending on the mood.

“There are individual competitions as well, but I think it would be good for you to be on a team. Plus, you have to work your way up to individual.”

That didn’t sound too bad. He just didn’t know about working up to the individual thing. “I’ll think about it.” Sargent Matthew nods and doesn’t push the subject as he turns to go instruct the team on the next steps.

Adam doesn’t know if he will do it yet, but he might come out to watch them practice every once and awhile. It was impressive watching them throw the rifles around. He hadn’t seen a single person drop it either. It was something that could kill some time as well.

Maybe Sargent Matthew’s would let him use the rifles to try at some point, maybe practice before committing to a team. It could get him to the individual level faster.

“Sargent,” he calls a second later. The second the thought comes into his head he decides that is what he is going to do. He can give it a try without being on the team.

“Private.” They’ve finished cleaning up now and Adam watches as they all head into one of the buildings Adam hasn’t been into. He wonders if that is the athletic facilities.

“Would I be able to learn how to do that? Before I commit to joining the team?”

“I think I can work with you, teach you a few things. And you aren’t automatically on the team. We have tryouts.” Adam doesn’t know if he will get to the tryout part yet, but this is a start. It will fill up some of his time. It will help him avoid the thoughts of Eric and his bright smile and warm body.

“Can we start tomorrow?” He has been dreading Sunday. The day would be long after morning drills. They didn’t have any planned activities later in the day. Saturday usually held some activities in the afternoon (that Adam still wasn’t sure if he would attend), but Sundays were free. They were met for homework and calls home. Adam didn’t have enough of those.

“Monday. I’m off site tomorrow.” Adam tries not to let the disappointment show. Sargent Matthews seems to notice though. A frown tugging down his lips. “The first few weeks are hard to adjust too. It will get better.”

Adam simply nods and Sargent Matthews seems to understand that that is the end of the conversation. This is why he likes (fine, he likes the other) him. He seems to get Adam. He knows when the conversation is over. He doesn’t push for more when Adam talks. He doesn’t call him name or treat him like shit. It is weird really and Adam is afraid the other shoe will drop once he settles in more. That is why he is so tentative to use the word ‘like.’

\---------------------------------

Sunday is hell. The day drags on until he finds himself sitting in front of a piece of paper in the library. He’s found an old desk touched into the back corner of the building. It is a little dark and obviously out of the way which is perfect for Adam. He doesn’t want people to bother him. He doesn’t want people to see what he is writing.

He’s already gone for a walk this morning. It’s rest day today so he doesn’t have to go for a run this morning. The walk clears his head a bit but he wishes that he was able to get a drag. It would help calm the itch he feels, the tingling in his fingers. It would help calm the storm that is his thoughts.

The walk only lasts just so long before he ends up in the library. The blank piece of paper is glaring at him as he grips the pen. It’s the one that Eric had given him his last day of school. It had been buried in his bag and he had only found it when he had dumped everything out looking for his ID.

It feels weird in his hand, heavy. It had been like it was calling for him to write. It wanted him to write something to Eric. It didn’t help that his resolve to leave Eric out of his life was crumbling quickly. It was lonely here. He didn’t feel seen at all. Though him and Eric hadn’t been friends, Eric had always been a constant in his life. Eric had always noticed his presence, even when it was out of fear. Adam wishes he hadn’t created that fear. It had been a stupid way to get attention.

_Tromboner,_

Adam shakes his head, scribbling the word out. He shouldn’t start it that way. He had started that trend and kept it going only to bring Eric down. It was to get Eric’s attention in a negative way. That was not who he wanted to be now. He needed to do this right if he was ever going to do this.

_Eric,_

It felt weird to write that. He wonders how it would sound on his lips. When they had that moment in the music room, he hadn’t said the other’s name no matter how much he had wanted to. He had to get used to saying this if he wanted it to go anywhere.

I’m not really sure what to write. I don’t know where to start. My thoughts haven’t been able to calm down since that moment. They haven’t been able to forget that moment. It’s really fucking annoying. It’s especially annoying with all this free time. It gives too much time to think. It doesn’t let me forget about that moment.

As I write this, I think the first thing I should tell you is sorry. I’ve been thinking about how I treated you the last four years and it shouldn’t have happened. That isn’t how I should have handled my own feelings. I took everything out on you and you didn’t deserve that. The last few weeks have really made me realize I don’t want to be like my dad. I don’t want to be the bully.

“Adam.”

The words startle Adam as he covers up his letter. The words are private and he doesn’t know how people will react to Adam writing to another guy. He knows his father will give him hell if he ever found out and he doesn’t know if it will get back to him. He doesn’t know if his father has an in here. He’s a little scared to find out. He’s a little scared to even risk sending this letter. That is why he is still on the fence.

Adam looks up only to see Patrick smiling at him. The other has a new bruise on his cheek, on that has caused his eye to swell shut slightly. Adam wonders what happened but he isn’t going to ask. Patrick seems to notice him staring though and points to the bruise. He still has a smile and Adam shifts to look back at his desk, folding the paper in front of him over so he doesn’t have to huddle over it anymore.

“The other guy looks worse.” Adam can’t tell if he is joking or not. This doesn’t seem like the place that would stand for fighting though. If Patrick had been in a fight, he imagined him suspended or whatever kind of punishment this school gives when you break the rules. It obviously depended on the crime since he only had to make up some work for missing class. Fighting seemed like a pretty big crime though. Unless they just turned the other cheek. It really could go either way.

Adam doesn’t say anything in reply, eyes widening a bit when the other takes the seat across from him. He had almost moved the chair when he came in but he felt that would be too much. He just assumed no one would wonder back here. He should have just moved it though.

Patrick simply invites himself to the table. Adam can’t even object before the other has spread his textbooks and notebooks across the other half of the table. He watches with wide eyes as the other pulls out his pen and starts to write.

“What the hell do you want?” Adam narrows his eyes at the other, frown pulling down his lips. The last time this happened Adam had walked away. He is tempted to right now.

“I’m just doing my homework. The lighting is good here. I like it dark when I do my homework.” He sure was happy for someone sporting such an ugly bruise. It was obvious he was lying too. Adam had been struggling to write in this corner. He can’t imagine trying to read a textbook.

“What the hell do you want?” Adam asks again, because no one wants to sit and do homework in the dark. Adam wasn’t stupid. Patrick wanted something. He probably wanted to get to know him again, rekindle their friendship. Patrick had something coming to him if he thought Adam was here to make friends. Adam wasn’t giving him another chance. That wasn’t how life worked. He can’t get hurt if he doesn’t make friends. That was his problem last time Patrick left. He had let the other in and he had left. That is what was happening with Eric now. He had let Eric in in his own weird twisted way and now it hurt to think he probably wasn’t going to see him again.

“I just...you are the Adam I used to play with, right?”

Adam doesn’t like that question. The second he had touched the other, he had known it was Patrick. He had known it was his long lost friend. He had know it was his first heartbreak, even if he hadn’t realized that at the time it happened. It hurt to think he hadn’t meant enough to Patrick for him to realize that.

“It’s just-I know it’s you...but I don’t know it’s you. It’s like the logical part of my brain is telling me it can’t be true, it can’t be you, not after all these years, but the emotional side, the one that remembers all the emotions, is saying that it is you, that you’re sitting in front of me. I can’t make heads or tails of it because if it is you, you sure as hell grew the fuck up. You were short as fuck as a kid.”

A frown pulls down Adam’s lips as he looks at the other. That was the stupidest thing he has ever heard. Adam had just gone with his gut feeling, the thing that had reminded him about the pain of losing the other. It helped that Patrick looked exactly the same. It was true that Adam looked different. He hit a growth spurt soon after Patrick left and soared over most of his class. He had also had his nose broken and it was never set right so it was a bit off now.

“I am that Adam,” he finally sighs. He folds the note in half again, tucking it in his pocket.

“Shit! I knew it!” Patrick cheers, like he just won the lottery. The smile on his lips shines bright and Adam remembers when that used to be his comfort. He remembers when that smile used to be his safe haven from his father, his reassurance. It left him empty inside now. It didn’t do anything for him. “How the hell have you been?”

“I’m not the one with a shiner.” The words dodge the question, because Adam doesn’t want to get into that. He doesn’t feel comfortable getting into that with Patrick. He doesn’t feel comfortable getting into that with anyone.

He isn’t going to tell anyone that he feels like crap, that he feels like a worthless failure who doesn’t deserve to be loved. The words his father have repeated to him time and time again play in head head and he believes them. He knows that are true. It used to show in every C he got when he actually tried in school. It showed in the few relationships he had, because people always left. It showed in the way his father hits him, calls him names. It showed in the way his mother was oblivious to everything inflicted on him by his father. It shows in the lack of letters, the lack of inquiries he knows aren’t happening back at his old school.

“It isn’t the first time and it won’t be the last time. Some people just don’t accept my lifestyle. I hope to change that one day, but for now I live who I am despite the consequences.” Adam furrows his brows at the other because he doesn’t know what he means by lifestyle. He thinks he might know. He thinks there are hints from when they were younger. The other seems to notice his questioning look. “It’s not really a secret in here anymore. I tried when I first started, but that ass Fred found out and made sure to tell everyone. You’ll probably find out anyway so….I’m gay.”

The way Patrick braces himself has a frown pulling down Adam’s lips. He doesn’t like how the other seems to be waiting to get hit. That is something that shouldn’t happen and he suddenly realizes that is the same looks Eric used to give him. It was the same helpless, defenseless look. Adam hopes Eric knows he never picked on him because he way gay. It was quite the opposite actually. He picked on him because he was out and proud and he could be out and proud.

“Why the hell do you look constipated?”

Adam watches as the tension visibly leaves Patrick’s shoulders, a smile pulling up his lips. The laugh sounds through the whole place, bright and warm and it reminds Adam of when they were children, playing outside and running around.

“I’m happy we got to meet again.” The words strike Adam in a way he hadn’t expected. This wasn’t how this conversation was supposed to go. Adam thinks he slipped back into his memories, slipping back into how he felt when he was around Patrick. He needs to firmly wrap those thoughts up and stuff them away before he falls back into old ways.

“Whatever,” Adam mumbles, crumpling up the paper in his hand. The note isn’t going to happen today. He has to many thoughts swirling around now, but the problem is that the memories of Patrick are already making it hard to focus on simply Eric. He hates that just a single conversation with Patrick has done this to him.

He doesn’t let the other continue as he stands up, tossing the note in a nearby trash can. Patrick seems like he wants to say something, but Adam hurries down the aisle before he can get another word in. He didn’t want to continue this conversation. He didn’t want to remember the other. He wasn’t going to fall into this friendship again. It would only hurt when he left this place behind, not that he knew when he was getting out of this hell hole. He could only hope it would be soon, but knowing his father, it could be ages.

The thoughts are starting to get the better of him. The itch in his fingers, the need for a drag are becoming unbearable. He decides to take another walk around campus. He goes around the trail they run the morning and ends up walking aimlessly till dinner.

\--------------------------------------

Adam hates the nights. He hates the darkness. He hates that Patrick is sleeping right above him like he used to when Adam would sleep over at his house, the safe haven that kept his father’s beating to a minimum during that time period. It had all gotten worse after Patrick left. He could tell his father knew about his feelings. The bruises and broken bones where evidence enough for Adam. That’s the same time he shoved all those feelings aside and tried to hide how he felt, the same time he started to bully Eric just to be close to the other without drawing attention to himself.

It’s another night without sleep. It’s another night with his racing thoughts. He wants to go for another walk, try to expel the thoughts from his head. He wants a drag but he knows that won’t be happening any time soon. He’s smelled them on his peers a few times but he’s the new kid, there was no way they were going to share with him.

“Adam.” The word is whispered into the air, soft and quiet. The rest of the group is asleep. Their snores are enough to tell Adam that. Apparently Patrick wasn’t asleep though.

“I’m sleeping,” he mumbles, lying through his teeth. He was talking in general so that was already clue enough. He should have just stayed quiet when the other called him name, pretended that he was asleep.

“You should finish that letter. The guys are great here, our roommates, not all other people, but it still gets lonely. It’s good to stay connected to home.”

Adam let’s the words sit for a moment. He knows Patrick was referring to the letter to Eric. He had seen him that first day struggling to write a letter and he had probably caught a glimpse today.

“I don’t have anyone to write too.” He wasn’t lying. He was sure Eric didn’t want a letter from him. He wasn’t going to write his parents. It wasn’t like he had friends to write too either.

“It doesn’t seem like that to me.”

Adam doesn’t reply as he listens to Patrick’s breaking steady off as he drifts to sleep. Adam spends most of the night thinking about his words.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for any spelling errors there may be. I'm a terrible editor. I can't catch mistakes no matter how many times I read it over. I do hope you enjoyed the chapter though! Let me know what you think!


	5. The First Step

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was away last weekend so this took longer to get out than expected. I was going to actually wait till Sunday, but I decided just to post it. I'm going to try to stick to Sundays after this week though. 
> 
> I would also like to note I'm from the U.S. and I know I haven't been hitting all the English culture and wording and I apologize for that. I did try to get the money mentioned in this chapter right but I'm not sure if I did. Please bear with me.

The rifle feels weird in his hand. It’s heavier than he expected and the length hits him in the wrong stop since he’s taller than a lot of the other guys. It doesn’t seem to matter though. There aren’t rifles for people who are taller so he just has to manage.

Sargent Matthews shows him some of the basics. Adam thought it was going to be easy but the first try flys through the air and nearly hits him in the foot when it slips from his fingers. The second try isn’t any better and the third the rifle does land on his toes. It stings for a moment and Adam whinces. It isn’t anything he can’t handle though. He has had a lot worse in his life.

“Trying throwing it higher. It isn’t spinning fully because it doesn’t have time.” Adam wonders how long Sargent Matthews has done this to notice something small like that. There had to be a reason he was the one leading the team. “I did the same thing when I started. It never went high enough. I actually broke my toes when I first started.”

“When did you start?” Adam asks, curiosity getting the better of him. He doesn’t usually pry into people’s life, but he’s actually interested in this. He wants to know more about this sport, if you can even call it a sport.

“I picked it up when I was about twelve. I went to visit my dad on campus and saw the competition. He was the Sargent back then.” Sargent Matthews has a fond smile on his lips, one that indicates he’s living through a good memory. Adam wishes he knew what it felt like to have good memories with your father. He only had bad ones and was sure he wasn’t going to make any good ones in the future.

“How long did it take you to learn this?” If he picked it up fast, then hopefully Adam could. He still wasn’t sure about joining the team, but he wanted to continue to learn. It could help pass the time. It would help distract him from Eric.

“It took a few weeks, but I didn’t have a lot of practice time then. I’m sure you’ll pick it up quickly. The rest of the moves are pretty easy once you get the hang of the basics.”

Adam nods, tossing the gun into the air again. He throws it higher this time, but it seem to be too high as it over turns and hits his fingers awkwardly on the way down. It clatters off the ground again and Adam has to jump back so it doesn’t hit his shin.

“Just keep practicing. It will come. If you need any more help, I’ll be in my office. I have some papers to look over. We can meet again tomorrow though.”

“Yes, sir,” Adam mumbles, not even looking at the other as he leaves the building. Adam is too focused on the rifle in his hand, the way it soars through the air, the way it slips through his fingers every time. He isn’t sure why he can’t get it quite right yet. It’s a bit frustrating, but that frustration is easily taken out on the rifle as it flies through the air. It easily distracts from all the other emotions swirling through his head.

It’s lights out when the rifle finally lands in his fingers. It slaps against his skin and he can’t help the cheer that leaves his lips, jumping up as it lands. “Fuck yeah!” It feels good to actually work at something. It feels good to actually work at something and succeed. The last time he tried at something, he had thought he succeed, but his father had proven him wrong. He doesn’t have his father here to call him a failure. He doesn’t have his father here to call him worthless. He doesn’t have his father here to yell at him and tear him down.

He hates that he actually likes it. This whole thing was supposed to be a punishment, but it’s already been better than living under the same roof as his father. It was a weird thought that something that was supposed to make him even more miserable has actually done the opposite. It isn’t like he’s enjoying the place. He still doesn’t want to make friends and his roommates won’t leave him alone, but he hasn’t been called worthless in over a week now. It’s a new feelings. It makes him feel too comfortable, like the second he enjoys it, his father will show up and ruin it all.

He practices every night that week until lights out. It makes his free time in the afternoon go by much faster and much less Eric focused. It isn’t like it distracts him the whole time, but he’s usually knocked back down to earth when he drops the rifle. It helps him refocus and start over, taking a deep breath as he tries the trick again.

\---------------------------------

He’s working on flipping it behind his back when Saturday comes around. There are families littering the area as Adam makes his way to the club house. He knows his own family won’t be coming today. He doesn’t want his family to come and visit him. He is in this position because of his father and he would be fine if he never had to see him again.

He does want to stay as far away as possible from the families gathering around campus. He may not want to see his family but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t painful seeing other families. He didn’t like seeing the happy moments families shared. He didn’t like seeing children being talked to in a kind and friendly way from parents. It made his heart ache and his stomach chur. It made jealousy bubble and boil in his chest.

That was one of the reasons he threatened Eric at that dance so many days ago. The moment he witnessed between father and son. The acceptance that bleed from that hug had rage suddenly blooming in his chest and he took it out on the confident beautiful man in front of him. The only person he could take it out on because his father was cruel and unfair to him. Because the moments with Eric were the only ones that brought him some joy and peace especially when the confidence oozed off the other and stirred something in Adam that day, something he had been trying to shove down and keep dormant for years now.

“So this is where you’ve been running off too.”

The words startle Adam and the gun slips from his fingers, bouncing off his toes and causing a pain to shook up his foot for a moment. “Fuck.” He shakes out his foot for a second before he bends over to pick up the gun. His toes are throbbing now, aching in his shoes and he frowns as he looks behind him at Patrick. The other has kept a distance since that night last week. The advice still sits with Adam, words turning in his head every moment his mind is free. They twist and turn as he thinks about Eric and the letter sitting unwritten in his notebook. He has to shake the thought from his mind now as he shoots the other a glare. “What the hell do you want?”

“Just wondering how that letter is going.” Patrick is too nosy for his own good. He’s acting like there hasn’t been years of heartache between them. He’s acting like he never left all those years ago. He’s acting like they are still friends. He has something coming if he thinks they can just fall back into things. Adam had been broken after he left and he knows that he never quite healed from it either. It’s evident in his lack of friends and his decision to bully Eric rather than befriend him. It’s evident in the fact that Aimee broke up with him. It’s evident in the fact he sits alone everyday at school, the fact he chooses not to have friends because he doesn’t want to get hurt again.

Adam wants to ignore the other. He wants to just turn around and keep practicing. There is something in his gut telling him to answer though. The memories of his days with Patrick are quick to remind him that the other is persistent and annoying. Adam had liked it before, liked the attention that he didn’t get from his own family, but he hates it now. He doesn’t need Patrick butting into his life. He does decide to answer though because he hopes it will lead to Patrick leaving him alone for a bit (even if he knows it won’t).

“I don’t have anyone to write too.”

Adam watches the frown pull down Patrick’s lips. He watches the way he squints his eyes, forehead furrowed in question. “Everyone has someone to write too.”

“That’s bull shit and you know it.”

There is a pause for a second. Patrick is clearly trying to figure something out but Adam doesn’t really care. He turns himself around and starts working on his newest trick. It’s a bit harder since he can’t see what he is doing with this trick. It’s a nice challenge though and it takes more of his concentration which prevents his mind from wandering as much. He likes it.

“But I saw you writing a letter.” The words make Adam stop for a moment, glancing at the other. He seems genuinely curious to know more about this but Adam wishes he would just stop.

“You saw me writing a pipe dream.” Because that is what it was. It was a dream that that letter would ever get finished. It would be a dream if Eric actually wrote back to him. He probably wouldn’t, not after everything that happened. Not after everything that Adam did to him.

“The worst they can do is not reply. At least you tried that way. Leave it in their court.” Adam curses Patrick. He hates that the other is butting into his life. He hates that the other makes so much sense. Adam wonders how long he’s been here. It seems like this advice is coming from his own experience.

“Shouldn’t you be waiting for your family to visit.” Adam rebuts because he has nothing else to say, because the words resonate with him. He doesn’t want to process any of this right now though. He just wants to practice and forget about the loneliness of this place. He wants to forget about the fact he doesn’t get to see Eric’s bright face everyday. The fact that was the only bright thing in his life.

“My family can’t come this week and my boyfriend is coming tomorrow so I’m free today.”

“Then just leave me the fuck alone.”

Patrick doesn’t seem offended by his words. They seem to roll off him as he simply smiles at Adam. It’s like he knows he hit something, like he knows that he made Adam really think. Adam wants to curse him out and yell at him. He wants to shove the other and punch him. He wants to deflect and cry into the other’s shoulder like he used to. He wants to spend hours by the other’s side, a protective arm around him. He wants to shove the other away for making him feel these things, for confusing the fuck out of him.

“I’ll see you at dinner.”

Patrick is smug as he walks away and Adam wants to shake him and ask him for advice all at once. He hates emotions. They suck.

\-------------------------------------------

Patrick, the fucker that he is, got into his head. Adam stays up all night with his words ringing in his head. He can’t help but think about giving this a chance. Eric doesn’t have to write back if he doesn’t want to. He can just throw the letter out. This would leave Adam with at least some feeling of closure with this whole thing. It might help him sort out his emotions if he writes it as well.

He was still confused by this whole thing. He didn’t know what to do with the emotions he had pushed down for so long. Eric had been a dream that he went and chased after. Eric had been an escape from the abuse of his father. Eric had been light in the darkness that he felt. He screwed this whole thing up by going after this dream of his.

Adam had spent years fearing his father and hating him. The second he saw Eric hugging his own father he felt inspired and courageous in a way that he could have never imagined. It was the same moment he stood up to his father for the first time. It was the same moment he realized that it was okay to like a man. Eric’s father had clearly accepted him after that emotional moment. Adam had just ended up with a crappy father who was an unaccepting asshole.

The whole thing backfired on him though. He knows his father didn’t find out about Eric. He is happy he didn’t find out about Eric. Adam had to sort everything out with himself before he could start anything with Eric and figure out if this thing was real, figure out how he felt. There was definitely something there on Adam’s side. There had been a spark the second he laid eyes on the other. He had been terrified to do anything about it after his father found out how he felt about Patrick. He had been a confused boy when Patrick left and his father feed off that, manipulating him into thinking it was bad to have feelings for another man.

He was done with his father though. He could take a hit, take the harsh words if that meant he got a bit of light with Eric. He was getting ahead of himself though. His father didn’t even need to know about it, wouldn’t know about it until long after this whole thing worked out, if it even worked out.

He had to start by writing a letter though.

Patrick is right. He can send the letter and leave it all up to Eric whether he wants to continue this conversation or not. This would give Adam closure, time to figure out his own feelings. It would give him time to get to know himself. He had spent so long pushing his feelings down and suffocating them with fear. It was time to try. It was time to write the letter and work through these stupid feelings. He couldn’t ignore them forever, especially not in this boring ass place.

“Adam!”

The words startle Adam. Patrick always seems to startle him. He wasn’t used to having friends around (even though Patrick wasn't technically his friend). When he was dating Aimee, they didn’t hang out much and she never snuck up on him like this. It was usually planned meetings. This was different and weird and he didn’t like it. It gave him flashes of his father, looking over his shoulder, sneaking up behind him and grabbing his shoulder. He hates that his father has this hold over him.

“What the fuck?!” Adam growls. There is a pad of paper in front of him. Sunday afternoon has come and ached with boredom. He could only practice with the riffle just so long before it becomes boring and his hands started to hurt. He was building callous though. It made him feel good in a way he hasn’t in a long time. It was the first thing he’s actually enjoyed in years (besides Eric’s company those last few moments).

“You’re so fucking tense, dude. You gotta calm down a bit.” It comes with years of expecting his father to hit him or call him names. It comes with years of being miserable and sad and scared to be who he was. It comes from years of shutting people out, not dealing with the emotions pushing through the surface.

“Because you’re always trying to hang out with me when I clearly don’t want to hang out,” Adam retorts. He notices the twitch at Patrick’s lips, but the other doesn’t let it deter him as he takes the seat across from Adam.

The seat next to Patrick is pulled out and Adam slides his eyes from the other, glare permanently in place as he glances at the other. He doesn’t recognize him from the program and notices that he doesn’t seem as tense as the guy in his group, always ready for a run and standing in formation. It is hard to shake the stance when they are off hours.

“This is Franklin, my boyfriend, the one I told you about.” Adam narrows his eyes, watching as Patrick rests his hand on top of Franklin's. He looks happy and content as the other glances at him.

It’s in that moment that Adam realizes that he has never seen a healthy relationship between two men without his father whispering horrible things in his ear. The two of them look happy and healthy and Adam can feel that little bit of twinge in his chest, that ache for something like this. He thought he had it with Aimee. She was kind and giving and would do whatever he wanted but it wasn’t right. It never felt right. He may have not been able to realize that with his brain but his body seemed to get it. The only time he felt that momentary lapse of happiness was when Eric shifted closer and glanced at him with those blue rimmed eyes. It had something warm stirring in Adam, something he hadn’t felt since Patrick.

“Why the fuck are you introducing him?”

Patrick shrugs and leans back in his chair. He takes Franklin’s hand with him and rests it on his lap. They look content despite the fact Patrick has told him he’s been in fights because he was gay. Adam wonders how he does it. He wonders how you could be so comfortable with a threat hanging above your head. That is exactly the opposite of Adam.

“You writing to that person?” Adam’s question goes unanswered as Patrick changes the topic. The paper in front of Adam doesn’t have anything written on it. He had only just sat down a few minutes prior to Patrick’s arrival and he had been trying to brainstorm what to write. He was thinking short for now. He could make it longer if Eric actually replied.

“None of your business,” Adam says, covering up the piece of paper even though there isn’t any words written across the page. He was self conscious of his writing skills nonetheless that fact he was basically writing a love letter to another man. Fuck, this was so hard. He was scared of the word ‘love’ attached to the letter part but he finds that he has been using it recently as he works through some of his own shit.

“Whatever,” Patrick says, hands coming up in a defensive manner. “Do whatever you want. Write to whoever you want. We’ll just be sitting here and catching up. Do your own thing.” He sounds like he is baiting Adam. Adam wants to move but he suddenly wants to just write this letter and get it done with. It might get Patrick off his back. It might help with him emotions. He doesn’t really care about the others right now because Adam glances up at them, watching the look they give each other and Adam knows he has to write this now. He feels inspired by Patrick and he hates him for that. Patrick definitely planned it.

_Eric,_

Adam sees Patrick glance over, a smile pulling up the corner of his lips. He doesn’t care if the other see Eric’s name across the top. Adam covers the page a bit more and Patrick shifts so he is facing Franklin. Adam can hear them whispering as he starts to finally bring pen to paper. It’s the first time he feels like this will actually work.

\---------------------------------

Adam hasn’t been back to the main hall since he started. It’s buzzing with people this time around. There are families saying goodbye, hugging each other. It causes an ache in his chest that he has to shove down as he treks down the hall.

There is nothing in his mailbox. He would expect such a thing and only looks because he is close to it for the first time since he started. This isn’t why he is here though. The letter in his hand is why he is here.

He has wrinkled the edges a bit in just his walk over. The envelope has Eric’s name written across it. He has made sure to write his own in the corner with his address, hoping the other will write back. He hates that he only knows Eric’s address because he threw dog shit at his car only a few weeks ago. He hates everything that he did to Eric. It reminds him too much of his father and he doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want to be his father. It took getting away from him (and kissing Eric) to realize this. It took too long to realize this.

He doesn’t have a stamp though. The corner is empty and he hopes they have them at the front desk. The only reason he even has an envelope is because they have some on the librarian’s desk. It’s apparently a popular place for writing letters and Adam is thankful they even have envelopes because he wouldn’t have ever thought to bring any.

“Do you have stamps here?” Adam asks after waiting in a short line.

“Yes. We do.” It’s the same woman from his first day here. She seems a little less tense today and is smiling at him. “You can have a booklet for £10 or one for 58p.”

Adam hadn’t come prepared. He has next to no money to begin with and he definitely didn’t bring the little he had for stamps. He doesn’t know why they would just give them out for free but for some reason he had, like the envelopes in the library.

“Here you are.”

Adam snapes his eyes up, not even realizing that he had been staring at the letter in his heads. Patrick is standing in front of the desk now, holding out a pound. “I don’t need your charity.”

“Just pay me back later. I feel like I made you write the letter so it’s the least I can do.”

He doesn’t let Adam reply as he walks off. Adam notices him standing in the corner with his boyfriend, the two of them having an emotional goodbye. Adam doesn’t dwell on it though. He can deal with it later. He simply takes the stamp and places it gently on the corner of the envelope for now.

He has a moment of doubt as he stand in front of the mailbox. It is glaring at him and he crumpled the letter in his hand as he thinks about backing out, just tossing the letter. He doesn’t know why he is putting himself out there. It has only lead to him getting hurt time and time again. He doesn’t need to be hurt again. But Patrick has gotten into his head and he soothes the letter out before he pulls the front of the mailbox open. With a deep breath, he drops the letter in. There is no backing out now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> He finally wrote the letter! It took him long enough. Haha. The next chapter we will head over to Eric for a bit and finally get to see what the letter says and work through a little of what's been going on in Eric's life lately. 
> 
> I'm honestly really enjoying Patrick and I think he is just what Adam needs in his life right now. 
> 
> Please let me know what you think! I love comments and they've really been driving me with this story. I'll be answering them this weekend as I got a bit behind with vacation and I worked overtime this week. I love hearing your thoughts and it just makes me so happy.


	6. The First Letter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eric reads the letter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was hard to write. I think it was writing from Eric's POV. It was just weird and different and I miss Adam. I hope you enjoy the chapter though. This will finally reveal the first letter.
> 
> I have literally reread every fic for these two because they are all I want to read. I check constantly to see if people posted something new. It is killing me. It is also driving me to write for this pairing since so few seem to be. I just wish there were more fics. It makes me so sad.

It’s hard to forget about Adam when Eric has detention everyday. The memories of that day always come flooding back every time he enters that room. It’s annoying and frustrating and the memories cause a rush of emotions in his chest. He is starting to get really sick of it actually. He has to relive the best kiss he’s ever had, the best (and only) blowjob he’s ever had. The memories always sit with him as he tries to organize the mess of music stands.

Today is no different.

He takes in a deep breath when he walks into the music room, eyes closing for only a moment as he tries to keep himself grounded. It doesn’t work though. He opens his eyes back up as he steps into the room, door sliding closed behind him. He can see himself on the ground, feel Adam above him.

It leads to Adam on his mind the whole time he tries to untangle and set up music stands. There are a row of fixed ones in the corner and he only ends up adding one or two a day. The work definitely goes slower when he is thinking about Adam.

It’s easy to remember the kiss. The way that it made him feel, spreading warmth and excitement in his chest. It had his blood pumping and his heart racing. It had him feeling happy and warm and dare he say appreciated. Adam had been so gentle with him in that moment, tender even. It’s hard to forget the threat at the end though. The one of many threats in his life that Adam had inflicted on him. It’s also hard to forget the years of rough bullying that one tender moment could never erase. He hates that he likes it so much because he doesn’t want to give Adam that satisfaction. Yet, the next day Adam had shifted closer, nervous and vulnerable for one of the first times Eric had ever seen. It was in a way that was different from the day before. Eric had feed into it, let Adam shift closer, touch pinkies.

The moment they touched pinkies Eric’s breath caught in his throat. It had felt right, touching Adam, comforting him in a way Adam probably didn’t even realize in the moment. Eric had given into the feeling in the moment, letting it wash over him. It led to Eric going to his house later that day, detention cancelled and Adam on his mind. He had looked so sad in that car.

It was probably good he left though. Eric doesn’t know if it could work out. There was a lot to forgive on Eric’s part, years of bullying. It wasn’t going to just happen overnight. Adam might not have even wanted to explore this thing either. It could have just been an experiment that he regretted the moment it happened. It could have met nothing to him. It could have been a fluke of a moment. It didn’t really matter though because Adam was gone and Eric probably wouldn’t see him again.

Detention is slow moving as thoughts of Adam swirl around his mind. He had only fixed two music stands by the end but the pile has significantly shrunk since he started a few weeks ago. Mr. Hendricks doesn’t seem to care though as he opens the door an hour later and dismisses Eric.

The bike ride him is quiet. It’s weird not going home with Otis everyday. He likes the idle chit chat on the ride. It helps keep his mind off Adam and his thoughts from wondering. It’s also nice just to have the company on his way home. He knows he’ll see the other in the morning though for their ride to school.

He pulls up to his house a little earlier than usual. Without Otis, he definitely rides a bit faster. He doesn’t know if he likes that or not.

He greets his family as he walks into his house. They seem enthralled in something and all ideally say hello to him as Eric heads up the stairs. It’s been a long day and the second his bed comes into view he is collapsing onto it, a sigh leaving his lips.

The only thing is the crinkle of paper as he lands on his bed. It has his eyebrows furrowing as he tries to think of what it could be. He hadn’t left anything in his bed this morning. He pushes himself up out of curiously, only for his confusion to increase. The letter on his bed is a surprise. He can’t read the writing across the front from this angle and balances his weight to grab the envelope.

The shock hits him tenfold and he almost drops the letter when he reads the name in the corner. Adam Groff. It’s from fucking Adam Groff. This is literally the last thing that he would have expected. It was supposed to be a one and done kind of thing. Eric was finally coming to terms with the fact it wasn’t going to happen again, that he wasn’t going to be able to explore this and even see if he could start to forgive the other and move forward. Fuck. This was so crazy.

He doesn’t even take another second before he rips the envelope open and unfolds the paper.

_~~Trumboner~~ Eric,_

Eric doesn’t understand why he can’t stop with the Trumboner shit already. The other had sucked him off for fucks sake and he was still calling him that. At least he fixed it this time. Eric wants to hear Adam say it though, hear how his name sounds one Adam’s lips.

_I’m not good at writing for shit. The words don’t come out right when I ~~right~~ write something. That’s why I’ve thrown so many pieces of paper away. The words never make sense and it sucks._

The fact that Adam had just admitted to practicing his writing, working hard to make it at least a little legible and meaningful for Eric. It made Eric’s heart skip a beat. He had to remind himself that he hadn’t read enough of this letter to even know what this was about. Adam could be sending a letter to keep up the bullying for all Eric knew. If it wasn’t to bully Eric, then one letter couldn’t fix all the years of damage that he caused.

_I’m in military school. It sucks. I’m sure my father is ~~pretending that I don’t exist~~ pretending that I don’t exist. The fucking study session is crap here. I don’t do homework. It’s is a waste of a lot of my time._

_I can’t shut my mind up. It’s annoying as hell. There is too much down time. I spend most of it thinking about ~~shit~~ stuff that happened with you. I’ve been able to think a lot. It sucks._

_Anyway, I’m sorry. For all the shit I did. I don’t want to become my dad. It took too long to realize that._

The words shock Eric. The paper is wrinkled in his hands as he reads those few lines again and again. He hadn’t expected this from Adam. The other was never one to open up and share. The only time he did that was his dick reveal to the whole school but that was different. This was Adam apologizing for years of bullying.

Eric wasn’t ready to forgive him. He had spent years scared of Adam in the hallway. He had spent years losing his money to the other. One letter wasn’t going to fix that. One thank you wasn’t going to fix that. One thank you in writing especially. It was a step but looking Adam in the eyes, seeing if he actually met it was a whole other thing. Eric needed more than this.

_I know it’s short. This ~~friend~~ asshole in my class won’t leave me alone and is trying to read my letter._

_I’m leaving it in your court._

_-Adam_

Eric’s breath catches in his throat. This was the last thing he had expected. He hadn’t gotten over Adam, not yet, but he had finally started to move past it before he got this letter. He was coming to terms with the fact Adam was gone, out of his life forever. This letter changed everything. It left so many questions for him.

He just didn’t know if he was going to reply or not yet.

\----------------------------------------

Eric reads the letter over and over again. There is so much to dissect the more he reads the letter. The first time he had been too focused on the shock of the apology. It had consumed his thoughts as he read it over the first few times actually. It wasn’t till he read it over the next morning all the little hints stood out to him. There was so much to unpack about Adam’s life in this letter and so many answers within those few sentences. Eric was surprised how much Adam had let slip when he read through it carefully.

The first thing is obviously the military school part. There had been rumors about the school but everyone was too scared to do anything more than spread rumors. It was like Adam was completely forgotten only a few days after he left, when those rumors died down. Adam’s father hadn’t even mentioned it and that brings him to the next part of this letter. The single line that is so short but so telling all in one.

_I’m sure my father is ~~pretending that I don’t exist~~ pretending that I don’t exist._

Eric felt pain just thinking about it. There was an ache in his chest as he thought back to those hard times with his own father, before the dance and their conversation. It didn’t matter how much Eric fought about these things with his father though. He knew his father would never pretend he didn’t exist. That would never happen.

This one sentence was more than just his father pretending he doesn’t exist, but Adam feeling that way. It was a parent's job to love their child and make them feel validated but this one sentence made Eric think Adam’s father had done no such thing in his life. Eric had heard the rumors about Adam’s father. There had been students outside the headmaster’s office while Adam had been inside. The words that were spread around campus were not nice. It was a rare occurrence though. Eric hadn’t been sure if he should believe such rumors, but maybe he should. He had thought somebody was pulling something sick and twisted but maybe they were telling the truth.

If you combine this with Adam’s outburst than it starts to all make sense. The pain in adam’s eyes at that moment as he grabbed his father, yelling at him that he hated him. It had shaken Eric to the core, but he had brushed over it as some teenage temper tantrum. Eric couldn’t forget Adam’s eyes though. The sadness and ache in them. The usual anger had been replaced for only a split second. It was such a short amount of time Eric could have sworn he imagined it. That could have been a sign that it wasn’t just Adam being a teenager. It was him feeling invisible to his father.

He wonders about the crossed out section as well. Adam had obviously regretted his words, tried to take them back. The thing is that he hadn’t taken it back in the end. He had left it there for Eric to read, like he wanted Eric to know that there was something wrong. He wanted Eric to get that hint, to tell him a little bit about his life, about his father. It was a vulnerable moment that he had shared and it changes the whole tone of the letter. It was the first thing that made him realize this couldn’t be a joke. This was a serious letter that Adam was writing.

It made him realize that Adam was actually putting in some effort. It made him realize that Adam was probably lonely. He may not have had friends here, but he had been surrounded by people he knew in school. He always had Eric. It was shity how he treated Eric, but Eric was always there, always a constant, always looking for him. It makes Eric hate that he feels bad for the other. It make Eric realize that he didn’t have many friends and that those moments Eric caught the other looking at him where longing and sad and fearful. Eric hate that one word can make him realize that in those moments Adam had been trying to communicate with him, tell him how he felt.

He wants to know more though. He wants to know why he always pushed Eric isn’t of befriending him. He wants to know what he met about his father. He wants to know how military school was and talk to the other. He wants to forgive him. He wasn’t going to, not yet, but he wants to. He wants to explore this thing, but he just isn’t sure about this. He doesn’t want to get hurt more. He doesn’t want to let Adam hurt him anymore. If he was going to do this, he was going to have to do this on his own terms, at his own speed. He wasn’t sure right now if he was ready yet, to talk to Adam, but it might happen one day.

_This ~~friend~~ asshole in my class won’t leave me alone and is trying to read my letter._

It’s the friend part that gives him the next hint. Adam had clearly crossed that word out. It was like he didn’t even want to admit to himself that he had a friend. The only question is why Adam would leave it rather than write another one.

Did Eric have someone to thank for getting Adam to write this letter? Of course, Eric still hadn’t decided if this was a good thing or not. Eric was simply going to forget about this and move on. He didn’t want to bring it back up and he didn’t want this kind of decision on him. He didn’t want the ball in his court. It was easier when Adam was here and he couldn’t avoid the other. Eric was going to put on a brave face and just talk it out with Adam. Adam may not have been game for that but Eric could try. This was different though.

The letter in his draw crosses his mind. It’s been sitting there for a good two weeks and Eric still doesn’t know why he kept it. He doesn’t understand why after he specifically wrote it knowing it would never reach Adam. He couldn’t decide if he should sent it though. Maybe he should write another? Maybe he should just ignore it?

He doesn’t have much time to think on it as his alarm goes off and he has to head out for school soon. He may need to talk to Otis about this despite Adam’s threat. It wasn’t like Adam was here to hold him to it anyway. He just really needed someone to talk to about this, someone he knew wouldn’t judge him. Eric doesn’t think another letter will work to help him come to this decision.

\----------------------------------

He brings the letter to school like some weirdo. He doesn’t know why he brings it, but he just wants to have it close as he thinks about the contents of the letters, processes what the hell Adam said in this letter. It was messy and short, but there was so much to flesh out.

“Eric!” The words cause Erc to jump. He doesn’t remember locking up his bike and heading to his locker. He doesn’t remember Otis coming up next to him. He can only focus on the thoughts swirling through his head.

There is emptiness without Adam in the hall. Eric still feels weird without Adam’s presence in the hallway. He still tenses up sometimes at his locker as he waits for Adam to come down the hall. It’s been a hard habit to break. He hates that he misses Adam. He doesn’t miss the bullying and the taunting. He doesn’t miss the constant fear. He misses the way they used to catch eyes. He misses the rare moments they would have where they actually connected with each other. He misses the way Adam’s hand felt against his, which is shit because it only happened once. It was so fucking stupid and pathetic but Eric can’t help it, not with the letter in his hands right now.

“I got a letter from Adam,” he blurts. Otis is shocked. It’s written all over his face. He has never been good at hiding his expressions, especially not from Eric. This is what he had expected though, but he realizes that he can’t do this here when he notices a head glance in his direction. He doesn’t need people listening in on his conversation, especially because he doesn’t want to out Adam. He may hate the guy, but he was probably struggling a bit with sucking off a guy for the first time. Eric had only ever heard of his dating Aimee so he can’t imagine that he has had experiences with another guy. He probably had emotions to process and Eric didn’t want to scare him or pressure him even if he didn’t go here anymore.

“W-what?” Otis’ eyes are wide, mouth hanging out. Eric can’t help, but rolls his eyes at the other. He grabs his hand and glances around the hallway. He has to find someplace for them to talk without overhearing ears.

“You heard what I said,” he replies, winding down the halls until he finds an empty room in the back of the school. He curses himself when he steps inside. He was so focused on avoiding students that he hadn’t realized this was the abandoned music room, the same one that Adam kissed him in, sucked him off in. He sucks in a deep breath as he enters the room, frown tugging down his lips.

“E-Eric, are you sure?” Eric rolls his eyes at the other after composing himself for a moment.

“I know how to read, Otis.” The other looks like he is panicking, trying to figure out what the hell to say about this. Eric can relate as he hadn’t known how to react either. The panic for him had only lasted the first few reads, until he had realized that this wasn’t a joke, he had read it correct. He doesn’t know why Otis is panicking though, but that is a pretty normal state for Otis so Eric probably shouldn’t be surprised. “It was definitely from Adam.”

“How does he know where you live?”

That had been one of Eric’s first questions, but he was quick to realize that had to be from Adam’s shit throwing incident. Eric still isn’t sure why he deserved that, but if he writes back than maybe he can ask eventually. He could ask Adam about everything. He could actually see what the other is like without anger and rage in his eyes. He could get to the know the Adam that flashed hurt and pain, the one he only catches small glimpses of.

“The dog shit incident, I assume.” Otis nods, shock still clear on his face. He lets Otis process this for a second, a frown slowly pulling down his lips.

“Why would he write to you?” It’s a legit question. Eric hadn’t told Otis about the incident with Adam. He hadn’t told anyone yet. He wasn’t telling anyone but Otis right now anyway. Adam couldn’t murder him from military school, but who knows what could happens from this end. He doesn’t like all the undertones Adam gives with his father. “Was he-Did he send something bad? Was this part of a prank?” All things Eric had gone over in his head yesterday.

“He kissed me before he left and kinda sucked me off. We had this crazy moment in biology. I think this letter is legit, but I don’t know what to do. He also threatened me when he finished and it totally ruined the mood.”

The shock is clear on Otis’ face. He looks in complete shock and Eric knows why. He felt the same way. He can basically see the gears turning in Otis’s head as he tries to process this information. “What?” The shock hasn’t let his face and Eric can tell he still hasn’t processed what Eric just said.

“Adam kissed me. Adam sucked me off. Adam wrote me a letter that I’m sure is legit. I want to write back and explore this shit.”

“You want to write back? Are you sure about that? He bullied you for years.” Otis seems shocked by his answer. Eric knows why. Adam had spent years bullying him and shoving him around. He’s taken more money from Eric than Eric could even count. He’s taken so many sandwiches and lunches and happy moments with one glare.

He has also taken a passionate kiss and Eric’s first blow job. He made Eric’s heart pound in class when their pinkies touched. He would steal glances of Eric when he thought he wasn’t looking, pain and sadness in his eyes every time. Eric hadn’t realized that at the moment. He was filled with too much fear of his own to notice the fear that settled in Adam’s eyes. He is sure now that he looks back at all their encounters that there was also fear hiding behind his eyes, even when he was angry and ruthless. There was always fear. Eric wants to know why. He wants to know more.

“I’m not forgiving him or anything. I’m not stupid enough to just fall into the arms of the first asshole who sucks me off. I just want to write back, see where this goes, see if I can even forgive him for everything.”

He nods. This is exactly what he wants to do. He had been on the fence earlier today, but he wants to write back. He wants to explore this. He wants to see if he can move past this. He won’t be stupid enough to give Adam his trust yet, not fulling, but the other can try to build it.

“Okay.” Otis nods, frown tugging down his lips. Eric knows that he is still a bit confused, still trying to figure this whole this out. He seems a little uncomfortable by this whole thing and Eric knows it is the sex talk. He may have the clinic, but that doesn’t mean it makes him any more comfortable talking about sex.

He is saved by the bell though. Eric has to say that he is happy the bell has gone off. The talking had worked, even if Otis hadn’t participated much. It helped him work through the little bit of doubt that he still had.

“I’ll see you after class.”

Otis nods, tentative, and Eric hurries out of the room. He hasn’t gone to his locker yet and he knows that he is going to be late.

\-----------------------------------------

He sits at his desk and stares at the paper. It’s empty and annoying and Eric is starting to get frustrated the words aren’t really coming to him right now. He thinks he needs to take a bit of a break.

He problem is that he pulls his last letter out of the draw as a distraction and decides that he is going to incorporate it into this letter. It had helped him work through his emotions and it seems like a great place to start. He rereads the letter that Adam sent as well as inspiration.

The words come easier and easier as he reads it again. He has so many questions, but he focuses on the basics. He doesn’t want to overwhelm the other. He doesn’t want to scare him off. He doesn’t even sign the letter with this classic with love in fear that it will either scare Adam off or give him the wrong idea.

The second he finishes he hurries out of the house, yelling over his shoulder to let him parents know he is off to post his letter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know the letter was short, but I felt that it was all that needed to be said at this point. They will get longer as they start to exchange letters more. I don't think I'll be doing much more writing from Eric's POV, but we will pop into his head every once and a while. I am working on a oneshot that will be all from his POV right now though so you'll get even more of him if you keep an eye out. It is coming slowly because work has been really tiring lately. I also am trying to focus on this story as I want to keep it on track. 
> 
> Please let me know what you think! I love comments and I love talking to people about this fic. I appreciate everyone that keeps coming back. It is really driving me to continue writing this.


	7. Progress

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I struggled at the beginning of this but once I really dug into Patrick and Adam it all just flowed. I honestly thought I wouldn't have it done in time. I'm just so excited for this and can't wait to write more Eric and Adam now that Eric has replied.

Adam doesn’t know what he was thinking. It’s been two days and the wait is killing him. It has his nerves flaring and his heart aching. The rifle isn’t distracting him like it was. It isn’t doing the job it is supposed to do. He doesn’t want to think about this whole thing. He doesn’t want to think about Eric.

What if he didn’t get the letter? What if the letter was so bad Eric just laughed and tossed it? What if Eric told the whole school about the letter and how pathetic it was? What if the news got back to his father? What the hell had he just done?

“You’re overthinking this whole thing.” Adam doesn’t move when Patrick takes the seat across from him during their study session. He simply leaves his head in his hands as he leans forward, blocking the rest of the world from his view. Why the hell had he done this to himself?

“Leave me the fuck alone,” Adam says into his arms, shifting away from Patrick. He could feel Patrick’s books as he put them down too close to Adam. He doesn’t need school books that close to him.

“He is going to write,” Patrick says, opening the book closest to Adam. He takes this moment to shift enough so he can open one eye to look at the other. Patrick actually looks convinced that Eric would write back to him. He obviously didn’t know their history.

“Yeah, like you did.” The words are dripping with sarcasm and anger. He had spent weeks running to his mailbox, waiting for a letter from Patrick, promised letters.

The shock on Patrick’s face is laughable. He looks genuinely confused and lost by that. “What the fuck are you talking about?” He hates this. He hates reliving his past. He was thinking about the fact that Patrick left him all alone with his father. Patrick didn’t write or keep in touch. Patrick was the reason he didn’t get close to anyone else. He was too scared to be hurt again.

“You fucking promised to write and I didn’t get shit for letters.” Adam is sitting up now, hands on the table in fists. He can feel his whole body heating up with angry and rage. He hates this. He hates Patrick. Patrick being here was probably the worst thing to happen to him other than his dad being a complete ass.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Adam wanted to hit him. He wanted to hit him for all those years of pain. He wanted to - “I sent a letter every week. You’re the asshole who never wrote back.”

It’s Adam’s turn to be shocked. He doesn’t believe Patrick. He doesn’t know why he wouldn’t get his letters. He doesn’t understand until he really thinks about it. He used to think it was weird his father would beat him home most days. He never actually got home early enough to get the mail when he was younger.

“I never got letters.”

Patrick furrows his brows as they make eye contact. It’s the first time Adam has really looked at him since they started here. The other had grown up nicely with a sharp jaw and bright hair. He had deep blue eyes that just draw you in. Adam remembers those when he was younger. He had been fascinated with them. The only thing off is his nose. It is cracked and bent and it looks swollen and discolored in this lighting. He squints for a moment before he finally pulls his gaze away.

“I wrote.”

The words cause an ache in Adam’s chest. It causes nausea to sit in his stomach and suddenly he needs to leave. He needs to get away from this whole thing and process. He does just that too, leaving Patrick behind as he hurries out of the library and down the hall. He goes to bed early that night but doesn’t get much sleep. He can’t help but think about the fact he is sure his father hid those letters.

\-----------------------------

Adam avoids Patrick for a long time. It isn’t really anything new, but this time it is for a completely different reason. He doesn’t know how to talk to the other. He feels like his whole world was just turned upside down. He doesn’t know what those letters would have done, if they would have helped him, if they would have made him less of a bully. He doesn’t want to focus on the what-if’s, but all he can think about is how his father screwed up his life again. It took something as simple as stealing Patrick’s letters for Adam to completely isolate himself from the world.

He tries to get Patrick off his mind by checking his mailbox. It’s empty of anything other than advertisements for some school event coming up. He tosses the paper without even reading it and heads toward the field house so he can practice with his rifle. The walk over is quick and he uses it to convince himself that Eric probably only just got the letter. It had only been three days since Adam sent it.

Adam doesn’t let himself dwell on it much longer as he takes the rifle in hand and starts to throw it around. He is sure their are probably formal names for these moves, but right now he is just calling them front flip and back flip. He’s been working on flipping it under his leg, but that one is a lot harder than it looks.

“You’re getting the hang of it.” Adam turns to see Sargent Matthews in the doorway, hands in his pockets as he leans against the wall. He looks tired and Adam can see a bit of anxiety in his eyes. He doesn’t know why he knows it’s anxiety in Sargent Matthews eyes and he hates that he thinks it is because he saw a similar look in Eric’s eyes every time Adam came down the hall at school. “Have you decided to try out for the team yet?”

Adam hasn’t really thought about it. He has been too preoccupied with first writing a letter and now waiting for a letter to come back. The whole Patrick thing isn’t helping either. Patrick is literally the only person in the school who even tries to talk to him anymore so he can’t really imagine being on a team with other people anyway. He doesn’t get along good with others...clearly.

“We’re having tryouts in two and a half weeks. You have some time to think about it.” The  
Sargent seems to always be able to read Adam. Adam doesn’t know if he likes it or not. He seems intuitive about everything and Adam imagines that is what makes him a good teacher. “It’s a really great stress relief.”

“What makes you think I need stress relief?” The words are biting and cold and stupid. Adam can’t think of a better comeback. He can practically feel the tension in his shoulders from the anxiety of this letter and the stress of this whole move. He still isn’t used to the structure and he hadn’t been sleeping well so he feels like a zombie most of the time. The only time he actually feels attuned to anything is when he is throwing this damn rifle and he hates that Sargent Matthews is right.

“And it can help with anger relief too.” Sargent Matthews puts his hands up in a defensive manner and takes a few steps forward. The reach forward is tentative as he gets closer to Adam. “Can I show you the move you’re working on?” Adam takes a moment before he places the rifle in Sargent Matthews hand.

It’s weird, because Adam can literally see the tension leaving Sargent Matthews’ shoulders. He can see the way he grips the gun, gentle, but firm as he takes a step back, giving himself room to do the trick. Adam watches as he does some front flips and backflips before the rifle is flying under his leg. He catches his perfectly before finishing in the final stance. “I think you need a little more momentum and you need to let it go a little later. You’re releasing it too early.”

Adam nods as he takes the rifle from Sargent Matthews, watching as he seems to coil in on himself. Adam doesn’t focus on it thought as he starts to throw the rifle around, until he finally dares to throw it under his leg. He doesn’t hit his leg this time and barely misses his face as he stumbles back. He obviously misjudged that, but at least getting it above his waist was the first step.

“Just keep practicing that and you’ll get the hang of it. Don’t lean forward when your going to throw it when pick your leg up. And don’t take your eyes off the rifle. I think you have a good chance of making the team if you go for it.”

Sargent Matthews doesn’t stay longer as he makes his way out of the field house. Adam doesn’t stop him as he takes another try. He wonders if Sargent Matthews was being serious about him being a potential team members. He doesn’t think the other would lie to him about his chance. He didn’t seem like the type. He still doesn’t know if he’ll do it, but this is definitely encouraging him to try out. He could definitely use more stress relief.

\-------------------------------

It’s late when Adam leaves that night. There is a bit of chill in the air and he’s thankful for it. It will make morning drills much easier. He would like to go for a short walk around campus, but he knows he’ll get distracted and miss curfew if he starts to walk around campus. It happened once before and Sargent Matthews was thankfully the one who caught him and let him off since it was only his first offense.

He is about to go into the dorm building when he hears grunting. He doesn’t know why it draws his attention, but he ends up turning the other way and heading down the running trail.

The sounds get louder as he gets closer and he swears he hears Patrick talking. He is proven correct when he turns the corner. Patrick is there, but he is on the ground, hand wipping blood from his mouth as he looks up at some guy. It’s the same one that missed Adam’s first few days and consistently misses a day or two at a time.

“Why the hell won’t you just leave me alone? It just gets you in trouble,” Patrick is reasoning and Adam watches as he pushes himself up onto shaking legs. The blood dripping from his lips has a matching bruise and Adam can see another bruise forming on his temple.

“You know why I can’t do that.” The fist the connects with Patricks stomach has Adam lurking forward. He knocks the other off his feet and to the ground, fist connecting with his jaw. The other is quick to kick him off though, hurrying up to his feet. “Come to rescue him,” the other snears and Adam hurries to his feet as well.

The other ducks as Adam tries to make another connection with his face, frown pulling down his lips when a fist comes into contact with his jaw. “Fuck,” he groans, whipping blood from his own lip. He can feel the cut inside his cheek as he readies himself again.

“He isn’t worth it, Adam. Plus, you’ll get in trouble if you fight back. They have zero tolerance for fighting.” The words draw Adam’s attention too long and a fist comes into contact with his stomach. It knocks the wind out of him and he stumbles backwards, landing next to Patrick.

The asshole looks pretty proud of himself as he brushes his hands off. Adam can see the blood dribbling down his chin, but he doesn’t seem phased by it. “That will teach you a lesson, fag,” he spits and Adam lurches forward again, only for Patrick to grab his shoulder and keep him on the ground. Adam tries to get away, but he doesn’t want to hurt Patrick anymore.

He hates the other so much as he turns and walks away from the two of them. He wants to punch him and kick him and scream at him. Adam had been a bully at school, but he had never hit anyone. He had only shoved Eric into his locker and he had always been gentle about it. He had never wanted to hurt the other and surely he would never use that kind of language.

“How long has this been going on?” Adam asks, breaths coming out harshly. He hasn’t been able to relax his fingers, fist held tight as he watches the trail the other had walked down. He still wants to go after him, wants to take him out.

“Adam, take a few breathes.” Patrick turns Adam’s face so they’re facing each other. He takes Adam’s fist and pulls his fingers apart before placing his open hand on his chest. Patrick takes in a few deep breaths and Adam finds that it helps himself take in deep breaths, calming him. He ends up matching Patrick’s breathing before the other drops his hand, but he doesn’t let go. “I told you they’ve been ragging on me since they found out about Franklin. It isn’t really a ‘they’ though. It’s only Stan. They rest of the guys don’t care.”

“That’s why he is never in class?” Adam doesn’t pull his hand away. He likes how it feels in his. He likes the comfort of it. He hasn’t felt this kind of comfort in a long time, not even when he was dating Aimee. “Does he call you that often?”

“It happens. I’m used to it by now.” Patrick brushes it off like it’s nothing, like he’s been going through this for years. Adam realizes that he probably has. Adam doesn’t know how long he’s been here. He doesn’t know how thing this Stan guy had been doing this to him. “His dad basically owns the school so they can’t really expel him. I fought back once and got suspended too. I chose not to fight back now. I can’t afford the trouble.”

Patrick looks sad, like he has accepted that this is just something that is going to happen to him until he graduates. Is that how Eric felt with Adam? Did he just accept that he was going to be bullied every day? That Adam was just going to take his money and lunch? That Adam was just going to pick on him? Fuck, Eric was never going to write back.

“I bully to be him. I mean, I never hit anyone, but I was the bully.” It’s the first time he’s said that out loud. It’s the first time it feels real. It feels good to talk to someone about it. It feels good to get it off his chest. He has missed having someone to talk to. “I would never call anyone...that though.”

“Why did you do it?”

The question shocks Adam. He had never really thought about it before. He had never wanted to think about it before. He just knows it was the only way he could be close to Eric. “To be close to him.”

“Him?”

“It was the only way. I shoved him into lockers and took his lunch money. It was the only way to be close to him with my dad.” He trusts Patrick with this. He trust that he won’t go around and tell anyone. He trusts he won’t jump to conclusions. He trusts him. “My dad never gave me your letters because he knew I liked you. He broke my arm the day you left. I never dared like another guy again after that. I liked Aimee enough, but it just wasn’t the same.”

“He broke your arm?” Patrick tightens his hold on Adam’s hand. Adam can see the sad look in his eyes. He can see the pity there. He doesn’t like it. He doesn’t want people to pity him. He was a bully. He took his hell at home out on other people just because he could. He didn’t deserve pity, he deserved hate.

He decides not to focus on that, instead ignoring the words. “Eric is never going to write me back. I bullied him, kisses him, and fucking left without a word.” He shakes his head as he pushes himself to his feet. He doesn’t want to talk about this anymore. He can’t think about the fact that he is a horrible person. He can’t think about the fact that he basically turned into his father. He wasn’t going to let it keep happening. He was going to fucking keep his head down and just get through this. He was going to move on from Moordale and try to focus on moving forward and being better. “Fuck.”

“We are going to be late for curfew if we don’t leave now. We need to clean up too. You look like hell with blood on your face.” Adam is thankful for the change in topic. He couldn’t talk about this any longer. He didn’t want to think about this any longer. It was a lot to admit to himself in one night.

Adam follows Patrick down the running trail. Patrick helps him clean the blood off his face and the two of them enter the dorms together. Adam makes his way to his bed and curl up, facing the wall. Fuck, this was going to be a crappy night sleep.

\--------------------------------

Adam is running off no sleep and limited patients. He wants to yell at his classmates to leave him alone and just stop trying to include him. The only person he even has a remote interest in is Patrick. He wants to give the other chance. He thinks he needs someone to talk to about everything.

He sure as hell isn't ready to talk today though. He is still processing the fact that he was bullying Eric to get close to him because he was scared of his father finding out. He was scared of his father. He was scared to even be friends with Eric because of his father. He hates himself for being a bully just because of his father. He hates that he didn’t even have a chance with Eric because he let his father get into his head.

“Stop overthinking shit.” Adam frowns as he looks at Patrick. He is sporting a bruise along his jaw and another at his temple. He seems just fine though, like he didn’t just get beaten to hell yesterday. Adam had always remembered him as optimistic but this seems a little out there. He was optimistic even though he had been beaten up and torn down. It reminds Adam of Eric, who was always happy and energetic even with Adam bullying him.

“Stop being so annoying.” It’s a bad comeback and Adam knows it but Patrick is right. He has been overthinking everything since he came here. He blames the down time but it could be anything. It could just be the fact that he is finally out from under his father’s thumb.

“I can’t help it,” he smiles. It warms Adam and he hates that they could fall back into banter so easily once Adam lets them. “Have you checked your mailbox today?”

Adam furrows his brows as he looks at the other. “Why the hell would I do that? Eric isn’t going to write back. I told you that.” It feels weird to say Eric’s name out loud. He is pretty sure last night was the first time he said Eric’s name out loud and he hates that he likes how it sounds. He also likes that he can talk to someone about this and he hates that. He figures he just has to get used to it though.

“I think you should check, Adam.”

Adam rolls his eyes, but something in Patrick’s tone is telling him to do it. He doesn’t know why Patrick is so insistent and he crushes the little bit of hope that bubbles in his chest. He doesn’t want to get his hopes up for something that wasn’t going to happen.

He doesn’t bother saying anything to Patrick as he walks off. The walk to the mailbox is short as he wonders through the halls. He is surprised to see a letter inside and is quick to punch in his code.

The shock hits him tenfold as he reads Eric’s name across the top corner of the envelope. He sucks in a breath as he closes his mailbox with eyes still on the letter. He doesn’t take his eyes off of it as he walks back toward the library and takes his seat across from Patrick.

“Is it something good?” The tone is teasing in Patrick’s words and Adam shoots him a glare, the first time his eyes have left the envelope.

“Shut the fuck it.” Patrick simply laughs as Adam tugs the envelope opened.

_Adam,_

_The letter was a surprise. We’ve never really talked before unless you count when you’ve demanded my lunch money. I think you owe me a lot of money and I expect to be paid in full next time I see you._

_I don’t really know what you want from that letter. I appreciate the honestly though. I just don’t think I’m ready to forgive you just yet. I spent years terrified of you walking down the halls, hearing that awful nickname. I don’t think one kiss, one blowjob can fix years of pain even if I did like when our pinkies touched in science._

_I’m sorry that you’re father shipped you off to military school. The halls feel weird without you and I’m sad to say your father hasn’t said anything about your absence. It seems like he is a real asshole from your letter. I hope one day you can trust me enough to tell me the whole story. I would love to know more about you, about why you’re the way you are._

_Moordale is the same old boring mess. I get to eat my lunch for the first time in a while but it all just feels weird. Otis has reopened the clinic and Maeve seems to be avoiding him but I don’t think you even know who I’m talking about._

_I know this is a short letter but I have a feeling we will have more time to talk. I may not be ready to forgive you, but I think we can start as friends. I have a lot to work through before I can forgive you. I want to keep writing though. I would like to keep writing. I keep thinking about that day too. I haven’t been able to forget. So I think friends is the first step._

_I’m glad you’ve found a friend at school. It is always good to have someone to talk to._

_Eric_

The breath catches in Adam’s throat as he reads the letter again. Eric was going to give him a chance after all of this. He was going to let Adam be his friend and he definitely left it opened for something more. Adam can’t help the smile that spreads across his cheeks, the first genuine one in a long time.

“I assume it was good news,” Patrick smiles. Adam forgot he was even there.

“He wants to be friends.” Adam answers, eyes going back to read the letter again.

“Is that good?”

“It’s more than I deserve.” And more than he could ever ask for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Patrick and Adam have finally had their moment! I was so happy to finally write that and I feel like this chapter was a big step in the right direction for Adam's character. It will open more doors and really help him process his feelings. 
> 
> Please let me know what you think! The comments have really been inspiring and have been helping me keep my momentum going! I also love talking about this story so if you want to message me so we can chat about it, please do.


	8. Doubts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam and Eric both have some doubts about this. Adam ends up getting himself into some trouble.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't sure if I was going to get this done with Easter. I'm so happy I was able to though! I hope you enjoy!

Adam hasn’t gotten far on the second letter. He had no idea what he was going to write back. He knew he wanted to address some of what Eric wrote but after that he wasn’t sure. Should he talk about military school? Should he tell him about Patrick? Should he talk about his dad? Why the hell did he do this to himself?

He feels like he hasn’t gotten anywhere as he stares down at the paper in front of him. He runs his fingers through his newly trimmed hair, and frowns at the feeling. He had to get it cut this morning for school and he missed tugging at the ends and tangling his fingers in his hair. It gave him something to do while he tried to wrack his brain for something to write.

“Just write what you feel,” Patrick says and Adam glares at the other, wishing he would leave him alone for a while. The other had been by his side constantly since their moment after the fight. He was getting real sick of it.

“Just because I took a punch for you, does not mean we are friends.” He has taken many punches in his life. This didn’t change anything. This didn’t magically make them friends. He had just been doing the right thing when he noticed the other getting beat to a pulp. They may not be friends but he wasn’t going to let the other get beat up.

“I think it does.” Adam rolls his eyes at the other, hands rubbing at his cheeks. It causes a sting to shoot through his lip and jaw from the punch he took for the other. “Plus, I know you like my company.”

“I don’t but you keep telling yourself that.”

“But you do.”

Adam sighs because he knows he isn’t going to win this. Patrick could go on for ages and Adam really wanted to just write this letter. He had already spent the last few days trying to come up with the right words and today was no different. The only difference was the fact he was going to write it today. He didn’t want to leave Eric hanging, thinking this was some joke or something. Adam wanted to write him back.

“Just write about how much you like him. Then maybe you can get out of the friend zone.”

“That isn’t how it works.” Patrick didn’t know their whole history. Adam had spoke a little about the bullying when he was at an emotional low, but Patrick didn’t know that he did that for years, teasing the other and taking his money. He didn’t know that Adam blew him and hopped ship the next day. He didn’t know Adam spent the last few weeks before the move trying to get a girlfriend he didn’t love back because he was too scared and confused by his own feelings for Eric. “I treated him like shit.”

“Tell him that. Let him know that you realize how crappy of a person you are. Then tell him about your wonderful new friend.”

“We aren’t friends.”

“Whatever you say.” Adam sighs and looks down at the paper in front of him. He didn’t know if he liked Patrick’s advice. He didn’t really want to think about the pain he inflicted on the other. He didn’t want to relive that. The thing is that he deserved to relive that. He was an asshole and he needed to remember how much crap he gave Eric so he never did it again. He didn’t want to end up like his father and he needed to really own up to his actions.

_Eric,_

_Military school is shit but I don’t know if it’s as shitty as Moordale. Being the headmaster’s son was shit. It isn’t as bad here. I mostly hang out alone and people leave me alone. Patrick is the only asshole who won’t just leave me be._

_I know the letter must have been a surprise. I’m glad that you wrote back though. I don’t deserve the second chance. I treated you like shit and I have a lot to make up for. I will pay you back. I’m just not sure when I will be able too. Friends is more than I could have asked for._

_I’m thinking of joining a team. I don’t know if I would get along with my teammates but I like the sport enough. The tryouts are next weekend. I don’t know how I would do but I might. It helps keep my mind from wandering too much. I think about you often. I also think about my dad often so the distraction is welcome then. I need it then. I don’t know yet though._

_It seems like there is just the same drama at Moordale. I wonder what the rumors are going around about me. I can’t even imagine._

_The classes here are just as boring and there is no drama. It’s only this one rich kid. They won’t expel him because his parents give the school money and it’s fucking stupid._

_I get my phone on the weekends. I know it is a lot to ask but my number is xxx-xxx-xxxx. No worries if you don’t call._

_Adam_

“Fuck. You suck at writing.” Adam snaps his eyes up to look at the other, narrowing them when he notices Patrick looking over the letter. He is quick to fold it over, pulling the letter close to himself.

“What the fuck, asshole?” Patrick doesn’t seem fazed by the anger seeping from him, fingers clenching into fists on the table. This was a private letter and he had no right to read it.

“Don’t worry. It was too tragic to read past the first paragraph. I’m not an asshole either.” Adam wants to strangle the other but he has to take a second to get himself in check. He can’t just go around punching people. That wasn’t who he wants to be. “I can help you write the next one, make it a little more...eloquent.”

Adam believes that the other didn’t read the whole thing. He would probably be pushing this whole helping thing a little more. Adam knows he is a shit writer. The words come out choppy and wrong but that is just how he writes. Eric didn’t seem to mind last time. “I don’t know.” Because it sounds nice to have some help. Maybe it will help with the whole Eric of it all. Adam isn’t sure what he wants from the other but he thinks it is more than friendship. That is a thought for another time though.

“Well, I’m around if you want help.”

Adam glances at the other as Patrick gets up, pushing the chair in. He knows the other is heading out for a walk around campus. He does so every night and it has lead to Stan attacking him on more than one occasion. He won’t stop though and Adam knows he can’t win that battle.

“Fucking asshole,” Adam mumbles, unfolding the letter and reading it over again. He frowns at the words. He doesn’t like how the whole thing fits together and flows. It sounds messy and choppy and he suddenly wishes Patrick would help him write something a little nicer, easier to understand. It’s too late now though. It was written and done. It was going in the mail before he started to freak out again.

Adam folds the letter back up and tucks it into the envelope. It already has a stamp on it, Eric name written in the middle. He has to put it in the mailbox now before he changes his mind and puts it off even longer.

The walk to the mailbox is long and he gets interrupted by Sargent Matthews about his class. He simply nods and is quick to dismiss the other as he makes his way toward the mailbox. He has to swallow his nerves as he drops it in, hoping that the other doesn’t decide to ignore him. He figures Eric can change his mind at any time so he doesn’t want to get his hopes up.

\-------------------------

Eric starts to freak out the next day. What the hell had he been thinking? He just sent a letter to his bully saying that he’d like to start as friends. He wants to start as friends. That implied he wants something else in the future. He shouldn’t want something else with his bully. Adam was his bully. But Adam was also gentle and insecure and nervous and kind and sad in those little moments, those moments he used to try so hard to hind, the moments Adam seemed to finally be embracing now that he was away.

The fact that days later another letters hasn’t shown up has Eric doubting everything. He gave Adam another chance and now he is pretty sure it is a prank. It couldn’t take this long for a letter to reach the other. He couldn’t be that far away. All Adam had to do was write something back. Eric didn’t need much. He knew Adam wasn’t going to give him much and he was fine with that. He just wanted something now that he’s decided to give Adam a second chance (third chance? Fourth? He’s not sure).

“Are you alright? You’ve been a little out of it.” The words startle Eric and he almost falls off his bike. The two of them are going to school and Eric had totally lost his train of thought.

“I shouldn’t have written Adam back.” The words slip out of his mouth without another thought. It’s the first time he’s said them out loud and he hates the doubts sitting in his stomach. He hates that he is scared this whole thing was just a joke and Adam is laughing with his new military friend about this whole thing. “It’s been a week and I haven’t gotten anything. What if this is a joke?”

The two of them have paused on their bikes so they can talk further. Otis is contemplating something, gears turning in his head as he nods. He looks a bit lost and Eric appreciates that he didn’t freaking out about this whole thing. He hasn’t judged either. There has been a lot of shock, but no judgement. It makes him appreciate his friend even more.

“Why did you send the letter to him in the first place?” Otis is a lot calmer talking about Adam this time around. The original shock seems to have worn off at this point. Eric can tell he still isn’t quite there yet, but that is because Eric doesn’t bring it up much. The doubts are something he has wanted to keep to himself, but he could only bottle it up just so much.

Eric takes a moment to think on that, eyes shifting up but not seeing anything as he tries to process the words. This questions is hard to answer. He still isn’t sure why he sent the letter. He isn’t sure why he wants to give Adam another chance. He just knows that he does. It’s a gut feelings. It’s a feeling that has been there for a long time, but it had always been hidden by the nervousness that he felt whenever he saw the other. The anxiety of Eric seeing Adam has faded enough for him to see this, to see that he has always wanted to get to know the other.

They’re the same. Eric had told him just that when he got shit faced at Aimee’s party. It was one of the few things he even remembered from that night. The two of them felt right in a way that Eric didn’t realize until that day in the music room. It felt right when Adam shifted closer in biology and touched their pinkies. He hates that it felt so right.

“I wanted to give him another chance. It’s just-” Eric pauses as he tries to find the right words. He isn’t normally one to be at a loss for words, but his thoughts are going crazy and he is having trouble putting these feelings into words. “-It felt right when he kissed me. I hated that it felt right after all those years of bullying, but it did.”

Otis has his brows furrowed, nodding in order to encourage Eric to keep going. Eric takes another moment to form the words. “I just think he needs the chance to explain himself. He needs the chance to make up for what he did. The letter seemed genuine.”

“And if he doesn’t send another?” The question is legit. Adam may not send another one, but Eric can’t let this be the end of the world. He can’t let this one thing get to him. There are plenty of other fish in the sea or whatever, even if there lacks gay fish at Moordale. There would be someone else eventually.

“I’d get over it,” he shrugs, because he would. He hates that he is this torn up about his bully to begin with. He hates that Adam has gotten to him like this. It’s ridiculous and annoying and frustrating and he wants to kiss the other again so badly. He wants to see if that spark is still their. He wants to see if this thing could work.

He also needs to make sure Adam is serious about this thing and starting as friends was the first step. The next letter, if Eric got one, would tell him if Adam was serious about this whole thing. If Adam accepted they were friends, that was definitely a sign that he was growing.

“I’m not going to let him ruin my year by being an asshole when he isn’t even here.” Otis seems satisfied with the answer and Eric thinks this was a productive conversation, even if he did most of the talking. It was nice to have someone who was unbiased (or at least didn’t show his bias) to talk to about this. Eric had been able to sort out some of his feelings during this conversation and it was already help ease his worry.

He doesn’t have to work as hard during school that day to forget about Adam. He accepts that this whole thing will happen in it’s own time. The letters may or may not come, but he would move on if they didn’t.

The doubt is all for nothing though. There is a new letter waiting for him when he gets home and he is quick to rip it opened. It is longer than the last one and it’s clear that Adam read his own letter closely as he answers to some of the things that Eric wrote in his.

Eric can’t help the smile on his lips as he leans back in his bed and reads the letter again. It doesn’t take him long to write out another letter to the other that he sends off the next day. He doesn’t care if it seems desperate. It doesn’t matter to him. He just cares that Adam wrote back. He definitely cares too much

\---------------------------------

Adam takes to walking the campus at night. It helps calm his thoughts and he finds that the riffle just isn’t cutting it anymore. He needs the distraction as he waits for a reply. The last letter had arrived so quickly that he’s starting to get anxious waiting for this one. It’s been nearly a week but the post can be unpredictable at times. That didn’t mean Eric had changed his mind and decided to stop writing to him.

The walk is quiet until it’s not. The sounds are the same as the other night. The only difference is that he can hear the punch clear as day in the quiet night air. It has a frown pulling down his lips as he follows the sound.

The two of them are standing just outside the woods, in full view for anyone to walk up and see them. The sun is gone, but the lights around campus are bright and clear. They make it easy for the Sargents to see at night and Adam recons this is one of the reasons why. It’s probably why they’re also advised not to wander into the woods at night. The Sargents can’t keep such a close eye on them then.

Adam hesitates to interfere this time. Patrick had been pretty clear about fighting last time this happened and Adam didn’t want to get into trouble. He wanted to keep his head down and just cruise by during his time here, however long that was.

The thing is that Stan doesn’t let him get up. He doesn’t let him get his bearings. He doesn’t let him have a far fight. The foot that connects with Patrick’s stomach for the second time has Adam running forward and shoving the other to the ground. “He’s fucking down, asshole.”

Adam hates that he wants to defend Patrick. He wants to make sure the other is okay. It met that he was starting to have feelings for the other. They’re were warm feelings of friendship that he hasn’t had a while, not since Patrick left. He hadn’t planned on having those feelings again any time soon. It just didn’t fit into his life.

The other doesn’t reply as he jumps back up and takes a swing at Adam. He doesn’t get out of the way in time and the fist connects with his chin, teeth catching cheek as he tastes blood in his mouth. It only fuels Adam though as he throw another punch and connects it with Stan’s face. The other barely reacts as he connects a fist with Adam’s head. The sting of the shot has Adam stumbling back as the whole area spins in front of him. The strength and technique behind that punch had been real. It was making Adam regret his decision.

“Adam, stop.” The words are from Patrick and Adam has a hard time putting them together. He has a hard time putting Patrick’s face together. It’s spinning in front of his eyes and he hates that. The words doesn’t sit with him as he lunges forward, arms wide as he knocks the other to the ground. It’s petty and stupid and he rolls around with the other as they try to fight for dominance in this situation. He loses track of what’s happening when his head slams into the ground again.

The world is spinning when Stan is pulled off of him. There is a dull pain in his head now and he has to take a second before even pushing himself to an upright position. The fight had escalated much faster than he thought and Stan was more aggressive than he thought it would be. It’s obvious Stan had learned how to fight at some point. Adam had simply learned how to punch from taking them for so long.

“Are you alright?” There is a hand on his shoulder and he shakes it off. He doesn’t like the touch. He doesn’t welcome the physical contact. The only person he wants touching him in Eric and he wishes he was here right now to help patch him up. On the other hand, he doesn’t want Eric to think he is weak or anything. He doesn’t think Eric would mind though, not after all those years of bullying.

“I’m fucking fine,” he mumbles, hands going to his head. There is blood dripping from his lip and he can feel some on his forehead as well. He doesn’t even know when it hit the ground. “Leave me alone.”

“I’m sending you to the hospital wing and then you’ll be reporting to my office when you have the go ahead. We have a lot to discuss.” Adam hadn’t even noticed Sargent Matthews until now. The other was giving Stan a push toward what Adam assumed was the direction of his office as he looked at Adam. “I expect you the second the doctor gives the go ahead. There will be a punishment for the shit you just pulled.” He doesn’t let Adam defend himself before he is off to lecture Stan.

“What the hell were you thinking? I told you that you get seriously punished for this shit. They don’t tolerate fighting.” Adam can’t really process the words though. The trees in front of him are blurry and he can’t decided if there is one or two Patricks in front of him. This was definitely not a good sign. He hasn’t had a concussion in years, but he knows the sighs. He had plenty of them as a kid

“Just shut the fuck up,” he snaps, hands moving to push himself up off the ground. Patrick’s hand is suddenly there, under his arm as he tries to help him off the ground. “Don’t. Just fucking leave me alone. I know how to pick myself back up.” He has done this many time in his life without anyone’s help. He never went to a doctor for this kind of shit either. He just cleaned himself up and went on his way.

“I’ll walk you to the doctor,” Patrick offers. He takes his hand away at Adam’s words, but Adam can tell he is fidgeting to help, even with his own vision blurry from a concussion. He wants to deny the other, but he doesn’t actually remember where the hospital wing was. That had been on his tour, but he had assumed he would never need to go. He should have known better though.

The journey to his feet is longer than he would like to admit and he nearly falls off balance when he is finally up. The tree comes in handy as he regains his balance and starts toward the buildings. “I don’t know where it is.” It’s an invitation for Patrick to lead the way.

The problem with having the other there isthat Adam has a sudden desire to reach out and hold onto his arm as he stumbles along the trail, trying to keep up with the other. This is the first time someone has checked on him to see if he was okay. This is the first time someone has cared enough to help him up. The people that are supposed to care about him have always knocked him down. This was different and new and he didn’t really want to think about it.

When they get into the hallway Adam can use the walls, finger dragging along the drywall as he follows after Patrick. The halls are quiet because most of the guys are already in their bunks, ready to head off to bed. Adam realizes it will probably be a late night for him, but it is something he is used to. He spends most night with to many thoughts running around his head to get much sleep. This will be no difference.

“You didn’t have to do that for me.” The words break the silence between them and Adam had to blink to focus on the face looking over Patrick’s shoulder. This is a whole new world for him. He used to be the bully and now he was being thanked for helping Patrick with the bully in school. It was not how he expected this situation to go.

“You don’t deserve it,” Adam mumbles. “He shouldn’t be picking on you because you’re gay. It’s stupid.” He appreciates the fact the other doesn’t say anything else. He simply shoots Adam a blurry smile and heads toward the hospital wing.

Patrick is nice enough to wait outside when they arrive and Adam is ushered in. The blood is cleaned up first and Adam winces when the nurse presses the cut on his forehead. “I think you’ll need stitches,” he announces loud enough for Patrick to hear on the other side of the curtain. It isn’t the first time and Adam doesn’t even flinch when the needle touches skin. He can hear Patrick pacing on the other side though and he frowns at the other. He was worrying about nothing. The nurse had run all his tests and the doctor had come in for one final things. It was quick and easy after the stitches.

“He has a concussion so we are going to keep him overnight and observe him. We can give you a pass to visit him in the morning, but you have to head back now. It’s nearly lights out.”

Adam doesn’t bother to listen to Patrick as he leans back into the hospital style bed. He lets out a sigh, thankful for the pain killer he was given before the stitches. It has his muscles relaxing and his eyes closing. The only problem is that the nurse seems to think sleeping is a problem.

“I’m sorry, but I’ll have to wake you up every hour. We want to make sure that you’re fine.”

Well, fuck his life. That sounded like shit. He just wanted to sleep forever right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is officially the longest story I have ever written. I can't believe I have kept it up so long and have no intention of ending it any time soon. 
> 
> I really wanted Adam to get into trouble so he would learn his lesson so this chapter was kind of spur of the moment at the end. I think it will add to Adam's turmoil about the letters. Of course, you don't know how he will be punished yet so stay tuned for a punishment and another letter from Eric in the next chapter. Let me know what you think! The comments drive me. I love hearing your thoughts about the fic and the characters!


	9. The Punishment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam hears his punishment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I din't get a chapter out last week. Life drained all my motivation to write. I'm posting a day early this week to try and at least make up for it a little. I am going away soon so chapters will slow down a bit for the next month or so. I will be working hard to keep getting chapters out as fast as possible, but I can't make any promises on consist updates after next week. I love this story though so I will work on it as much as I can in any free time I get. That is part of the wonder of being able to write on your phone. I hope you enjoy this chapter!

Adam has to stay in the medical wing for two days. It’s boring as hell and he isn’t allowed to do much other than sleep now that the critical period has ended. It leaves him bored out of his mind and thinking of the letter he is hoping is in him mailbox. The problem is that he just keeps getting annoyed at himself for thinking about Eric so much. This wasn’t even a thing yet. He had to stop thinking about the other so much. He didn’t even know if it was going to happen.

The only reprieve he gets is when Patrick comes to visits him which is annoying and distracting and appreciated. Adam has no intention of letting the other knows he appreciates the company and distraction. The nurse is mostly with other students who are sick and the doctor doesn’t show her face much. She seems to be out more often than not but Adam could care less. He just knows that it leaves him with long days. He can’t watch tv because of the concussion. He can’t even read without getting dizzy.

“Sargent Matthews is mad as hell. I heard Stan got suspended for two weeks. You’re definitely going to get it.” Patrick has invited himself into the room, leaning back in the free chair with his feet up on Adam’s bed. He is munching on the chips he brought for Adam. He looks completely at ease with Adam. Adam doesn’t know how to reach to him.

He doesn’t know how to be comfortable with another person. He never relaxed when he was home, always sensitive to the fact his father could find him at any time. The moment with Eric had been the first one that he was almost completely comfortable since Patrick left. He hadn’t actually let his guard down fully. He remembers worrying in the back of his mind about his father walking in. It scared the living hell out of him. But Eric has been receptive and soft and warm and he slipped away for a moment as they kissed.

He doesn’t feel more comfortable than ever before here. It isn’t that complete comfort that Patrick is obviously feeling. It isn’t that complete comfort you feel with people you trust. He thinks he can get close to that with Patrick but really only sees himself being completely comfortable with Eric. Eric is the only person who has ever really seen him. He is the only person Adam has let see him completely. The only person Adam thinks he will ever be able to be himself around.

“I can’t wait to see what your punishment is. When are you coming back anyway?”

“I can join class tomorrow but no drills for the rest of the week. Sargent Matthews already told me I was meeting him tomorrow.” Adam was a bit nervous about Sargent Matthews telling his father about this whole incident. He can’t imagine how is father would react to this whole thing. The concussion would probably seem like a cake walk compared to his father’s brutal words.

“You need help catching up on work?” Adam is pretty sure Patrick has never seen him do homework before. Adam doesn’t do classwork either so there was no way he was doing the work unless he was forced too.

“Fuck no.” Adam leans back in his hospital bed, glancing at the other. He has finished off the chips and is looking ready to settle in for the remainder of their free time. “Now leave me the hell alone. You’re annoying as fuck.”

Patrick simply laughs as he gets up. Adam can tell his side is aching by the way he shifts and sucks in a breath. He had visited the hospital wing the next day after a crappy night sleep, which he told Adam through the curtain. They said he was fine and it was just some bruising. He still looked like it hurt though and Adam realized that he probably wasn’t used to this shit. He probably didn’t get hit a kid. He probably didn’t get hurt all the time. Adam’s life wasn’t normal. The whole thing with his father wasn’t how families are supposed to act. Adam knew that but he could never leave.

“I have work to do anyway,” Patrick waves as he heads out the door, smile still on his lips. Adam shakes his head as he leans back again and gets comfortable. The lights are starting to bother him and he flips them off, closing his eyes. He see Eric smiling at him, bright and warm and it’s the best night sleep of his life.

\---------------------------------------------

Adam takes in a deep breath as he stands in front of Sargent Matthews office. It brings back flashes of his father. The way his father used to yell and degrade him. The way he used to make him sit in his office as he threw harsh words at his child. The way he used to make him wait in anticipation outside of his office constantly because Adam was constantly in trouble even for things he didn’t do. It was always his fault one way or another.

He has to shake the thoughts from his mind as he raises his hand to knock on the door. The next second is tense as he waits for the reply. It’s comes quicker than he is used to. It leaves with less time for his own anxiety to build.

“Come in.” Adam takes one last deep breath as he pushes the door open. He has his eyes downcast, shoulders slouched. He is trying to look as small as possible. The office is bigger than his father’s and it takes a few moments until he can see the other’s desk in front of him.

The pounding of his heart is strumming in his ears. He has to fold his hands in front of himself to stop them from shaking. It is pathetic how his emotions are flying right now. The memories of the hours spent in his father’s office are haunting. He can hear his father’s voice already as he waits on his newest punishment.

“Sit down, Cadet.” Adam’s eyes snap up and they meet the blue of his sergeant. The other has what Adam can only describe as kind eyes. It’s a whole new situation for him. He is used to cold hard eyes looking at him. It’s always been a constant in his life. This throws him off a bit. It has his anxiety spiking and he suddenly wants to run away. He is waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Sergeant Matthews seems to notice something is off and stands from his seat. Adam watches him circle the desk and suddenly there is a heavy hand on his shoulder. He tenses at the touch because it usually leads to something more. It doesn’t this time though. The touch is soft and comforting and it throws Adam off. It is unusual for him to be touched in a gentle way. Aimee didn’t touch him much. They had sex and sometimes held hands but that was it. There wasn’t a lot of comforting touches. There relationship was mainly sexual. Eric had been gentle but Adam hadn’t let the other touch him much. There were hands on his shoulders, gripping in a way that just caused desire to poll on his stomach.

Sergeant Matthews leads him to the chair and Adam follows blindly. “Take a deep breath.” Adam does as he is instructed and sucks in some air. “I know Stan started it. You’re not in nearly as much trouble as him.”

Adam laughs. The sound is abrupt and doesn’t fit but it leaves his lips. He isn’t worried about his punishment. He is used to that and so much more. The fact that Sergeant Matthews isn’t telling him how much of a failure he is why he is like this. The fact he isn’t tightening his grip on Adam’s shoulder and leaving marks behind. It’s overwhelming and Adam still doesn’t know how he feels about it.

“Deep breath,” Sergeant Matthews reminds. They take a moment in silence as Adam does just that. It feels like ages before the other takes his hand away, but not without a gentle squeeze, one that is reassuring and not threatening. “How’s the head?” The topic is changed and Adam is thankful. It takes his mind off this whole thing.

“Fine.” He answers. There is a little wobble in his voice. He has to take a moment to compose himself. He tightens the fists on his lap and seals his emotions back up. “It isn’t anything I can’t handle.” Apparently he can’t handle the kind gestures from his Sergeant. He can handle a beating though. It is sad as fuck. He hates himself for it.

“Are you cleared for drills yet?”

Adam is ready for his punishment. He doesn’t like this small talk. The doctor is sure to have updated Sergeant Matthews about his concussion. “No,” he answers because he isn’t going to stick his nose up and talk back to the other. He was smart enough not to get himself into more trouble. He didn’t need Sergeant Matthews to call his father. He would never hear the end of it. “Not till Monday.”

Sergeant Matthews hums and sits back in his seat. There are papers scattered across the top and Adam realizes that he was grading their tests from the other day. Adam hopes he hasn’t gotten to his yet. It probably won’t help his situation. “Until then, you’ll be making up your school work and no phone this weekend or next.”

Adam doesn’t normally care about his punishment. Nothing can beat his father’s words or his father’s hand. The phone was close though. He had finally taken the leap and given Eric his phone number. There was a chance Eric was going to text or even call him this weekend. That chance was just shattered because Adam was a fucking idiot.

“What the fuck?”

“And no visits next weekend. Actually, no going home. That was the weekend away. You’ll be staying on campus.”

That doesn’t bother him. He doesn’t need to go home and see his asshole of a father. He doesn’t need to see his mother, who stood there as Adam’s father sent him away. He doesn’t want to ever go back home. It’s a weird thought because it makes it feel like military school isn’t a punishment but another chance.

The only problem is that Eric is at home. He doesn’t know if he would see him. He probably won’t see him this time around anyway. Adam doesn’t know if he can face Eric. It was one thing to write someone letters but looking into Eric’s eyes was a whole other story. Adam had treated him terrible and he doesn’t even know how to act around Eric. He doesn’t really know where they stand. Eric said friends but Adam didn’t know how to do friends.

He does feel the need to defend himself though. “He started it.” It’s the only thing he can come up with right now because the punishment was fair and easy. He had spent years with his father’s watchful eye and scolding voice. This was nothing. The phone sucked but he still had letters. He could simply explain this to Eric. Eric would understand. Adam had been defending someone. He hadn’t started it.

The problem was that Eric may not see it that way. Eric was on the other end of Adam’s bullying. He may not see this whole situation the same as Adam did. He wasn’t there to see what happened. Adam was just a bully who got in trouble all the time. It might push Eric away. Adam was trying to be better. He wanted to be better for Eric. This was not how he did that. It was violence even if he was defining himself. Adam couldn’t do that anymore if Eric was going to be in his life. He might not be telling Eric about this whole hitting thing but he could still write to him, explain that he got in trouble and lost his phone.

“And he is suspended for two weeks. The next time you’ll get suspended too even if he started it.” Adam is happy he seems to have gotten out easy. He does not think Sergeant Matthews told his father so that in itself is getting out easy. He would be screwed if his father found out about this. There was no way that would be a good situation for him. “Dismissed.”

The words are final and Adam knows he’ll get into more trouble if he keeps going. He nods his head at the other and turns to walk out the door. He has his hand on the knob when Sergeant Matthews adds, “And I expect to see you this weekend at tryouts.”

Adam furrows his brows as the words, but decides not to reply. He simply pulls the door opened and walks out. He can’t decide if that was an order or not but he figures there is no way the other can make him go to tryouts. That was definitely not a thing.

“What the hell happened?” Patrick is standing there, like he always is. It’s the usual distraction from his thoughts.

“He took my phone and visitation privileges away,” Adam shrugs.

“At least you guys can still write.” Adam hums in reply and the two make their way to the lunch room. Adam hasn’t had a proper meal in ages and his stomach is aching for some food. He doesn’t even care that Patrick is jabbering on about Franklin and catching Adam up on the last five years. He just tunes the other out as they go down the line for food.

Adam checks his mailbox when lunch is nearly over. There is nothing there.

\--------------------------------------

Adam checks his mailbox a few days later for a letter. It’s been ages since he mailed his own out and he can’t imagine it would take this long to receive a letter in return. He had just assumed Eric hadn’t written back, he had changed his mind. There was still hope though and Adam decided to check one last time.

It leads to a letter in his hands. It’s wrinkled and has a footprint on it. There is ink smeared across the side, water making it run across the envelope. It seems like it fell in the truck and got lost somewhere. The envelope says it was mailed nearly six days ago, which is too long for a letter to get from Eric to Adam. They weren’t that far apart.

He waits until he finds a quiet seat in the library before he rips it open. It is smudged and wrinkled, but Adam can make out the words written across the pages.

_Adam,_

_What is it even like at military school? You clearly don’t like it, but what don’t you lie about it? Why is it shitty? It seems like it’s not as bad as Moordale because the headmaster isn’t there. I always thought you were treated differently...more harshly because you were his son. It wasn’t fair. It seems to have alienated you as well. I’m happy that this Patrick is bothering you. I think everyone needs a friend to talk to. I know I appreciate Otis...most of the time._

_The letters were a surprise. I wasn’t sure what to do at first. I wasn’t going to write you back. I was going to just leave it. I actually wrote a letter to you just after you left and never sent it. It was to help get closure after what happened. I have gotten closure though, but I think it is opening up something else. I don’t know what though. I just know that I wanted to give you another chance despite all those years of bullying. I felt that away from Moordale, it would help._

_I think a team would be great! I’ve always wanted to join one, but I’m not much of an athlete. I apparently am not much of a french horn player (I play the french horn and not the trombone for your information) so the band seems to be out as well. If you end up joining, let me know when you play. I’ll see if I can come by to see._

_The whole class just thinks your father finally got the balls to expell you and send you off to boarding school so he didn’t have to deal with you. I guess it is half true. It doesn’t matter what they think though, because you don’t actually go here anymore. Why does it matter what anyone thinks anyway? People are fucking stupid with their asshole opinions and shit._

_I want to know more about the drama at military school. Who is this kid? Why does he get special treatment? What the hell does he do that should get him expelled? I want to know more. You can’t just leave me hanging like that._

_That is definitely something you can tell me over the phone._

_Eric_

Adam sucks in a breath as he reads over the last line. Eric basically just admitted that he would call him. There was a good chance he could talk to Eric soon. The only problem was that he lost his phone privileges. Eric was probably trying to call him now. He probably thought Adam had changed his mind, played a trick on him because this letter had come so late.

There wasn’t even a chance Eric would get this letter in time to explain this whole situation by the end of the weekend. Patrick had a phone, but Adam didn’t know Eric’s phone number. He had no way of getting in touch with the other. He was such a fucking idiot. Patrick wasn’t even here anyway. The other had gone home for the weekend to visit his family and boyfriend. He had seemed excited. It was a weird thought because Adam had never been excited to see his family.

There was still a chance though. Adam could write a letter and explain the situation. Eric may understand, give him another chance. The thing is that this was another chance. Adam had already screwed up time and time again. This would only add fuel to the fire. It could lead to Eric cutting him off for good and forgetting about him.

Adam was going to try though. He was going to sit down and write this fucking letter because he needed to explain himself. He couldn’t leave Eric hanging like this again. Eric had watched him go after their moment and Adam had left him hanging. He wasn’t going to do that again. He would give Erir at least some closure. It was the least he could do.

There was still the chance he would write back though. Eric could write him a letter and surprise him. Eric could visit him. The other had said that he would try to come and see Adam if he joined the team. Adam didn’t really know how the whole thing worked. He didn’t know if they played people. He didn’t know if they had shows. He just knows that Eric might try to come and watch him. If there was a chance, he was going to the tryouts.

The only problem is that the tryouts are basically right now. He had been on the edge for the last few days, since his conversation with Sergeant Matthews. It sounded like a good experience. He liked throwing the riffle around. It worked for him. He didn’t like people though. He didn’t like the idea of a team. He thinks he can suck it up though.

He is out the door and nearly to the field house when he realizes how pathetic this is. He was literally going to try out just because of Eric. That wasn’t a reason to do this. He should do this because he wants to do it. This wasn’t how you go about things.

The thing is that he didn’t care right now. It was pathetic that he was doing this for some guy who friendzoned him, but he was going to do it. Eric didn’t even give him a definite. He had said he would try. That didn’t mean anything, especially since Adam had lost his phone today. Eric was probably calling and worried. He was probably regretting ever writing to Adam.

But Adam had to stop worring about this whole thing. He was spending too much time thinking about Eric. Eric was a friend. He was nothing more. He shouldn’t be focusing on a friend this much. It was weird and Adam shouldn’t get his hopes up.

“Adam, it’s great to see you. Grab a riffle and join the line.”

Adam takes in a deep breath and does what he is told. The second he throws the riffle for the first time he realizes that he has done his for himself. Yes, Eric gave him the push he needed, but this was what he wanted to do. He could get used to the whole team thing. He could get used to being around so many people. He just liked the way the riffle flew from his fingers so easily.

He is one of the last ones standing when he realizes why he likes this so much.

It is one of the only things he feels like he is good at. It is the only thing his father hasn’t been able to ruin for him. It is the only thing his father hasn’t called him a failure in yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the chapter! Let me know what you think :)


	10. Hard to Forget

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam doesn't answer his phone. It hurt more than Eric thought it would.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I"m sorry this took so long to update. I've been very busy and I was traveling for a few weeks on top of that. I hope this chapter makes up for that.

Adam doesn’t look at the list. He hates that he is nervous about making the team. He hadn't even been sure he wanted to do it a few days ago. The whole tryouts had gone better than expected. It wasn’t much partner work and the parts that required another person were easy for the tryouts.

 

It had taken his mind off Eric. It had taken his mind off his phone. It had taken his mind off the headache that he hasn’t been able to shake since he hit his head. It takes his mind off the fact that his punishment was actually a good thing in that he didn’t feel like he had to go home. It took his mind off the fact that he might actually like his hell hole.

 

“Why won’t you look?” Patrick whines. Adam rolls his eyes at the other, hands in his pockets. It had been a quiet weekend without Patrick, but he had made up for it the second he stepped back onto campus. It was obvious the other had a great time at home visiting his family and friends. He wouldn’t shut up about his weekend full of plans and the romantic date Franklin had planned for them. Adam had simply tuned him out and nodded every once and a while so the other at least thought he was listening.

 

Adam had been thinking about Eric though. Patrick had prattled on about Franklin and it made Adam think about Eric. It made him think about the fact he wanted to see the other. It made him think about the fact he wanted to take the other on a date. He hadn’t been able to go home this time, but maybe he could take Eric out the next time he was home. That was if Eric forgave him for the whole phone thing. Adam had sent his letter out Saturday night and hoped Eric would understand why he didn’t pick up when the other called.

 

“Adam, are you listening to me?” Patrick was probably getting wise to Adam’s nodding thing. “You made the team, asshole.” Adam does a doubt take when the other tells him the news. He hadn’t even realized the other had looked. He hadn’t even realized they were in the hall where the team was posted. They must have walked past it while on their way to their next class.

 

“What?” He doesn’t wait for Patrick to answer. He simply turns back around and finds the list plastered on the wall. He reaches a finger out and runs it down the page until he sees his own name written across the page.

 

There is a sense of accomplishment that settles in his stomach. It’s a new feeling for him. He is so used to trying and failing. He is so used to people telling him how stupid he is. This was something completely new and warm. It was something he could get used to.

 

“I told ya! I’m proud of you for going out for the team, man,” Patrick pats him on the shoulder, a smile on his lips and Adam sucks in a breath. There is a flash of his father with his stern face and his painful grip, but it fades into the bright smile on Patrick’s face. Adam isn’t used to being complimented. He isn’t used to people being proud of him. There isn’t a moment in his life that he can ever remember hearing those words.

 

He has to shake it off though. He can’t let Patick know how much those words have affected him. “Shut up,” Adam smiles, giving the other a shove as they continue down the hall. Patrick is laughing as he catches up, hand moving to rest on Adam’s shoulder. It’s friendly and warm. Adam hates how much he has grown to like Patrick these last few weeks. It feels like they are going back in time and continuing their friendship where it left off.

 

“I want to be there that first time you have a show or whatever so I can watch you fuck up and drop your rifle.” The words aren't said in a menacing way. They are teasing and sarcastic and Patrick has a big smile. They still hurt though, cause a little jab through his heart. It is too close to home. It is too close to the sound of his father’s voice telling him that he is a failure.

 

“You’re an asshole.” The words are tight and Patrick definitely notices. He furrows his brows as he pulls his hand away, frown pulling down his lips.

 

“It’s just a joke. You’re going to kick some ass,” Patrick reassures. It doesn’t do much for Adam. The doubts are quick and sudden. He isn’t sure about this whole thing anymore. This could be a huge mistake. “Dude, you got this. You’ve been practicing your ass off.”

 

Adam doesn’t say anything as they turn into their classroom. The headache is starting to dull lightly against his skull and he wishes he could just skip class. He knows that isn’t possible though or he will lose his phone for another weekend. He can’t afford to do that again, especially not if Eric forgives him for the weekend.

 

“Maybe Eric will come to your first competition.” The words have Adam’s thoughts shifting in a different direction now. Eric is swirling around in his head and he worries the other won’t forgive him. He worries the other won’t write back to him. There is a good chance that the other won’t call him when he finally gets his phone back the weekend after next.

 

Adam doesn’t get a chance to reply before the Sergeant is shushing them. Class begins the next moment and Adam can’t get his mind off of Eric. It’s annoying as fuck.

 

\-----------------------

 

Eric lets a sigh leave his lips as he falls back onto his bed. It’s is warm and soft and he could just close his eyes and fall asleep right here. It’s been a long week and it finished off with an exam in his biology class. It doesn’t help that it is so hard to focus in that class because of Adam. The empty seat next to him screams at him in class, bringing back his memory of Adam’s warm pinky pressing against his, hands almost holding. He can’t help but think of how Adam’s hand twitched, like it wanted to touch Eric’s, place his hand on top of Eric’s. The shy almost nervous look in his eyes as he glanced at Eric, completely unsure of himself and this whole thing. It had made Eric’s heart beat fast and his cheeks pinken.

 

Adam isn’t here now though. He is off at military school and seems to be doing so much better. It’s scares Eric a bit. He doesn’t know if this thing between them can go anywhere with Adam so far away. He doesn’t know if they could do this long distance friendship thing or a long distance whatever this thing is. He doesn’t know where this thing is going. He doesn’t even know if he wants it to go anywhere at this point, but he thinks it can go somewhere. Adam has been gone for almost two months now and he seems to have grown a lot. It is evident in his letters, which get longer the more they write to each other. It’s evident in the way he talks about this friend from school, something Adam never would have talked about in his time at Moordale. The other couldn’t even talk about Aimee in a way that wasn’t all grunts and fists.

 

The phone next to his head rings and Eric jumps, scrambling for the thing. It nearly falls off the bed as he goes to grab it, duvet caught on his bracelet and pulling the whole cover. He curses as he lunges to grab it, smile pulling up his lips when the phone is finally between his fingers. The call could be Adam. It seemed a bit early, but Eric didn’t know the other’s schedule. He didn’t know when Adam got his phone on a Friday.

 

Disappointment courses through his system as he finds Otis’ name across the screen. He instantly feels bad as getting a call from Otis isn’t a bad thing. It just isn’t what he was hoping for right now. It only takes him a moment to even realize that Adam probably doesn’t have his number. Eric hadn’t added it to his last letter, which was stupid. He didn’t know when the other was going to get his phone back. He should have given the other his number so Adam could call him when he was ready.

 

The next ring catches his attention and he glances down at his phone, finger sliding across the screen to answer. The disappointment must be clear in his voice when he greets Otis, because the other is quick to pick up on it. “What’s wrong?” Eric can see his brows furrowed a bit and his head tilting as he takes Eric in. The frown on his lips is one that is thoughtful, like he is trying to figure out what’s wrong for himself.

 

“I just thought you might be someone else,” Eric answers. He hates how disappointed he is. He hates that he is looking forward to his call with Adam that much. He hates how attached he has gotten to the other with only a few letters. It is like he is hanging on everything the other says or does. It was sad and pathetic and he should know better than to get his hopes up.

 

“Adam’s supposed to call this weekend.” Eric appreciates the other’s non judgemental tone. It’s warm and soft and Eric can hear the sympathy in his word without the other even needing to be there. “Have you heard back since your last letter?”

 

The words are a good reminder that Adam hadn’t specified when he was going to call. He said he got his phone for the weekend, but that didn’t mean he had time to call the other instantly. That was especially true with Adam joining the team, if he even joined it. He had still been on the fence in the last letter, but that was over a week ago. Eric was hoping he would join the team. It was a good excuse to see Adam, visit him. It also seemed like something Adam enjoyed and Eric wanted to witness that. He wanted to see Adam in his element, enjoying something. He can’t remember a time when the other was genuinely enjoying himself.

 

“No, but I don’t know when my letter reached him. I also didn’t give him my number…” Eric feels like an idiot. This put everything on him. He had to be the one to call the other. He had to be the one to initiate this. It’s been all on Adam recently, since he had been the one to start this whole letter thing. He had been the one to reach out. Eric should have kept it that way, let the other be the one to reach out again.

 

“Are you going to call him?” Eric lets out a sigh as he falls back onto his bed again. He closes his eyes and the other flashes in his head. The light brown hair that falls onto his forehead. The dark eyes that reflect pain. The frown that was basically a permanent feature on his face. Eric can’t remember the other ever smiling. He can’t even remember a time when he was with Aimee that the other was smiling. It makes Eric wonder what a smile would look like on the other. It makes him imagine Adam’s eyes lighting up. The way his lips would just quirk up. Eric thinks he definitely has one of those crooked smiles and it makes his eyes shine and Eric’s heart skip a beat.

 

“Fuck. Yes. I think I’ll call him,” Eric groans, Adam still flashing in front of him. He is shy and happy and Eric wants to see Adam like this. He doesn’t know if it will happen, but he thinks that it is possible. He thinks that he can make Adam happy and open and free. He wants to be that person. Fuck. He was in deep. Shit.

 

“Just, be careful.” Otis seems tentative with his words. They aren’t new either. He has told Eric this on multiple occasions. He says this almost every time Eric writes a letter. This was different though. This was talking on the phone, and hearing the other’s voice, and being able to read the tone of the words. It meant connecting with the other on a deeper level. It met opening himself up to be hurt by the other again. “I don’t want you to get hurt.”

 

Eric was still scared that was going to happen. He was still scared this whole thing was some sort of trick. He doesn’t think Adam would open up as much as he has if this was some kind of trick though. “I think I’ll be okay this time.”

 

Otis pauses on the other end and Eric can tell he wants to say something more, remind Eric about everything Adam has done. The thing is that Eric hasn’t forgotten. He remembers all the times the other shoved him into lockers. He remembers all the times the other took his money. He remembers all the times the other took his lunch. He can still hear the word tromboner leaving Adam’s lips, teasing and cruel.

 

The problem is that he remembers the way that Adam used to sneak glances at him, longing and desperate. The way that Adam used to let his eyes soften when they got close, when Adam was shoving Eric into lockers. He remembers the way Adam’s grip used to linger on him, longing and wanting. Eric had been blind to it at the time, but he knew now. He can remember so vividly the way the other used to look at him. There had been so much pain behind every look. There had been so much wanting that Eric had been blind to.

 

The problem was that it didn’t excuse Adam’s actions. The longing and lingering looks didn’t excuse the cruel words that left Adam’s lips. They didn’t excuse the fact Adam had plenty of Eric’s money burning a hole in his pocket (probably his lungs as well since he most likely bought cigarettes with the money). The fact he used to shove Eric into lockers harder than necessary and sometimes it would leave bruised on Eric’s elbows and shoulders, the parts of his body that used to connect with the hard metal first.

 

“I hope I’ll be okay,” he adds, gaze drifting off as he lets out a sigh. He hopes that he can trust Adam this time. He hopes that he isn’t getting into this thing only to get his heart crushed and stomped on. Only time will tell. It’s time he is willing to put in though.

 

\---------------------------------

 

There is no answer. Eric doesn’t expect it to hurt so much. The disappoint courses through him as he gets into bed Sunday night. It’s already dark out and the clock nearly reads 11. Eric doesn’t image there is a chance Adam will call at this point. He has had all weekend to pick up the phone and call him.

 

Adam was the asshole who said he wanted to call. He was the one who initiated this whole thing. He was the one who got Eric’s hopes up. The thing is that Eric should know not to get his hopes up. They were often crushed time and time again. Fuck, Otis crushed his hopes on his birthday for fuck’s sake. Plus, this was Adam they were talking about.

 

What if this whole thing was just a prank for him? What if he was only doing this to pull the plug and laugh in Eric’s face for being such a softie? This could have been the end of Adam’s rope. This could have been him pulling the plug on this little prank of his. This could be the end of the run for whatever this thing was.

 

Eric doesn’t like how that sits with him. He doesn’t like that it hurts to think he won’t talk to Adam again, but he thinks that was the point. If Adam was pulling a prank, he would want it to hurt Eric. He would want Eric to feel like shit. That was how pranks worked. They were supposed to hurt, especially a prank that Adam was pulling.

 

Eric lets a sigh leave his lips as he pulls his blanket up to his chin. He never would have expected himself to be in this situation. The fact that Adam had reached out to him had been a surprise, but this wasn’t a surprise. It wasn’t a surprise no matter how much Eric told himself that it was. He wanted to be right about this. He wanted Adam to have grown in his few weeks at military school. He wanted Adam to explore his own feelings and figure this thing out with Eric. He wanted Adam to open up to him in a way he never would if he was still at Moordale. The problem is that that wasn’t Adam. Adam wasn’t the person who opened up and let people in. He wasn’t the type to write long sappy letters to someone without some motive. He wasn’t the nice, kind guy that Eric was hoping he could become. Eric knew Adam had it to him to be this person, but Eric knows that Adam doesn’t think that.

 

Eric saw so much potential in Adam. He saw what Adam could be away from all of this. He saw how gentle the other could be in those moments in the band room. He knew the other had it in him to grow. He just needed to be nurtured to grow. Change was hard though. Adam seemed like he was a creature of habit. It was evident in the consistent morning locker run with Eric. He was consistent in his obsession to get Aimee back.

 

Eric couldn’t take all of that on. He wouldn’t help nurture Adam and help him grow. Eric couldn’t help him explore who he was and become who he was meant to be. Eric couldn't make him change. Eric can’t take that on for himself, especially not after this. The lack of call hit him harder than he thought and he wasn’t sure he could be disappointed time and time again by Adam because Adam was bound to disappoint him time and time again. The other clearly had a lot to work on and it was going to be a hard journey. Eric wasn’t sure if he could take that on.

 

The problem is that he wants to take it on. He wants to watch Adam grow and open up. He wants to get to know the other as more than just a brutish bully. He wants the other to hold his hand and curl up next to him on the couch. He wants to watch him discover himself. It would be a long, hard journey, but Eric imagines it would be a rewarding one.

 

Fuck. He needed to get over it. Adam didn’t call him. Adam probably wasn’t going to call him or write him. Adam was Adam and Eric doesn’t think he was ready to change yet. This was in Adam’s hand now. Eric did his part. He called the other. He tried to get in touch with him. He tried multiple times like some pathetic ex who was desperate to get their lover back. He only gave up because it started to hurt every time Adam’s voice rang on the other end, message loud and clear.

 

“Why the fuck are you calling me? Send me a text or something.”

 

Eric wasn’t sure why he was calling the other either.

 

\-------------------------------

 

The letter comes on Friday.

 

The thing is the Eric has spent all week trying to forget about Adam. It hurt a lot when the other didn’t answer his call. It hurt more than Eric wanted to admit at first. The more he thought about it, the worse he felt about it. The fact he had gotten this attached to the other was a scary thought. This was Adam he was thinking about. The same Adam who used to bully him and take his money. It was the same Adam that used to shove him into lockers. The same Adam who kissed him in the band room. The same Adam who called him names time and time again.

 

He debates throwing the letter away. This whole thing was a crazy pipe dream. There was no way that it could work out with Adam. He couldn’t be what Adam needed him to be. He didn’t even know what Adam wanted him to be.

 

The problem is the small words written in the corner of the envelope. He catches a glimpse of them when he goes to toss the letter in his draw, give himself some time to think about whether he should throw it away or not.

 

 _I’m sorry_.

 

The words are small and a little smudged, but it has Eric’s heart skipping a beat as he pulls the envelope back, holding it close to his face. It’s easy to dig his finger into the paper and ripe the top apart and he pulls the letter out.

 

_Eric,_

 

 _I know we were supposed to talk this weekend, but something happened._ _~~I’m hesitant~~ _ _I wasn’t going to tell you this, but Patrick wouldn’t shut up about being honest or some shit. It was a bad week though and I spent most of it in the hospital wing. It wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle, but they made me stay there for a while. It did get me out of class though and drills for a few days._

 

~~_This whole thing…_ ~~

 

~~_I don’t know…_ ~~

 

 _I got into a fight. That sounds bad. I know it sounds bad. I’m trying._ ~~_I want to try to be better._ ~~ _I couldn’t stand by though. You know that asshole I told you about last time? The rich kid who they won’t expel?_ _~~Patrick He was picking on~~ _ _He was fighting Patrick and I stepped in. I lost my phone and got a concussion out of it._

 

~~_I was looking forward to talking to you._ ~~

 

~~_I know I messed up._ ~~

 

 _I’m sorry I missed your call. I’ll have my phone back in two weeks. That’s the same weekend that campus is open for visits._ ~~_I know no one will visit me._ ~~

 

_Maybe we can talk soon._

 

_Adam_

 

Fuck. Adam was going to be harder to forget than he thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will focus on Eric's reaction to the letter because I know we didn't get to see his thoughts here. 
> 
> I realized while I was writing this that this is going to be a long story. The slow burn is real. I'm feeling it. I'm having trouble waiting and I'm writing it. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed the chapter! Please let me know what you think. Now that summer is around the corner and work has picked up a bit, I'm going to try to to update every other week. I'm going to keep it Sundays moving forward, but may change that as the summer goes on.


	11. Break Through

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eric walks through the letter. Adam has a break through.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't expect to have this done today, but the last part just wrote itself. I hope you enjoy.

Eric sits with the letter. The words play in his head over and over again. The letter is detailed in a new way for Adam. Eric can tell he is trying to share more, work on opening up more with Eric. The thing is that he keeps second guessing himself. Eric wishes he would just write what he wants. He can’t read most of the crossed out words, but it tells him more than some of the actual words on the page. The words he left for Eric to read. In those words, it’s the little things that stand out the most for Eric.

 

 ' _It wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle, but they made me stay there for a while.’_

 

The words tell Eric that he has been through his before. This isn’t the first time he has had a concussion. This isn’t the first time something like this has happened to him. The thing is that Eric doesn’t like how that sounds. He doesn’t like that he can piece together parts of his other letters and deduce that they are inflicted by his father. Eric hates that he never noticed the pain Adam was in while he was still at Moordale. 

 

‘ _I got into a fight. That sounds bad. I know it sounds bad. I’m trying.’_

 

This part really resonates with Eric. The fact that Adam was able to admit that he is trying. The fact he wanted Eric to know that he was trying to be better. It did sound like this whole thing was about Adam defending Patrick. Adam doesn’t defend people. Adam only defends himself so this was a big step in the right direction. This was Adam wanting to protect someone else. Eric knows there is more to the story. There is so much more he doesn’t want to say, but Eric will take this for now. He will take what he can get. 

 

‘ _I’m sorry I missed your call. I’ll have my phone back in two weeks. That’s the same weekend that campus is open for visits._ _~~I know no one will visit me.~~ ’  _

 

It’s a short explanation, but Eric is thankful that he even got one. He was sure the other wasn’t going to message him. He was sure the other was done with him. He was sure this whole thing was a prank. This letter changed that. It showed Eric that he was actually in this. He wasn’t just playing with Eric. Adam was finally starting to open up. 

 

Fuck. Eric wanted to go and see him at this open weekend. He knows the other doesn’t have his phone. He knows the other can’t answer his calls, but he can still write letters. The other seemed like he wanted Eric to come and visit him. He made it clear that no one would be there. He made it clear that his parents were not going to visit. Eric wants to be that person who visits. He wants to go and see the other. It might help him work out his own feelings. 

 

The problem is that he thinks this is the reason he shouldn’t go. He is worried that he will jump the gun if he sees the other. The last time he saw Adam he was planning on comforting him about this whole thing Adam was playing at and had no plans for how he would reach if the other kissed him. He was sure that he would simply melt into the kiss. He was going to kiss the other and then think about what that met. He wants to think about it first. He wants to make sure he isn’t just letting the other play with his emotions. Eric needs to be sure of his emotions. 

 

Eric reads over the letter one more time before folding it nicely and placing it to the side. He can’t help that smile that pulls up his lips as he thinks about the letter, running through each sentence as he pulls out a pen to write a reply. 

 

\--------------------------------

 

Adam goes to his first practice. It’s fucking hell. Sargent Matthews spends half the time talking about the rules of the competition and then the other half is all about getting to know each other. They do that stupid ice breaker shit and Adam rolls his eyes when everyone goes. They’re supposed to say a ‘unique fact’ about themselves and these idiots are such losers. They have a saxaphone player, a hip hop dancer, a singer, and a marathon runner. Those fucking sucked. They were all pretentious assholes. 

 

The problem is when they finally land on him. He can’t really afford much more trouble. Sargent Matthews made that very clear in their last meeting. He doesn’t need to get suspended. He knows they’ll call his father if he does. He doesn’t need his father up his ass again. He doesn’t want to have to see the other. On the other hand, he doesn’t have anything interesting to say about himself. He doesn’t want to say anything interesting about himself in the first place. This whole thing was so fucking stupid. 

 

“Adam,” he finally grumbles, crossing his arms over his chest. He leans back in his seat, slouching back as he glares around the room. “Moordale.” He is daring the other people to ask him more. He is daring them to have him snap at them. 

 

The silence is awkward as they wait for an interesting fact. It feels like ten minutes later when the kid sitting next to him finally clears his throat, making a statement about being the next person and going to introduce himself. They go around the circle until Sargent Matthews is the only one left, smiling as he tells the group that he likes to read comic books. 

 

There isn’t much time to do anything after that. Sargent Matthews has them line up and stand in ready position for a while, going down the line and straightening shoulders, and angling guns. Adam strategically places himself at the end of the line, leaving a bigger space between himself and the rest of the group. It’s definitely going to be harder than he thought being on a team. 

 

He takes a moment to think about quitting, but then Sargent Matthews is standing in front of him. He places a hand on Adam’s shoulder, gentle, but secure. It has warmth running through Adam is a weird way. He isn’t used to gentle. He doesn’t know if he will ever get used to gentle. It was just new territory for him. 

 

“The shoulders need to be straighter and the gun should be closer to your boot,” Sargent Matthews instructs, guiding Adam’s shoulders back a bit more. Adam shifts the gun a little when Sargent Matthews gives it a nudge with his own toe. The other steps back for a moment, nodding at his handy work as he goes to stand in front of the middle of the line. 

 

“Great work today, soldiers. Tomorrow we will actually throw one of the rifles,” he smiles, signalling for the group to leave. There is a collective sigh among the group as shoulders slouch and guns clatter around. Adam is quick to shoulder the gun, standing in the same spot as he watches the other’s head toward the locker room. 

 

“Private?” Sargent Matthews is in front of him now, questioning look on his face. Adam takes a moment, opening his mouth, before he closes it again to think over his words. There is a moment he thinks about lying. It’s what he would normally do. It wasn’t an unusual occurrence when his father was the one facing him. This was Sargent Matthews though and Adam hates how much he trusts the other already. Fuck. Military school was ruining his fucking life. 

 

“I’m going to stay and practice, sir.” It’s not the whole truth, but it is very close to the truth. He is going to stay and practice, but not because he wants to practice for the team, but because he needs to get his mind off of everything. That includes the team. This was all new to him and he needed some time to process. 

 

“Practice?” The sargent looks him up and down. Adam shifts uncomfortably in front of him, frown tugging down his lips. “Trying to get a head of the others?”  

 

“No, sir. I’m just trying to clear my head.” The answer is honest. It is oddly satisfying to tell someone the truth. It feels good to get it off his chest. This is something that helps him think. This is something that helps him sort out all of his jumbling thoughts. This is something that he actually likes to do. It was weird actually having something that he enjoyed doing. 

 

Sargent Matthews doesn’t seem to have a problem with that. Adam watches as he visibly relaxes for the first time since practice started. It was a weird sight to see his Sargent so at ease. The other wasn’t one to show that in front of his privates. “It’s always helped me think too.” There is a fond smile on his lips as he slaps Adam’s bicep before turning away. “Don’t stay in here too late. If you’re in here after curfew, they’ll have my head.” 

 

Adam watches the other walk away, his own shoulders relaxing as he the door opens. Sargent Mattews stops for a second, turning around to look at Adam. “I’m proud of you for coming out for the team. I see you going far.” 

 

Adam’s heart pounds as he watches the door close behind Sargent Matthews. 

 

\------------------------------------

 

Adam walks back to his room in a haze. The session hadn’t really helped clear his head. It only had him repeating Sargent Matthews words over and over again. He could see Sargent Matthews standing by the door with what Adam could only describe as a proud smile. 

 

It was a new feeling for Adam. Patrick had recently uttered those same words, but it wasn't the same. Adam didn't have adults in his life that were proud of him. It was usually the opposite actually. He has heard time and time again how much of a failure he is and how disappointed he made people. This feeling of happiness was new. This feeling of pride was new. He wasn't even sure how to react to this whole thing. 

 

He feels like an idiot for letting it affect him so much. It was one word. The thing is that it was one word that could change his whole life. He had never realized how much a single word could mean. He probably should have. It was usually a single word that had him so disappointmented and sad.

 

Fuck. This was really messing with his head. All he can think about now is how much he has disappointed Eric. He should have never dragged the other back into his life. He had caused Eric so much pain and disappointment. He wasn’t sure if he could ever make up for it. He was already doing a shitty job of that anyway when he didn’t answer his phone this past weekend. He has put Eric through so much shit and then he goes and pulls a stunt like that. Fuck. This whole thing was stupid. 

 

He just wanted to forget about Eric for a while. That was supposed to be the point of practicing late, but Sargent Matthews had gotten in his head and now he couldn’t stop thinking. He literally couldn’t shut his brain off. 

 

“Adam!” The sound of Patrick’s voice has Adam shaking his head as he looks around. The only other person in the hall is Patrick, who is currently walking toward him at a rather fast pace. “I’ve been looking everywhere! Curfew is soon and -” Patrick’s whole tone shifts as he looks at the other. Adam must look a bit distraught, because Patrick’s face is quick to turn into worry. “What’s up? How was practice?” The words are tentative, like he isn’t sure if Adam will answer. 

 

The problem is that Adam has gotten used to Patrick. The other had wedged himself into Adam’s life. It’s annoying, but Adam can’t help the words that leave his lips. “I made a mistake.” Patrick looks a bit confused by the statement and Adam can see the wheels turning in his head, trying to figure out what Adam is talking about.

 

“Joining the team?” It’s tentative and unsure. 

 

“No. With fucking Eric. I should have left him out of this. I’m just going to disappoint him.” Adam doesn’t let Patick defend him. He is quick to head down the hall, basically booking it for their room. The other roommates are all getting ready when Adam comes barreling through the door. They don’t even bother asking, as they are used to Adam’s antice by now.  

 

Adam doesn’t even bother with pajamas as he tugs his shirt off, throwing it in the pill in the corner of his room. He jumps into bed the next second, pulling the covers up to his chin and staring at the wall. Patrick comes in a few minutes later, ignoring the guys as he walks over to their bunk. Adam finches when the other places a hand on his shoulder. “Leave me the fuck alone,” he snaps, trying to stay quiet so the other guys don’t but in. He pulls his shoulder away, moving as close to the wall as possible. 

 

Patrick sighs and does as he’s told. He doesn’t want to get into it in front of the other guys. He knows that will just piss Adam off even more. He listens as Patrick goes about his nightly routine until he climbs up in bed. It is only a few minutes later the rest of the guys click the lights off, some leaving their reading lights shining onto a book in their lap. 

 

Adam doesn’t get any sleep that night.

 

\------------------------------

 

Adam is groggy the next day and he spends most of it avoiding Patrick. They have classes together and drills but Adam sits across the room, causing some of the guys to get annoyed because he is taking their seat. The drills are easy to avoid. Adam is in better shape and can easily outrun Patrick, who doesn’t really take training seriously (not that Adam does but he at least works at it). 

 

He finds his usual spot in the back of the library during their homework period. He doesn’t open the books in front of him, simply twirling the pen on the table a bit. He hates how much he trusts Patrick. He hates how good it feels that someone is proud of him. He hates how much this school  is changing him. It is opening more door than he could have expected, but those doors wouldn't be possible without both Sargent Matthews and Patrick. The two have really worked on opening him up and Adam hates it. 

 

What if Patrick leaves the school? He doesn’t want to go through the pain of losing the other again. Patrick is the reason he doesn’t open up to people. He is the reason he doesn’t do friends. He doesn’t want them to be ripped away again like Patrick had been all those years ago.

 

Sargent Matthews was the same. Adam wasn’t sure when his father was going to rip him from this school too. It would probably have to do with Adam’s grades, since he doesn’t actually do any of his work in class or any of his homework. He can imagine his father pulling him out in a second to lock him in his room and home school him until he was finally done with him so he could kick him out. He didn’t need to get close to Sargent Matthews. He didn’t need to start relying on the other only to get himself pulled from school. 

 

Fuck. This whole friendship thing just wasn’t his thing. 

 

And Eric! He couldn’t drag Eric into his life. He didn’t do relationships. Aimee had been a big mistake on his part. He had grown too attached to the other and that was part of the reason that he was at this fucking school in the first place. He didn’t need to start this whole thing over again and he didn’t need to explore this thing with Eric ny further. He can’t even imagine what his father would do if he ever found out. 

 

Eric didn’t deserve to be with him anyway. Adam had spent years bullying him just so he could be close to the other. It was a piss poor excuse if you asked him. It really made him seem like a complete asshole to think he even had a chance with Eric after everything that happened between them. 

 

The thing is that Eric was the one who wrote him back. He was the one who gave the go ahead for a phone call. He was the one leading this whole thing. Adam didn’t want to over step. He didn’t want to push because he knew he didn’t deserve a second chance. The other was being too kind with his second chance and Adam didn’t want to mess that up. 

 

But messing it up would be easier. It is what Adam is good at. He has been told time and time again by his father that he messes everything up. If he messed this up, than Eric would never forgive him and he was bound to mess it up. Fuck!

 

He  crosses his arms over the desk, resting his head in his hands and squeezing his eyes shut. He hates that Patrick encouraged him to write and send that letter. He would have never done it if the other hadn’t said something, hadn’t told him to just go for it. 

 

“Adam!” Speak of the devil. 

 

Adam is quick to stand up, winding through the back of the library. It seems that Patrick has a lot of energy though as he hurries after Adam, calling his name all the while. It draws a bit of attention, but no one seems to be paying any mind as they go about their homework. 

 

The second Patrick touches his shoulder though, Adam can’t take it anymore. The feelings are overwhelming and unstable. He usually pushes this shit onto other people and that is exactly what he does this time. The movement is sudden as he grabs the front of the other’s shirt in his fist, shoving him against the wall. Patrick lets out a sound of pain, but Adam is quick to give him another little push, getting himself nice and close to the other’s face as he glares at Patrick. 

 

“Leave me the fuck alone!” He tries to stay as quiet as possible. This particular isle is empty and he would like to keep it that way. He can’t really afford to get into any more trouble. He doesn’t need the staff calling his father about getting into another fight. “I didn’t ask for you to be my friend.” 

 

Patick looks a bit lost, holding his hands up in a defensive manner. He looks like he is struggling, feet barely touching the ground as Adam holds him against the wall. It takes a moment for him to answer, eyes searching Adam’s face, trying to figure out what’s wrong. 

 

“I’m sorry I left when we were kids, but I’m not going to leave this time,” Patrick states. He moves slowly, tentatively as he places a hand on the one fisting his shirt, giving it a good squeeze. He doesn’t let go as Adam gives him another shove, refusing to break Adam’s harsh gaze. 

 

“I didn’t ask for any of this!” The sudden wave of frustration hits Adam head on and he can feel tears pricking at the corner of his eyes. There is so much more meaning to his words than just this friends. He didn’t ask for his father. He didn’t ask for his sister to be dead. He didn’t ask for these feelings for Eric. He didn’t ask to be pulled from Moordale just as he was moving on. He didn’t ask to be thrown into military school. “I don’t want this.” 

 

He takes in a deep breath and Patrick goes to place his other hand on Adam’s shoulder. “It’s okay if you do.” The words have Adam’s fingers loosening, slipping from Patrick’s shirt as he lets the other’s feet plant firmly onto the ground. Adam doesn’t even take another moment to fall into the other’s arms, his own wrapping around Patrick’s neck. He buries his face into the Patrick’s neck, letting the tears trickle down his cheek as Patrick holds him. 

 

He can’t remember a time he was held this gently. The only memory that he can think of is before his sister passed away, before his whole life went to shit. It is so comforting to have Patrick supporting him, holding him up as he takes a moment to just process this whole thing. Fuck. He can’t believe how stupid he feels right now. This whole situation has really knocked him over the edge and made an ass of him. 

 

“You better not tell anyone about this,” he mumbles, voice scratchy and tear stricken. Patrick chuckles, chest moving against Adam’s in a comforting way. He can feel the other’s slow, calm breathing against his chest and it has him sucking in a few deep breaths of fresh air as he steadies out his breathing.

 

“Your secret's safe with me...until I met Eric that is.” Adam can’t help but chuckle as he pulls away from the other, giving his shoulder a light nudge. 

 

“Especially don’t tell Eric.”

 

“So you admit I’m going to meet him?” Patrick will definitely meet Eric at some point, but he doesn’t need to play all of his cards right now.

 

“Shut the fuck up,” Adam settles on, hand rubbing over his cheeks as he turns to walk away from the other. Patrick laughs as he catches up, a hand on Adam’s shoulder as they head out of the library and toward the fields. It’s the first time he hasn’t flinched at such a touch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think! The first part of this chapter was a bit of a struggle to write, but the end just wrote itself. I think it was time for Adam to have a break through for the story to really move forward. I'm looking forward to exploring Adam as we move forward. This is definitely going to lead to him being a little more open with Patrick and Eric.
> 
> I'm looking for prompts for anyone who might be interested. I'm looking to write a few oneshots this summer and would love some input from everyone reading. I'm not making promises I will get to your prompt. but I will try my hardest! The prompts would obviously be for Adam and Eric as they are the only pairing I have any interest in writing right now. 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the chapter! Please let me know what you think :)


	12. A Drive to Succeed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam realizes he actually likes military school only to find out he is at risk of failing out.

Adam feels better. 

He can’t really explain it but it feels like this thing has been lifted off his shoulders, like someone is helping him carry the weight. It’s a new feeling for Adam. It’s always been him against the world. There was that brief moment with Patrick all those years ago but he pulled away from everyone after that. He couldn’t rely on anyone. He was too scared to rely on anyone after that. 

Patrick was back though. Adam trusted that he was here to stay. He had no intention of telling the other that. He had no intention of opening up more to the other. That was something that he was reserving. That was something he wanted to share with Eric if the other was ever willing to give him the chance too. 

Patrick was here though. Patrick was something Adam hadn’t even realized he needed. He was company when Adam was trying to pass the time in the library. Patrick was someone to run next to on their morning drills (even if Patrick was slow as fuck). He was someone to team up with when drills where easier in doubles than solo. Patrick was comfortable. 

Patrick was too comfortable. 

Adam walks into the room to Patrick lying on his bunk, feet crossed at the end. Adam is thankful his boots are next to the bed and not on his sheets. This wasn’t something that was going to keep happening though. They may have had a moment but that didn’t mean Adam was going to start sharing his shit with the other. That wasn’t how it worked. 

“What the fuck are you doing?” Adam snaps, glare as dark as ever. The other simply shoots him a smile and Adam curses. Patrick is much too used to Adam’s dark attitude and it doesn’t seem to faze him anymore. That was a problem. “The bed isn’t made for two people, asshole.”

“But I don’t want to climb up.” Patrick has the audacity to pout. He is literally pouting at Adam. It wasn’t going to do anything either. Adam wasn’t going to fall for that. 

“Too bad.” Adam doesn’t hesitate as he grabs the other side of Patrick’s shirt and rolls him off the bed. He makes sure he doesn’t fall hard enough to hurt himself, but just hard enough to know Adam is serious. 

Patrick groans as he hits the ground, rubbing his elbow as he sits up. Adam is quick to climb on his own bed, boots falling to the floor as he kicks them off. Patrick leans himself against the side of Adam’s bed, hugging his elbow like a baby. Adam merely rolls his eyes and places his hands behind his head. 

“That hurt, asshole.” Patrick shifts and gives Adam a bit of a shove. It barely even moves him. Adam is quick to swat his hand away. 

“It didn’t,” Adam replies, turning onto his side. He needs to get out of his clothes. He usually isn’t one to get into bed in his dirty clothes but the rain today made there afternoon drills harder and wore him out more so than usual. “Now leave me the fuck alone.”

Patrick simply laughs and pushes himself off the ground. They both need a shower and Adam knows that but he takes a moment to close his eyes. It’s been a long week. After his moment (breakdown, whatever), he had started practicing with his rifle more in an attempt to clear his mind. He had sat down to write Eric a letter, even though the other hadn’t replied to his last one. He doesn’t even know if Eric wants to talk to him anymore, but he sent the letter off anyway. He had felt vulnerable and open after his moment and took the opportunity to write a letter to Eric that was a little deeper than his last few. On top of an overly emotional week, the rain had been consistent all week and made drills harder in the mud. He was just happy it was over and the weekend began now. 

“What if you invited Eric next week?”

The question is sudden and Adam snaps his eyes open, scanning the room for anyone else. He doesn’t know what this thing with Eric is. He doesn’t know what he is. He doesn’t much care what the other guys think of him (they do have good roommates though. The don’t give Patrick any problems), but he doesn’t need them in his business. 

“Why would I do that?” Adam asks, like it is the most illogical thing in the world. It didn’t make sense to him. Eric wasn’t going to come. Yes, Adam was doing a lot better. He had a friend. He seemed to have someone looking out for him but Eric was a whole different story. They had loads of history. There was no way Eric was going to come even though they had been exchanging letters. Adam didn’t deserve that yet. He hadn’t earned that yet. He had a long way to go before he earned it. 

Patricks looks utterly confused though. Adam doesn’t blame him. He doesn’t know the whole story. There are so many years of bad blood between him and Eric. He has a long way to go before he can make up for that, if he can ever make up for it. “Why wouldn’t he? He seems into you and he keeps writing. Why wouldn’t he come?” 

Adam rolls his eyes and lies on his back again. He debates just brushing it off but something in him is telling him to say something, to open up a bit. “I wasn’t exactly nice to him in school. There was…” He stops. That is too much. Patrick doesn’t need to know that much. “I spent a lot of time shoving him around and taking his money. I doubt he would forgive and forget that fast.” The confused look still hasn’t left Patrick’s face. He looks like he doesn’t believe Adam either. “I’m not exactly a nice person.”

“But you were so nice to me.” The disbelief in Patrick’s voice does weird things to Adam. He hadn’t realized how nice it could be to feel like someone believes in him, believes that he can be a good person. It has been so long. He is so used to being the disappointment. 

“A lot changed after you left,” Adam shrugs. He doesn’t elaborate and doesn’t plan too. Patrick is the one who left. Adam doesn’t need to explain why he did everything after Patrick left. Adam can’t even explain most of his actions to himself nonetheless another person.

Patrick doesn’t push and Adam is thankful. The other is annoying but he knows Adam’s limits. “I’m going to hit the showers.” Adam nods and Patrick trots out of the room. Adam lets a sigh leaves his lips and turns toward the wall. He kicks his socks off and closes his eyes. 

\--------------------------

Adam wakes up the next day and feels like shit. He has to clean his sheets because he slept in his dirty clothes and he feels gross without a shower after their night drills. He gets up slowly, rubbing his hands over his face. They’re still covered in dirt from their push ups last night and he scrunches his nose in disgust before swinging his legs over the side of the bed. He stretches his arms up over his head as he leans forward, propelling himself off the bed. 

Patrick is sleeping soundly on the top bunk. It’s still early and Patrick is notorious for sleeping most of the morning. Adam is the opposite. He wakes up about the same time everyday but he doesn’t have drills to go to on the weekends. It leaves for a long morning so he spends a long time in the shower, scrubbing the dirty from under his fingernails and washing his short hair twice. He strips his bed after and dumps everything in his basket to do laundry before he stuffs it into the washer. 

He goes to breakfast early and chows down on some pancakes. It’s still empty when he leaves and he is quick to change over his laundry from the washer to the dryer. He stuffs his hands in his pockets and goes to take a walk around campus while he waits for his clothes to dry. 

It leaves for a lot of time to think. He doesn’t even have a cigarette so he can grab a smoke during break, calm his nerves a bit. It would help take his mind off what Patrick said last night. He can’t help but think of Eric now that he has nothing to do. The dryer won’t be done for an hour and Patrick won’t be up to annoy him till lunch time. It leaves time for his mind to wonder and it starts to go places that it shouldn’t. 

He can’t help but think how amazing it would be if Eric came to visit. The problem is that he isn’t sure that is how Eric would feel. The other was still forgiving Adam. The other had every right not to come and visit Adam after everything he did. Adam doesn’t want to get his hopes up either. He doesn’t want to start thinking Eric has forgiven him enough to give him a chance. Adam doesn’t want to risk overstepping the boundaries between the two of them just because he wants to see the other. 

Adam also isn’t sure what people would think either. He doesn’t much care for the guys around here. Adam can handle himself, but he can’t imagine his old classmates at Moordale would let Eric live this whole thing down if they found out. They had a cruel rumor mill and he can only imagine the things they would say about Eric if they found out he was coming to visit Adam. Adam wouldn’t want to put him in that position. 

The main problem was his father though. Adam hasn’t given the other much thought lately. It was a completely new feeling. He used to have such a hold on Adam’s life. Adam felt like he was always looking over his shoulder when he lived in Moordale. He was always looking out for his father’s biting tongue and harsh hands. It had made Adam so tense. He was always on edge. The shit his father said to him still rings in his ears constantly. It’s like a mantra he tells himself, believes of himself. It was going to take more than a few ‘I’m proud of you’s to quiet down his father’s voice. 

If this got back to his father, Adam was worried about what would happen to Eric. Adam could take care of himself. He’s been taking care of himself for years now. Adam can handle a few punches and some harsh words. He can even handle a broken bone or two. Eric wasn’t used to harsh words and cruel hands. He knows his father can’t actually hit Eric. He wasn’t that stupid. But his father knows how to make someone’s life miserable with one word. He imagines his father could find something on Eric to get him expelled. 

The more he thinks about this, the more the panic seems to rise in his chest. There was a reason he doesn’t have a lot of friends. There was a reason he wasn’t close to a lot of other males. Adam’s father had seen signs long ago, when Patrick was a constant in Adam’s life, that there was something different about Adam. Adam hadn’t even realized at the time. Adam still didn’t really know. He just knows he likes Eric and that was enough for him. He didn’t need definitions. He wouldn’t know how to define it anyways. 

The problem is that his father had defined it and made it clear that Adam was not to disappoint him. Adam was not to become a disgrace to the family. Adam, of course, found other ways to become a disgrace, but this would be tipping the point. This could be another trip to the hospital. Adam had only ever been to the hospital once, after Patrick left, when his father had gotten the first glimpse of who Adam could be. 

Fuck. He needed to find out how to stay at this place. Adam had been so busy rebelling against his father, trying to hate this place, that he hadn’t realized how much safer it was here. He has been trying to push the feelings down, make sure he doesn’t end up liking it here, denying that he actually liked it here. This was protection though. This was a place his father couldn’t touch him. It was a place his father couldn’t find out about his reconnection with Patrick (because he knows his father would assume). It was a place where he had someone on his side. He had two people on his side. 

“Fuck,” Adam groans, leaning back on the blecher he’s been sitting on for a while. He slides until his butt is off the seat and his back is pressed harshly into the metal of the seat above. “I can’t believe I like this shitting place.” 

It’s hard to even admit to himself. He hates that he likes something his father forced upon him. He hates that he likes a place his father was punishing him with. This was supposed to be torture and it’s ended up being some of the best weeks of his life. If Adam thinks about it, he’s been here for a few months. Actually, winter break was coming up soon. Did he have to go back home for that? Did they house students during the winter? He didn’t want to go home, but he did want to be able to see Eric. It could be his chance to see the other. 

Shit. This was too much for him to think about. That was a few weeks away and Adam wasn’t going to worry about that now. He couldn’t think about that now. He could only handle one big moment for now. He had already had some sort of breakthrough (as Patrick called it) and he wasn’t ready to have another one any time soon. 

“Adam!”

Adam’s snaps his head up to see Patrick trudging over to hm. He looks like he just climbed out of bed, still in his pajamas and eyes glossy with sleep. It is still a bit early for Patrick to be up and Adam gives him a questioning look. 

“What the hell do you want?”

“It isn’t me. It’s Sargent Matthews. He didn’t sound too happy either.”

“It’s the weekend,” Adam states. The Sargent’s don’t usually call on them during the weekend. This was definitely an unusual occurrence and it seemed like Patrick has no idea what it was about either. He doesn’t even bother waiting for Adam as he shrugs and starts making his way back toward the dorms. Adam imagines he is just going to burrow himself back into his bed for another hour or two. 

It only takes a moment for the dread to hit Adam. If he was being called on the weekend, that couldn’t be a good sign. There was no way Sargent Matthews would be calling him for something good. Fuck. He screwed up. Fuck. He was going to get kicked out and have to go back to his father. He would have to endure his father’s harsh words and disappointed look. The disappointment would probably lead to Adam in the hospital again. Fuck. He was screwed. This had been his last option. He was dead. 

\---------------------------

The walk to Sargent Matthews office is long. Adam is going over every scenario in his head, trying to figure out what this could be able. He hasn’t gotten into a fight since the incident with Stan. He just keeps to himself and minds his own business. He hasn’t even missed a practice since he joined the team. He isn’t sure what this could be about.

What if his father was on the other side of the door? The thought has him freezing outside, trying to figure out how much he screwed up. He didn’t want to see his father. He didn’t want his father to pull him out of this school. He can already feel his father’s disappointed gaze on him as he stands outside, trying to calm his racing heart. Fuck. He doesn’t even know if his father is here. He doesn’t even know why he would be here. 

Adam swallows the lump in his throat as he raises his hand to the door. There is a sudden flash of his father opening the door, his disappointed gaze directed at Adam as he steps aside for the other to come in. Adam can remember the dread he always had when he stood in front of his father’s door. He remembers the horrible feeling as his father’s words cut through him, knowing that it would be worse when they got home. But this wasn’t his father on the other side. This was Sargent Matthews and he wasn’t going to scream and yell and hurt Adam. 

When his knuckles finally come into contact with the wood, Adam has gone through every scenario possible and he can not figure out why the hell he would be here especially on the weekend. It just didn’t make any sense. 

Sargent Matthews is quick to open the door. He has a smile on his lips and a warmth in his eyes. Adam doesn’t like it. It doesn’t make sense for this whole situation. He is used to hard eyes and a frown. He is used to disappointment. He still wasn’t used to this whole supportive adult thing or whatever this was. 

“Come in. I just need to talk to you really quick.” Adam blinks in confusion as he takes a step inside, shoulders tight as he finds the seat in front of Sargent’s desk. Sargent Matthews walks around and sits across from him. There is a pile of papers in front of him and Adam catches his name across the top. He vaguely recognizes it as the math test from two days ago and it seem to click. “I’ve been going over some of your work and I’ve noticed that you’re not doing great in your classes.”

Adam relaxes as he leans back in the set. He could do this. This was easy. “What does it matter?” he shrugs, crossing his arms over his chest. 

Sargent Matthews seems confused by his question. Adam really doesn’t know why this whole thing matters. He got a few bad grades, but whatever. “You’re failing your classes and if you don’t get your grades up you’ll be put on probation and we’ll have to get your parents involved.” 

The mention of parents have Adam shooting up in his seat. He doesn’t like the sound of that. He doesn’t want Sargent Matthews calling his father. He doesn’t want his father here. This was his space. This was his life away from his father and the crippling disappointment. 

“I can’t go on probation.” 

“And I don’t want you to go on probation. It’s going to take a lot of work, but I know we can get your grades up high enough before winter holiday.” Adam watches in surprise, waiting for the other shoe to drop. He isn’t used to people helping him. He isn’t used to people wanting him to succeed.

“You’re going to help me?” Sargent Matthews looks confused again, like he can’t believe what Adam just said. Adam doesn’t normally have people in his corner and he still wasn’t sure how to act when people actually offered their help. 

“Obviously. I like you, Adam. I think you can succeed here. We can talk more about tutoring on Monday though. I just wanted to give you a heads up because I’m expecting you to turn in your homework on Monday.” 

Adam merely nods his head in shock. He hasn’t done homework since he started here, but he didn’t want his father to be involved. He didn’t want to let Sargent Matthews down either. This was a whole new feeling from him. He was used to letting people down so he didn’t even bother trying anymore, because nothing that he did was good enough for his father. Sargent Matthews wanted him to succeed. He thought he could succeed and Adam wasn’t going to let him down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy the chapter! I feel like we can really move along now that Adam has had his breakthrough. There is definitely going to be more progress between Adam and Eric moving forward. Adam does still have a lot of work to do on himself though and I do enjoy exploring his mind a bit. 
> 
> Please let me know what you think!


	13. Letters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adam receives a letter from Eric. Eric receives two letters from Adam. Eric comes to a discussion.

Adam gets the letter on Sunday. He had been too distracted to check his mail box on Saturday. It had been a long night after he spoke with Sargent Matthews and he was still unsure how he was going to bring his grades up enough to pass. He had never been good at school and it was one of the reasons his father has so many harsh words with him. Adam had tried so hard when he was young to keep up with his sister, but nothing ever worked. Adam always struggled and his father never cared. He wasn’t sure if his struggles, his efforts, would be good enough here.

 

The letter from Eric gets his mind off of it for a while, but it opens a whole new can of worms. It’s a whole different kind of being good enough. Adam tries not to think about it as he carefully rips the envelope open, sitting in his usual spot in the back of the library.  

 

_ Adam, _

 

_ I’m not going to lie. I was disappointed when you didn’t answer my call. It was really hard for me because I was convinced this was a prank. It’s been something that I’ve been thinking about for awhile now because it’s hard to move past the last few years. I don’t plan on giving this up just yet though, which is why I decided to give you another chance. I can only give you so many though before I need to protect my own heart.  _

 

_ I’m sorry to hear about your head. It’s hard to see you standing up for someone, but it seems like this Patrick means a lot to you. He seems like a nice guy and I’m proud of you for defending him. I don’t know much about the actual fight and the reasons for it but I can’t believe that he gave you concussion.  _

 

_ It’s a bit scary to think that this isn’t your first concussion. I don’t think I want to know how you got your last concussions. At the same time, I want to know more. I hope you’ll tell me what happened one day, with the fight and with all the previous concussions.  _

 

_ Moordale isn’t nearly as exciting now… _

 

Adam can’t help the smile that pulls up his lips as he reads through the rest of the letter. It ends on a much happier note than it began, with two pages full of gossip from Moordale. He talks a lot about the clinic with Otis and the drama between his best friend and Maeve. The note ends with a reference back to Adam’s previous letter and it has Adam’s heart sinking.

 

_ I don’t know about this visit. I don’t think I’m ready for that. I’m not there yet, but I hope I’ll be ready to visit you in the future. I think the phone is a good first step. I’m sorry that you don’t have anyone else to visit. I can’t even imagine. _

 

_ Eric _

_ xxx-xxx-xxxx _

 

Adam never expected the other to come and visit him. He only mentioned visiting weekend in reference to his phone. Adam hadn’t even realized he got his hopes up until Eric said he wouldn’t come. It shocked him to realize how much he wanted to see the other. It really shouldn’t be a surprise though. Adam used to seek the other out in the hallway just to shove him into locker, to be close to him. Adam was just finally able to admit to himself that he wanted to seek Eric out for totally different reasons now. 

 

Adam goes back to reread the letter and his heart hurts thinking about disappointing Eric. He had spent years doing just that, shoving him into lockers and he didn’t want to keep that up. This whole thing made him want to try harder. He was going to try harder.

 

The phone number scribbled across the bottom of the paper gives Adam a bit of hope. Eric has left this in his court now and he plans on taking that step next weekend when he finally got him phone back. He was going to hear Eric’s voice again. He was going to apologize over the phone so the other could hear it from him and not just read it on paper. 

 

Adam just hoped the other would forgive him. He had one more chance to do this right and he wasn’t going to mess it up this time. 

 

\-------------------------------

 

Eric glances at his best friend as the other watches Maeve intently. She is quietly smoking against the wall of the abandoned bathroom, puffing clouds into the air with ease. She seems deep in thought as Otis watches her, brows furrowed. Eric clears his throat in an attempt to catch Otis’s attention but the other doesn’t budge. The two of them had only started to reconnect recently with the recreation of the clinic and with Ola out of the picture Eric could tell the other was having trouble pushing his feelings down. 

 

“Earth to Otis,” Eric teases, smiling pulling up his lips as Otis blinks a few times, coming back to reality. He is quick to shoot Eric an apologetic smile, rubbing the back of his head in an embarrassed manner. “I told my mum I’d drop by the house before we head to your’s.” 

 

“I know! I know. Let’s-uh,” Eric watches Otis glance at Maeve one last time. Aimee has jointed her now, snatching the smoke out of Maeve’s hand and sucking in a deep breath. It reminds Eric a bit of Adam. He used to stand in that same spot sucking down the cigarettes he probably bought with Eric’s money. It made Eric wonder what it would be like if Adam was still here. Would they even be talking? Would Adam have replaced the cigarette with Eric’s lips while they hide behind that same wall? Would Adam have just revert back to his old ways and be leaning against that wall smoking by himself? “Let’s get our bikes.” The words snap Eric back to reality and he quickly shakes the thoughts from his head. 

 

“Yeah…” Eric glances one last time toward the wall. Maeve is laughing at something Aimee just said, smoke trickling from the end of the cigarette that is being shared between them. He hates that he sees him and Adam standing there but instead of a cigarette between them, they’re hands are laced together. He has to shake the thought from his head again. It was ridiculous to think about. Adam wasn’t here. Adam probably wasn’t coming back. Eric didn’t even know if this thing would work out. “Let’s get out of here.” 

 

Otis gives him a confused look, but doesn’t push. Eric has to fight a bit with his lock, distracted as he keys in the numbers. They keep going a bit past the right spot, but he eventually gets it to click open and he stores it away as he kicks his leg over. “What does your mum need?” Otis asks, pulling Eric from his thoughts.

 

“I’m not sure. She just wanted me to pop in. She said there was something at the house,” Eric shrugs. He is thankful for the distraction as he gives the bike a little push before starting to peddle. “How’s the clinic going?” 

 

Eric can’t help but smile as he watches a smile pull up Otis’ lips. He is all of the sudden a bit shy and embarrassed as he kicks off as well, pulling his eyes away from Eric. “It’s fine. It seems to be going well.” Eric wiggles his eyebrows at the other in a suggestive manner and Otis’ cheeks turn red at the implication. “Shut up. It-it isn’t like that.” 

 

“It could be,” Eric states, shooting Otis a smile as they cruise down his street. The other just rolls his eyes as they come to a stop in front of Eric’s house. “I don’t think you need to come in. I should just be a sec.” Otis nods as Eric leans his bike against the house. 

 

He tugs the door open and calls out to his mum as he steps inside. She is quick to pop her head out from the kitchen, a bright smile on her face. “There is a letter by the door for you. I thought you might want it.” She has a silly smile on her face, one Eric sometimes catches on her when they watch romantic comedies and she is rooting for the two characters to get together. Eric doesn’t really know what that means but he nods his head, unsure why he had to come home right after school to get it. “It’s from that boy your always writing.” 

 

Eric blinks in surprise as he grabs the letter on the table. It doesn’t seem like enough time between Eric’s letter being sent out and receiving this one, but Eric isn’t going to complain. He still isn’t sure why his mother called him home for this but she seems happy about the letter, like she is excited for Eric. “Thanks mum. I’ll grab it and read it later.” 

 

“See you at dinner.” She calls back to him as Eric pulls the door open, holding the letter in his hand as he walks back over to his bike. 

 

“What did she want?” Otis asks, eyes sliding down to the letter. He furrows his eyebrows in question as his eyes meet Eric’s. Eric imagines he looks a bit confused and probably a bit excited. “Is that a letter from Adam?”

 

Eric nods, “ That’s why my mom called me home. She thought I’d be excited to get the letter.” 

 

“Are you excited?” Eric is excited to get the letter. It’s a weird feeling to be excited about a letter. He never expected to be exchanging letters, nonetheless with Adam. It was so old school, but it really built the anticipation when you had to wait for a new letter each week or every few days. 

 

“I hate how excited I am,” Eric admits. This is the first time he’s admitted it to himself. He has spent weeks trying to push those feelings down. This whole thing with Adam has him on edge. It all happened faster than he expected. Adam was his bully only a few weeks ago. They had one moment in the band room and now Eric left like he was falling too hard too fast. What if Adam hadn’t really changed? “He told me about visitor’s day and I wanted to go so badly.”

 

“Why are you so scared?” Otis asks the question and Eric rolls his eyes. He’s been asking himself the same thing for weeks and he can’t come up with any good reasons. It’s always the same thing when he asks himself this question. Adam is tricking him. Adam is playing a prank. Adam is just playing with his feelings. Adam bullied him for years. Adam was Adam.

 

But Adam was also gentle. Adam was starting to open up and let Eric in. Adam wasn’t hurting him anymore, at least not intentionally. Adam was opening up and making friends. Adam was Adam. He had so many good qualities that Eric never saw until now. Eric just felt like he was forgiving him too fast. “He bullied me for years! Why am I forgiving him so quickly? Fuck! Why do I like him so much?” 

 

“Eric.” Otis calls him attention, placing a hand on Eric’s shoulder in an attempt to calm him down. Eric frowns at the other, meeting his gaze. “It’s okay to like him. It’s scary to like someone, especially when you have the history that you have with Adam.” 

 

Eric couldn’t be happier that Otis was his best friend right now. The other withheld all judgement in order to look at this from Eric’s perspective. Eric knows the other probably has his doubts, but he isn’t going to push those doubts on Eric. He was going to help Eric work through his feelings without putting his own on Eric. “Fuck. I really like him,” Eric groans.

 

Otis laughs as Eric lets his head fall into his hands. The corner of the letter pokes his head and Eric pulls his hands away to look at it. He can’t help the smile that pulls up his lips as he notes Adam’s messy handwriting across the page. “Go read the letter. We can catch up later.” Otis doesn’t even wait for a reply as he gives himself a starting push and heads down the street. Eric simply gives him a lazy wave, sitting himself down on the front steps and tugging the top of the envelope open carefully. 

 

_ Eric, _

 

_ I haven’t received a letter from you, but I don’t know if you’ll even send one after the shit I pulled. I am sorry about missing your call...if you called. I can’t even check my phone to see if you called. I still won’t have it until next weekend. It isn’t like anyone else will call though. I just regret missing your call.  _

 

_ I know that I’ve said this before, but I am sorry. I know I put you through a lot in school and I just want you to know that I’m sorry for doing that. I want to make excuses, but there aren’t any. I’ve been through a lot of shit, more than I want to think about, but none of it can be used to excuse how I acted. I’m sorry for that. _

 

_ It would seem that I’ve come to the realization that I actually like this shit hole. I hated Moordale. I hated going to school the place my father was headmaster. It added a lot of pressure I didn’t take too well. This place is different though. I’m out from under his thumb and I have Patrick. Don’t tell him, but I actually like him. The asshole has grown on me.  _

 

_ I made the team. I don’t know what our schedule will be, but I can let you know if you’re still interested in coming to watch. The first practice didn’t go well, but I think it will be better after this. I just need to get used to being on a team.  _

 

_ I envy the confidence you have in yourself. I wish I had even an ounce of the confidence that you have. It would have helped stand up to my father.  _

 

_ I hope to hear from you soon.  _

 

_ Yours,  _

_ Adam _

 

Eric’s heart pounds as he reads the letter. It’s the first one that doesn’t contain any scratches, which usually contain his deeper thoughts. This letter was open and honest for the first time. It makes Eric feel warm inside as he reads the letter over again.

 

The apology at the beginning Eric reads over a few times. Adam had been so casual the first time he apologized. It had seemed like he was just brushing it off, like he didn’t mean it. This apology seemed genuine and kind. It seemed like Adam really met it. It seemed like Adam met everything that he said in the letter. 

 

Eric can’t help the smile that pulls up his lips as he folds the letter up nicely and tucks it back into the envelope. He touches it in his backpack so it won’t get folded and hitches his leg over his bike. The smile never leaves his lips as he makes his way to Otis’ house, ready to tell the other about the letter. 

 

\-----------------------------------

 

Eric furrows his brows in confusion when another letter sites on his bed a few days later. He hasn’t sent a reply, but Adam did write this letter without getting one from him. The writing across the page is a little neater than the last time and Eric is quick to snatch it from his bed. He tugs the top of the envelope open as gently as possible, pulling the letter out and unfolding it. 

 

Adam has taken more care to make this letter legible. It’s like he doesn’t want Eric to miss a word. He wants to make sure Eric can read it. Eric imagines that the letter must be important for him to work so hard to keep the words legible. 

 

_ Eric, _

 

_ I am sorry for missing your call. I’ve spent a long time disappointing you, but I’m going to trying to be better. I want to be better. I know I keep saying that but I hope I can show you some time.  _

 

~~_ My father _ ~~

 

_ The concussion wasn’t serious. They overreached. I’ve been to class with worse. I’m not complaining about missing class though. I would miss it more if it was easier to skip here. They keep a pretty close eye on you.  _

 

_ I finally got the schedule for the season. We don’t really start until after winter holiday. We do have a few practices before the holiday and we actually play another team. I don’t know if you’ll come but the first one is November 31st.  _

 

_ It seems like Moordale… _

 

Adam only goes on another two paragraphs to acknowledge some of the Moordale drama. Eric doesn’t focus on that though. The first paragraph tugs at his heart strings. Adam’s words have done that a lot lately. They make his palms sweat and his heart race. It was a new feeling, one he hadn’t expected. 

 

Adam wanted to be a better person. He wanted to try. For Eric. 

 

He wants to see the other so badly. It was totally opposite of what he wrote to the other. He hadn’t been ready at the time. Now there were two more letters between them and Eric wanted to talk to the other in person. He needed to see Adam. He needed to make sure the other actually met what he was saying. 

 

“I’m going to see Adam.” Otis doesn’t even get a chance to say anything as Eric breaths into the phone. It seems to take Otis a second to compose himself on the other line. Eric imagines his mouth is hanging open in shock, eyes wide. 

 

“What-What are you talking about?” He can tell Otis is a bit lost. The two had been talking the other day and Eric had made it clear he wasn’t ready yet. He thought he wasn’t ready yet, but then another letter came. “I thought-but after the holiday you wanted to see him.”

 

“I got another letter,” Eric states. Otis pauses on the other side, a humming sound leaving his lips. “I just- I need to see him so I know it’s real. He gave me the date of his first meet and everything.” 

 

“And I assume you’re going to the meet.” 

 

Eric hums in answer, a smile on his lips as he leans back in his computer seat. He already has a piece of paper out in front of him to write a reply, but he hadn’t been able to wait to tell Otis. The other always helped him sort his feelings out so he figured the other would be good to call. 

 

“Are you sure?” 

 

“No,” Eric admits. He isn’t really sure, but he knows that he has to see the other eventually and he wants it to be on his terms. “But I want to see him. I need to see him.” 

 

Otis doesn’t say anything else as Eric goes on talking about his plan to see Adam in the near future. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I found out that all my formatting in previous chapter wasn't correct. I was writing the letters from Adam and Eric in italics with specific sentences crossed out. Apparently, my font was changed when I copied the chapters over. They are all fixed now so feel free to go back and take a look if you have any questions or you're curious. The sentences that were supposed to be crossed out where a very important part of the story so it makes me sad the front was messed up.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the chapter. I wanted to write more of Eric because I wanted him to make more progress with his own feelings about Adam. I also love writing Eric and Otis working through their feelings together. I see Eric as someone who has to talk through things like this to help him come to a conclusion. 
> 
> Please let me know what you think. There will be a lot of surprised a head.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope everyone liked it. Let me know what you think! I tried to connect to canon as much as possible and integrate scenes from there for to prologue. I really enjoyed Adam's POV and plan on keeping it mostly in Adam's POV. I think there is more to explore there because we don't see his journey in the show like we see Eric's.


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